Episode Overview

Why is it that you can know exactly what would help you feel better, and still not do it?

You already know to eat real food, to move your body, to rest. Knowledge was never the missing piece. So what is?

In this episode, I share the moment I realized I needed a lifeline and had to be willing to grab it, and the thing I come back to again and again: lasting change is not built on willpower. It is built on quietly becoming the person who can hold the thing you say you want.

You do not need another rule. You need to become the person the rule was never able to create.

Resources Mentioned:

Take the free Sugar Challenge here: 

https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/sugar

Download for iPhone: 

https://apps.apple.com/us/app/kajabi/id1485646310

Download for Android: 

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=kajabi.kajabiapp&hl=en_US

Work with Laura:
https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/health 

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Read the full transcript:

Laura Lummer 0:00
You're listening to Better Than Before Breast Cancer with the Breast Cancer Recovery Coach. I'm your host Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills, and the insights, and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're looking for a way to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started. Hey there, friends! You're listening to episode 478 of Better Than Before Breast Cancer. I'm your host Laura Lummer, and you know something before I get started on this topic for this show is I want to bring up because I haven't said it in a while. And the other day I was going through Apple Podcast, you know, ratings and rankings, and I was looking at my YouTube channel and some of the analytics, and I just realized that so many people who listen to the podcast or watch the podcast on YouTube. Don't follow or subscribe, and that's so interesting because I know if you're getting value out, you're watching it. If you're getting value out of it, and it would be so helpful for the podcast if you follow, if you rate it, if you subscribe on YouTube. When we take actions like that, it shows the algorithm and you know the the whatever the algorithms that run the world these days that there's value there, and then it shows other people that might need that value in their life as well. So if you could take a moment wherever you listen to or watch this podcast and jump in and help out, help me out, help someone else out that may not know that this support exists for them. That would be awesome, and I thank you in advance for that. So let me tell you a little story. Something about let me tell you a little bit about what I've been going through lately. So I feel like there's very few times in my life where I have felt like I was in a really dark place. There's a few of them, and they really stand out to me. But as I've said before in the last few episodes, there's you know been a lot of of pain and just struggles. Like this has been a tough year for me, and I'm coming out of it, and I'm starting to feel better, and that is amazing. You know, breathing is a wonderful thing. When you start to get your breath back, I'm telling you, it's life changing. Like breathing is is really cool. So, one of the things that I felt for myself was that I needed a lifeline. Right, I could feel that things were really weighing heavy on me, and I needed to process some stuff. I needed to get through some stuff and get some support with it, and I did. And then, as I'm coming out the other side, I'm thinking I need a lifeline. I don't feel like I have the energy in me to pull myself up to where I want to be right now on my own, and for me, that lifeline showed itself to me when I went to the Powerhouse Women Conference, and Lindsey Marie, who runs that conference, she has a program on the back end called the Upgrade. It's a year-long coaching program, and for me, that felt really good because I love her authenticity. I love her frankness and her firmness, and she delivers her insights and information and guidance in a very direct but very loving way. And that's what I like, right? I don't have time for games. Like, tell me the truth. Tell me what you see in me. Tell me, you know, or ask me the right questions. Give me that lifeline. Like, if someone throws you a lifeline, it doesn't just save your life. It doesn't just pick you up. You got to hold on to it, right? You've got to pull yourself up. You've got to do the work. Maybe you've got to swim on that lifeline. Maybe you got to pull yourself up over the top of the cliff. But you've got to be willing to do the work. And for me and my personality, I know that having a community of accountability and friendly competitiveness is very helpful for me.

Laura Lummer 4:15
That's how I work, right? I love being in the energy. Like when I go to spin class, I always sit in the back row, and I don't sit in the back row. Like as people are calling out, or anywhere you go, you know, if you go to a conference, if you go to a workout, they say, "And you in the back row? And you hiding in the back row? I don't go to the back row to hide. I go to the back row to read the room. I love to take in the room. I love to take in the energy of what's happening in the room, community, and the energy from other people is something really cool and really important to me, and it really lifts me up. So I decide that I need this. Like this upgrade program is my lifeline. This is going to help me pull my. Up, pull myself out of what's been really, really challenging. And you know, timing is important here because if this would have happened, if this opportunity would have come along, you know, four months ago, I I wouldn't have said yes because I was in too much pain. I couldn't wrap my head around actually doing something. Now that I'm feeling better, I'm at the point where I can see I'm ready, but I'm not motivated on my own. I need to rebuild this energy. I want to be in the back of the room. I'm still going to participate, but I need the energy to lift me up. And when we're with other people and sharing ideas and sharing motivation, even if it's online. And what's cool about this program is it's online, but we meet halfway through the program, and then we come together again at the end of it. And so, for me, that that being in person energy is amazing, right? It's so valuable. So I'm I'm really glad that that's part of our coaching program. So anyway, I think sometimes that we have to be able to acknowledge to ourselves, I'm in a place where I need some help, right? I'm in a place where whatever your personality is and what works for you, that I need to reach out and find that thing. I need someone to hold my hand right now. I need a little love. I need a little encouragement. I need a little inspiration. I need somebody to see what I already know is in me, and help me pull it out. Not tell me what to do, because telling me what to do never works. I don't think it works for most people, and especially people in my audience. We don't want to be told what to do. We like to be informed. We like to understand why. We like to understand why something works, how something works, and we want to decide how it's going to work for us, right? We want to customize it to our lives, and that's the way that I like to coach too. Because everybody has something different that motivates them and inspires them in their life. And telling any human being what to do, it's just never going to work long term. They've got to find out internally what works for them, and then they've got to do the internal work to invite what they want into their life, and that brings me to what I'm talking about here. This upgrade started this week, and I wanted to share something because I think it's such a valuable concept. It's something that I've heard over and over through the years that I've been in masterminds and you know hired coaches and had coaches and this way I think like for me as a coach somebody said to me the other day well I don't understand why you would join a coaching program when you're such a great coach and that's because thank you for saying that and the only way that I continue to be a great coach for the people who come to me is if I'm working through my own shit, right? I can't be stuck in the darkness and help other people out of their own darkness, right? It's the yes, my life is real. Yes, it's hard sometimes. Yes, it's amazing sometimes. Yes, it's hard and amazing sometimes.

Laura Lummer 8:03
At the same time, but I, as a human being, must constantly work to solve what's heavy, to find a way through it, and find what works for me, if I want to be able to share that and help other people. Right? You got to walk the walk. You can't just sit here and like this. I think I told this story a long time ago. I had one time a young woman come to me. She wanted to become a coach, and she said, "You know, I want to start coaching people and I want to talk to people about nutrition. And I knew this young woman. I was acquainted with her, and so we talked about it. And I said, "Tell me, you know, some of the things that you've done to follow a healthy nutrition plan for yourself, because I happen to know that she had a habit of eating a lot of processed snack foods, and she said, "Well, you know that's a really good point. So I should probably have my own personal Instagram account that's private, because she had a habit of posting, like I'm washing down my Twizzlers with my hot Cheetos, right? And she says, "So I should probably have a private account for just me and my friends, and then a public account for attracting the people I want to do nutrition counseling with. And I was like, "Yeah, no, that's not how this works, right? You have to figure out how to not put the hot Cheetos in you on a regular basis if you want to help somebody else do it. We must work through our own hardships. We must evolve if we want to show up for other people. And frankly, I think that that type of self awareness also, at the same time, develops empathy. Right. the the The more we go through hard times, and we're willing to look at ourselves and and our challenges, and we're willing to do the work to overcome them and work through the tears. And work through the frustration, the more empathy we have for other people who are going through these challenges. I believe it's like if we never face any hardships, then I find that people easily slide into judgment of others if they haven't been through the struggle. And I think too that this is one of the reasons why I hear from a lot of women who have been through a breast cancer diagnosis, or who live with breast cancer, that they feel so alone that they don't feel seen, because no one who hasn't experienced that really can understand what is happening inside of you, right? I was thinking about this today. So my right arm is still not cooperating with me. Right, I can't lift it, I can't move it unless I'm using my left arm to pick it up and move it around. My hand works, which is awesome, but I have to move my arm around. Well, I'm right-handed, and it's really hard to do your hair left-handed. So I finally figured out a technique. And as I was doing this this morning, I'm doing my hair this morning. I'm trying to blow dry it, and I'm like, "Oh my gosh! I figured out a system. If I open the cabinet in my bathroom, right under the bathroom sink, if I open the cabinet and I lift my right leg and I put my foot on the top edge of the cabinet, then I can move my right arm and put my elbow on top of my knee, and support my hand by the wrist to hold my blow dryer to do my hair. Yeah. Now, if you saw me, if you're watching this on YouTube, would you look at me and think that woman probably really struggles just to do her hair on a daily basis. No, right? We all have this stuff that we're doing behind the scenes, whether it's dealing with bone pain and fatigue from our aromatase inhibitors, whether you're living with metastatic breast cancer like I am, and you spend a couple hours every morning in the bathroom trying to get your system balanced because it's side effect of the medicine or whatever, whatever. Right? You're taking other medicine to manage the side effects of the life saving medicine.

Laura Lummer 12:12
So many things that we're doing, and I think that if we're not reaching for a lifeline, if we're not reaching, if we don't see someone say, you know what, I see this person has really worked to overcome things that I want to overcome. I see this person has built something that I want to build for myself, that I want to accomplish for myself, and we don't reach for that lifeline. We've got to look at our stories behind it, because one, I don't think we were ever meant to do. I'm not going to say we were never meant to do life alone. Not just I don't think it. We're not meant to do that. We thrive in the energy of other people. We are a tribal species. It takes a village. A village can be loving and supportive and wonderful. And finding your village and allowing yourself to receive the support and do the work, right? You can't expect other people to do the work for you, hold your hand, make things happen, tell you what to do. Being a part of the community to help lift yourself up, whether it's to overcome emotional things, physical things, right, relationship things, we see things and we say, "Okay, I'm struggling with this right now. How do we make it better if we don't know any different than the way we've always been living? Right? We we've got to find and get some new tools. So coming back to the first upgrade call and what I want to share with you is we were talking about this concept of what you want in your life versus what you're ready to hold in your life, and I've heard this so many times. I've heard it from a financial perspective, and from an emotional perspective, from a relationship perspective, and let me give you an example. I'll give you a couple examples. One example is a client that I have, young, gorgeous woman, who tells me she desperately wants a loving, fulfilling relation, romantic relationship in her life, and she tells me this, and she tells me how she sees other people in this relationship, and she feels envy. And we're coaching through this, and what I see is that as much as she's telling me she wants this loving, close, vulnerable, best friend kind of romantic relationship, she doesn't have the internal capacity to hold it. She really isn't willing to be vulnerable. At any time she dates someone, and they start to get close, her distrust flares up from bad experience from previous relationships, and she pushes. Them away, and so I could see that the work isn't finding the right person because she's an amazing, gorgeous, smart, funny, energetic human being. The work is internally creating the space to receive that relationship and hold on to it. Be willing to hold on to it. Amanda Francis, who's known as the Money Queen Coach, she talks about this concept of your energetic maximum, right? So let's say that financially, you've never had more than $5,000 in the bank, and you want to have $20,000, and every time money comes to you from whatever source, let's say a gift, a bonus, a new job, whatever, whatever, money comes to you. You keep finding that you get this amount of money, and you get the bill for the same amount of money. And no matter what you do, you find yourself coming back to, wow, there I am again, $5,000, right? So she would call that your energetic maximum. That that you've built enough space internally, you've created that internal knowing that you're a person who can manage and hold on to and feels worthy and deserving of $5,000. But when it gets more than that, although you may look and get excited about it, you also emotionally and internally are not ready to hold it, and so it slips through your fingers. We can see this also when we're looking at creating a healthy lifestyle. So, if you want to create a healthy lifestyle, there's certain things that you have to invite into your life, but if you haven't done the internal work to look at your thoughts around what that means, it will slip away. You'll do it for a couple weeks and it will slip away. And let me give you an example. Let's say that you decide I want to follow a low carbohydrate diet.

Laura Lummer 17:01
Okay, I want to get some extra body fat off. I want to really work on optimizing my wellness, and I want to get processed food, grains, sugars, things like that to a minimum in my diet. Not eliminate them completely. I want to get them to a minimum, and you make that decision. But in your mind, in your thoughts, you haven't done the work to be the person who makes the choices that fulfills that desire. You're still at a place where you haven't looked at your thoughts about the choices you're making. So when you get into an environment that stimulates the cues to eat the things you say you don't want to put in your body, you go right back to it, because internally you haven't made the switch. I see this a lot with people who want to give up alcohol or reduce their intake of alcohol, and then they get in a situation where they're with friends and everyone's drinking, and they say, "Well, I didn't want to feel weird? That's the internal work, right? If you became the person who chooses salts or water instead of a cocktail, then it wouldn't feel weird. Do you see where I'm going with this? Right? We do the work, we change the thoughts. If we don't work on the thoughts, then we're going into something with willpower only, and it will not last. Discipline and willpower will only get you so far, and they won't feel good while you're doing it. They won't feel fun. It won't feel enjoyable. It will feel like torture, no matter what it is. If you decide I'm going to have a more loving relationship, and you say, "Well, one of the things I'm going to do with my loving relationship is I'm committing to every evening for 20 minutes with my romantic partner. We're just going to sit down, no phones, no TV, and we're just going to talk 20 minutes straight every evening. But you go into your 20 minutes going, oh brother, I bet he's going to say this or do that, and I don't want to tell him that I did this because if I tell him I did that, he's going to respond like this, right? You've already got your stories, and so it's not going to feel fun to sit down and try to be present and engaged and giving energy into this relationship when you've already got stories about how it's not going to be fun, right? So you have to then become the person who says, you know what? What kind of person does this spends 20 minutes every evening with their romantic partner, just being into each other? I want to be that person. What do I have to let go of in order to be that person, right? So the internal work is something I've shared with you all many times on the podcast. Is saying, I am a woman who is healed from metastatic breast cancer. Well, how do I hold that? What does that person do? How do I become that person? Well, for me. I think a person who's healed does these things: wakes up at a certain time, makes certain food choices, engages in her relationships all around her in a certain way, and I believe that. So I would take those steps, and if those steps feel like that I'm feeling better and healthier and more vibrant, if my labs and my tests are looking like I'm going in the right direction. Then I know, hey, I'm stepping into this person. I'm creating the internal space to be this person and to make the choices that support being this person in an easy way that flows for me because it's based in love, right? It's based in self-love. I've created the space that says, "I love life, I love this body, I love feeling well, I love feeling energetic. And when I'm not in that place, I'm not going to beat up my body for it. I'm going to hold space for it because that's the relationship we're in. I'm going to say, "What do you need? How can I help? Right, and then if I need more support beyond the capacity of what I have, I'm going to ask for a lifeline. Right, and that lifeline, hopefully, you know, I make the right choice.

Laura Lummer 21:19
I find that lifeline, whether it's a therapist or a coach or your best friend in the world, somebody that will ask you the right questions that will open yourself to seeing the thoughts and choosing different ones that will change your life. That's where we want to go because once we do that internal work, the external work is so much easier. So we talk about this concept, and I I was thinking about it. You know, when we're on the call for the upgrade, I was thinking about like that's just it's so so very true, and I can see examples of it in my life. I can see examples of it in my business. I think that this goes back to a lot of the times when we hear stories about people talking about growing up as a family, right? That wherever, however your parents fed you, that that's the right way to make that kind of food, right? Nothing tastes like mom's whatever spaghetti, lasagna, tamales, whatever, right? Because you grew up thinking that's the right way for this to be, and if we want to grow beyond that, then we go have dinner at lots of different places or other people's homes, or we experiment with new recipes, and we start to see there's more than one way to do this, and I can adopt the skills, and I can change the way I think about the right way to make something, right, and that's what we can do and transfer into our lives, and we can see. You know what? I only have this many tools to deal with this thing, and I need to reach out to a lifeline to help me build the internal, the infrastructure to invite into my life the thing that I say I want the most. Right? We've got to be ready and willing to receive it, and that preparatory work is super important. So then the question becomes, how do you do the work? What's the first step in doing this work to prepare yourself internally for the thing you want to invite into your life? And you may think it's setting the goal and it's heading towards the goal, but I would offer you this: it's seeing what's in the way of the goal, right? It's seeing the block that comes up, but committing to yourself that you will overcome that block. And you know, doing this, like doing something to challenge yourself, it doesn't have to be something huge. But doing something to challenge yourself doesn't always mean adding something in, I'm going to offer you something now that is add in in a minute here. But knowing that doing something that is out of the ordinary for you, right? Doing something that someone your loved one looks at you and says, "Who are you? And what have you done with Susie? Right? This is the way that we commit to ourselves, and we take that that next step to see how it felt and what came up when we did this. When we challenged ourselves and said, "I'm going to do this thing. I'm scared. I'm nauseous. Maybe the thing is, I'm going to say no. Maybe the thing is I'm going to turn off the TV at 8o'clock at night, and I'm going to see what happens after that. I'm not going to turn on the TV when I'm in bed. Not going to happen. Not going to do it. I won't look at a screen after 8o'clock at night. I won't make plans on a certain day because I need that day or that evening or that afternoon all to myself for some space, right? Maybe doing nothing, taking something off the calendar, and I say that because I know my people, and you're overdoers, and you're the strong ones, and you're the active ones, and you're the fixers, and you're the ones who take care of everybody else. So a lot of times, doing the thing that surprises you is saying, "I'm not a." So let's not have our minds go straight to I've got to do more. Maybe I need to hold space to become the person who doesn't have to do everything for everyone, who doesn't have to know everything, solve everything, fix everything. Maybe I'm the person who just holds space for other people and says, "I hope you figure it out. I love you.

Laura Lummer 25:23
Good luck, and I just pull myself back. That can be really, really hard. But I want to offer you something because I've been thinking about this a lot. We're coming up on the holidays. I mean, they're going to be here before we know it. And when that happens, you know, a lot of times we see that people go through the holidays, and then at the beginning of the year, there's all of these dietary challenges, right, and the beet sugar challenges, and all that kind of stuff to get the 10 pounds off and get your metabolic balance back from everything you did during the holidays. But I think that the best way to do that is to look at your relationship with food, especially carbohydrates and sugar and processed foods before the holiday season, because again, we want to prepare our mind. We want to internally become the person who does the things you want to do. So, if during the holidays you want to be the person that doesn't overdo the sugar and the baked goods and the treats and the alcohol. You want to become the person who engages with moderation and still feels really good, and our body still feels really good, and the exercise program doesn't go out the window, and you can bake all the lovely goods and give them as gifts, but you're not eating them. Maybe you want to be that person. Well, the way you become that person is not through willpower or discipline, is by preparing yourself before the holiday season. So I've been thinking about this a lot, and I have a great program, the Five Day Sugar Challenge. I've done it in the past. It's been a long time since I've done the challenge live, and I'm going to offer it to you. So I'm going to come in and I'm going to do the challenge live with you starting on september 14. You can enroll now. Get yourself ready. Like get from now till september 14. Be thinking about this is something coming. Prepare yourself to be present in the challenge. And interestingly enough, when people hear about the five day sugar challenge, they ask me, "Oh, do you have lots of recipes? Do you have a diet? No, because I don't believe that our relationship with food is based on someone telling you what to eat. Your relationship with food is based on becoming the person who makes the choices you believe are the right choices for you in your life. It's a person who becomes the person who says, "I'm not going to put anything in my body if my body isn't hungry. I'm going to learn to listen to my body, and I'm going to follow its cues because it will let me know when it's hungry. Right? I want to become that person. So my sugar challenge is not about don't eat sugar, oddly enough, but it's about when you make a choice, whether it's sugar or pasta or breads or pastries or whatever, whatever. It's not about guilt. It's not about shame. It's like what came up for you, you know? What did you want to feel when you reach for something that you told yourself you wouldn't reach for, what's going on there? So the five-day sugar challenge is about your relationship with your body. You don't need recipes. I've said this before. I'll say it 100 more times. I don't believe that there's any living person in the United States of America and probably around the world that doesn't know to eat real food, right? We all know this. We know to move our bodies. We know to exercise on a regular basis. We know to eat more vegetables. We know to get organic whenever possible. We know the rules of good and clean eating. So why don't we all do it all the time? Because our thoughts and conditioning are very different, and it's those thoughts and those conditioned behaviors and beliefs that cause us to make the choices that we make. So, do we need to look at the food and say, "Eat broccoli instead of a cupcake" First of all, that's never going to happen, right? You're not going to look at broccoli sitting next to a cupcake, and say, "I choose the broccoli. Unless you become a person who says, "You know what?

Laura Lummer 29:25
I don't like the way the cupcakes feel inside my body, and I've made a decision that I'm not going to put a cupcake inside my body, and maybe not forever. You know, now and then, gotta have a cupcake here and there, but maybe not a gross store-bought cupcake with 50 different ingredients when it only needed like six, right? So we become the person who loves making the choices because the choices that you decide to make are the choices that help you feel good, not just when we're choosing good food, but when we're choosing to engage in relationships. What we're choosing for activities in our life-is it making you feel good? Is it bringing you joy? Is it bringing you suffering, anxiety, overwhelm? And why are we making those choices? We're making the choices because we have not done the internal work to become the person who makes a different choice? So the link to join the Sugar Challenge is here, where you're watching or listening to this podcast. You can also find it on my website. Just go to thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com forward slash sugar, and go ahead and enroll in the Sugar Challenge. And what that's going to look like is we're going to have a live call on day one, September 14, where we're going to talk about what's coming and the prep work and everything we're going to do for the Sugar Challenge, and I'm going to invite you into. We're going to have a free community on my website where we can come and exchange support and questions and answers and struggles and awarenesses, and then on the final day we're going to do another live call where it's Q and A and where we share what happened and what came up as we went through the five-day sugar challenge, it's very valuable. So there's a lifeline for you, right? People who are going through it with you, people who understand, and you are not alone in your challenges. Trust me, I coach a lot of women who think it's only them who think this way, or it's only them who goes through it? And I think this is another reason why community is so valuable. We feel frightened to be vulnerable and open ourselves to what we're really struggling with and going through because we think we're crazy. We're the am I the only 1am? I the only one that does it? No, no. And when we hear other people and we see, oh my God, they could literally be taking words out of my mouth. They could literally be taking thoughts out of my head. Then we realize it's a human condition, and we can overcome thoughts and become different people. We have the power to do that. So, think about what is the internal work that you want to do? You say there's something you want in your life. What is that something different for everybody? What is that something you want? And why isn't it there now? Why does it slip through your fingers? And ask yourself: Have I become the person who knows how to hold this in my life, and if not, what is the next step a person who can hold this in your life might take? So I'll leave you with that thought because I think pretty much all of us have something out there: closer relationship with our kids, with our spouse, with a parent, you know, more peace of mind, healthier choices, a better relationship with our body, more financial abundance in our life, and I know that that's kind of like a taboo. You know, I've talked about a little bit on the podcast before, like people don't want to talk about money, but come on, you guys! In the cancer world, in the world of health and optimizing wellness, money is important because the support we need often costs money. I know that for me, I know that for me, one of the things that I've had to work so hard on is believing that the thing I need, right, the support that I need, that I can come up with the money for it, right. That I look at the support and I I tell myself instead of I can't afford that, I look at and say that's really valuable. I really need that.

Laura Lummer 33:38
Even like the upgrade, that I know I need that lifeline in my life right now, and I'm going to figure out how to do it right. So talking about money and our beliefs around money, I think is very important, especially for our community because we have so many limiting beliefs around it. But this isn't about money. This is well, it could be because it's about your special thing. It's about the thing you want to build internally the person you want to become, so you can hold that thing that you keep telling yourself you want in your life. All right, my friends, come and join me in the Sugar Challenge. Again, the Breast Cancer Recovery coach.com forward slash Sugar, or just click the link below, and I'll see you on september 14. And until then, be good to yourself and expect others to be good to you as well. Take

Speaker 1 34:24
care. Your future's at the door. Give it all you got. No hesitating. You've been waiting all your life. This is your moment.

Unknown Speaker 34:58
This is your moment in time. This is your moment. This is your moment to shine, to shine, to shine.