Episode Overview

Have you ever looked at another woman's life and felt that quiet ache of why her and not me?

Most of us have, and most of us judge ourselves for it before we ever stop to ask what that feeling is really pointing to.

In this episode, I open up about a recent day when I was just plain tired of being the person with cancer. I let myself feel it honestly, without rushing to a gratitude list or a silver lining, and then I found the question underneath it that actually moved me forward.

We look at what jealousy and envy are often hiding, why they are not the character flaws we assume they are, and how the belief that someone else simply had it easier can quietly protect us from taking a single step toward what we want.

I also walk through the difference between an explanation and an excuse, because one keeps the door open and the other closes it. You will leave with a simple process you can use the next time comparison shows up, one that turns it into information about your own desire instead of evidence that you are behind.

Her success does not take anything from you. Your life is still yours to build, right where you are standing.

Resources Mentioned:

Work with Laura:
https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/health 

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Read the full transcript:

Laura Lummer 00:00
You're listening to Better Than Before Breast Cancer with the Breast Cancer Recovery Coach. I'm your host Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills, and the insights, and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're looking for a way to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started. Hey, friends! You are listening to episode 475 of Better Than Before Breast Cancer. I'm your host Laura Lummer, and we're going to start off this episode with a little bit of vulnerability, a little bit of a story that I want to share with you about a recent experience that I had. You know, you see me on the podcast, and hopefully, you don't. Hopefully, I don't give the impression that everything is easy, and living with stage four metastatic cancer is a breeze. You know, I I try to share the challenges along with the successes, the blessings along with the I don't know. Do you call them curses? The blessings along with really hard shit, and I I want to always be honest about you know times that it's painful or difficult, but also don't want to dwell on it because that's just not how I live my life. I think we have to hold space for the stuff that's difficult, and then we have to make decisions on how we want to feel and how we want to live. So recently, I was really having a moment, one of those moments where I was so fucking sick of having cancer. Right, I'm fed up with watching the markers. I was fed up with having to go to the scans, all get all the referrals, make all of these additional supportive appointments, take all the medications, dealing with the side effects, paying for all the supplements, tired of dealing with the every morning routine of not being able to get out of the bathroom for X amount of times. Right, coming up with all this money for the complimentary care and just the time and energy and everything, and just so sick of the episodes of fatigue and pain, and honestly, I was just fucking tired of being the person with cancer. I wanted all of my energy to be available for the life I want to create, for the work I'm trying to do, for the work that I love, and I want to be 100% present for. I want to be the person who has no evidence of disease, right? I want to be on the other side of what I call the veil that that breast cancer pulls off of us, right? The the veil that keeps us from seeing sometimes the other side of life. The side that I wanted to be on is the side that I remember, which allows you to know intellectually that life is temporary without having to feel the reality of it sitting beside me every single day. I wanted to believe that I was going to grow old and eventually die peacefully in my sleep, like 80 some years old, and I wanted the innocence of assuming that there would be plenty of time. You know, so many people just go through their life like they're going to live forever, right? The immortality, and that's the veil that gets lifted when we realize that. You know, we always say, "Well, we have to die, but then when you get a cancer diagnosis it changes the what that means, right? I wanted to be like the people who can have cocktails on Friday nights or donuts on the weekend without immediately wondering what that choice might be doing to their body, and not because a cocktail or eating a donut means you're going to cause cancer, but because cancer can create this exhausting awareness around every fricking decision, constantly. Am I helping my body? Am I hurting it? Am I doing enough? Should I be doing something differently? Is there any other food I should be avoiding? Is there any other test I should be looking for? Is there any other therapy I should be thinking about having. Is there something happening inside my body right now that I don't even know about that's going to kill me?

Laura Lummer 04:25
I don't want to think about any of it. I just wanted to be one of those people, and that I look at in in that moment and thought they have it easier, right? Why do they have it so easy? And in some ways, other people do have it easier, right? There are people who can move through their days without ever thinking about tumor markers, scan results, medication results, recurrences, progression of disease. They can experience an ache or pain without immediately wondering if it means something more. They can make ordinary choices. Without filtering every one of them to the question, could this affect the cancer that is in me? And I think that matters because comparison is not always superficial, right? It's not always surface level. It like something that looks like jealousy could actually be grief, right? That sounds a lot like jealousy. Like they have it and I don't. That person just got a new NED. That person got an AD. That person got. Why don't I? I have an NED, right? And there was something else was going on. I next week. So actually, when this podcast comes out, I will be in Arizona at the Powerhouse Women Conference, which I'm super super excited about, and we were a lot of us on a call last week. And Lindsay, who's the woman who created this Powerhouse Women event, she had this call to kind of prep everybody and get the juices flowing and all of that before we were to go to the event. And the homework she gave us was to really, really, really allow your desires to grow to be there, like really look at what your desires are, and this kind of got me going down that road because the more aware I became of all the desires I had, the more I think I started to feel envious of people I see in the world who have what I want, who have the no evidence of disease, who have you know more public speaking engagements or whatever, whatever you know. And I started to look at that and be like, why not me? And sometimes I think that it's important to to let yourself feel that, to see that you're feeling that, because I don't think we're jealous of the cocktail or the donut or the vacation or the relationship or their body or their business. What I really think it is is that we're grieving the innocence we believe another person still has, like the people who are trying to build their businesses and they're all excited, and they've got these speaking gigs, and we're all going to be at the powerhouse women. And not that I don't have any of those things, right? But to look at them and go, they do it without thinking, will I be alive to get there? They do it without the thought of, oh, will I have to go and do this other procedure because of this side effect that I'm having right now, right? And so I think that part of that is that my own grief, right, is grieving the freedom to make ordinary choices without calculating what that choice might mean for my health. I think that we are grieving the energy that goes into managing something that we never wanted to manage. I think that we grieve the version of ourselves who didn't know what we know now, right? I cannot unknow what I know. I cannot move back to the other side of that veil of innocence. I cannot return to the version of myself who believed cancer was something that happened to other people, and in that moment, I really needed to allow myself to feel that, and I didn't need to immediately turn it into a lesson. I didn't need to remind myself to be grateful. I didn't need to tell myself some other people have it worse than I do. In that moment, on that day, I needed to acknowledge that I was tired. I needed to acknowledge I was a little bit angry. I needed to acknowledge that sometimes I don't want to be resilient, informed, disciplined, inspiring. I don't want to have cancer. Hard stop. But after allowing myself to feel that, I had to ask myself a better question: What happens if I make their freedom other people's freedom, other people's health, other people's successes, circumstances?

Laura Lummer 08:52
What if I allow those things to make me believe I cannot create more of what I want in my own life, right? Because I also don't want cancer to receive every ounce of energy that I have, and that is what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the hidden benefit of believing other women have it easier, the very real grief that can exist beneath that belief, and how we can honor what is difficult without surrendering the power we have to it. Because here's the truth: if we explain, say we want, we want something, we want to accomplish something, we want to change something, and it can be anything, right? It can be a big opportunity. It can be honestly just a better, healthier lifestyle, and if we begin to explain that we don't have it, and someone else does have it because they had advantages that we don't have, it gives us a little sense of relief, right? Maybe able to say like, well. It was because her circumstances are easier, and when we when we do that, we don't have to ask ourselves a really uncomfortable question. And that question is, what do I need to do, change, learn, or who do I have to become to create more of that of what I want in my life, and that question it requires a whole crazy high level of honesty. And I want to be clear about the fact that I'm not pretending everyone starts from the same place because we don't. This is not an episode about saying your circumstances don't matter because they do, and it's definitely not an episode about blaming you for being where you are. There's real differences in what women are navigating in their lives. Some, like me, are living with metastatic disease. Some are managing long-term chronic pain, fatigue, neuropathy, lymphedema, changes in the brain, brain fog, treatment-related disabilities, caring for children, aging parents, trying to hold together their jobs, their homes, their families, dealing with anxiety, stress, trauma, fear of reoccurrence, and some people have really supportive partners. Others are in relationships where their needs are dismissed, minimized, ignored. Some women have financial resources, flexible schedules, excellent healthcare, nourishing food, and safe places to exercise, and some don't. And those differences are very real. And I do believe that support matters, and money matters, and access, and physical ability, emotional health-they all matter. But acknowledging reality is not an excuse, and acknowledging reality is not necessarily making an excuse. We can acknowledge what's real and not use it as an excuse. The goal is not to pretend that every obstacle can be overcome by thinking more positively, or wanting something badly enough, right? The goal is to notice when a real obstacle becomes a reason to stop looking for any available possibility. There's a difference between saying this circumstance affects what is possible for me, and how I need to approach it, and say because the circumstances exist, there's nothing available to me. One statement helps you understand what you need, and the other ends the conversation. So I think we often treat jealousy and envy as emotions that we shouldn't have. We look at them and we think, "Well, that's petty, or it's ungrateful, or somehow like less evolved. I'm not an enlightened person. But I think that jealousy and envy can be really important information when another person's life creates a strong emotional reaction in you, I think it's showing you something you want, but haven't allowed yourself to acknowledge or do the work to create in your own life. It could reveal a dream that you've decided is unrealistic for you. It could reveal a need of yours that isn't being met. It could point to a part of your life that you've neglected, or a part of yourself you've abandoned, and it may remind you of a change you've been thinking about, wanting, desiring for years, but haven't been willing to make. And so, instead of judging yourself for feeling jealous, I suggest you get curious about it, and you think when I see something and I envy that, what exactly is it that I am responding to? What do I believe that person has that I don't? And what do I think having that would allow me to feel?

Laura Lummer 13:55
Because sometimes we think we want what another person has, but what we actually want is what we imagine that person feels because they have that. So maybe you look at another woman's smoking hot body and you think, "I own a body like that. But underneath that, what you want is the confidence and the comfort or the freedom you believe she experiences by putting on any bikini she wants and feeling like she can strut around anywhere, right? Maybe you want to feel like that. Maybe you look at someone else's marriage and you think, "I want that relationship. But what you really want is to feel supported, to be seen, to feel safe, to feel connected, maybe look at the way someone cares for themselves, and you envy her health routine. But what you really want is the trust she appears to have in herself. Maybe you look at a career or a business, and you think, "I want her success." But what you really want is to feel a purpose, to have a creative expression, to be independent, or maybe more financial security, right? Maybe you see someone traveling and you assume you want that trip, but what you really want is adventure, and to just feel alive again, right? You want proof that your life can still be bigger than medical appointments, fear, responsibility, and that groundhog day. Go to work, take care of the kids, make dinner, go to bed. Right? When you can identify the desire underneath the comparison, then I think comparison can become useful. And it's not only about because it's showing you something very valuable about yourself, and when that happens, it's really free and uncomfortable because when you decide another person has what they have because their life was easier, you can get an immediate emotional benefit, right? If she had that, because her life circumstances were this and mine aren't, that is like giving yourself a reason to not have to risk trying, to not have to risk failing, so that you don't have to tolerate the discomfort of starting something and being a beginner, right? You don't have to discover that change requires a lot of effort, time, or patience-way more than you hoped it would. Maybe it relieves you of having to make a difficult decision, or maybe you don't have to ask for help and and take that risk of hearing no, which would hurt you, or you don't have to set a boundary that somebody else might like, or you don't have to set a boundary someone else might not like. You don't have to disappoint anybody. You don't have to invest your time, your energy, your money, or yourself. You don't have to give up your habits that you're familiar with, even if they aren't helping you, because it doesn't matter, you don't have the same benefits that person has, right? So you don't have to consider whether your current choices might be participating in your being stuck. And I'm not saying you cause everything that has happened to you. I'm saying that the story she has something I don't may give you a reason not to look at what you're doing with what you do have. If someone else's success is entirely explained by their advantages, then there's no reason for you to take a step towards it. It relieves you of the pressure to be vulnerable or try something new, right? There's no reason to risk wanting something and discovering that you can't get it. So you're protected from disappointment, but you're also disconnected from possibility, and that's the hidden benefit, right? We usually don't consciously think, "I'm going to take focus. I'm just gonna focus on her advantages, so I don't have to take responsibility for my life. On the surface, it feels like we're simply describing the facts. She has this, she has that, she has this, she has that, and I don't. But underneath it, there's a little sense of relief because I don't have what she has, I can't do. What she did, boom, case closed. And as painful as it is to believe something is unavailable to you, it can feel safer than opening the door and asking, "What if some version of what I want is possible? What do I have to do next?

Laura Lummer 18:39
Right, and I do think that breast cancer makes these stories especially powerful because breast cancer genuinely changes so much in your life. And what I mean by these stories, the stories in your mind, right? People say to me all the time, you know, I listen to your podcast, and it's not about breast cancer, and it's true, it's not. But the women I talk to are women who have had a breast cancer diagnosis because that diagnosis changes things. So yes, what my podcast is about is about life, right? I'm an integrative life coach, so it's about partnering with your mind, your body, your spirit. It's about deciding what you want to create in your life. It's not about breast cancer, but for those of us who've had that diagnosis, I believe that that diagnosis creates really particular fears and limiting beliefs, and we have to work through those on top of the ones we already have just going through regular life. So our diagnosis, our treatments can change your body, your energy, your relationship, your money, your career, your confidence, your sexuality, and it can change the sense of your safety in this world. And so you may look at other people and think, "Well, she had it easier, right? She had stage one, and I had stage three." Oh well, she can exercise because she doesn't have the kind of joint pain I have, you know. Oh, she can. Yeah, she's healthy because she's got time to cook, you know. Oh well, sure, she feels confident because they didn't take off both of her breasts. She just had a lumpectomy, you know. Well, she travels because she doesn't have to worry about recurrence, or she was able to do more in her life afterwards because the cancer she had didn't affect her the same way it affected me. And some of those differences may be really real and really significant, but most of the time I don't think we know the entirety of another woman's experience, and most of the time means 99% We see what she's doing now. We don't see all the fears she had to work through. We don't see how many times she tried, stopped, started again. We don't see the conversations she had to initiate, the help she had to request, the boundaries she had to set, the money she had to save, the habits she had to change, right? We don't see the grief that other people still carry or the discomfort as they continue their experience of life. So we're comparing our complete, unedited reality of our lives with a very small, visible portion of somebody else's, and then we fill in the missing information. Well, she probably has more confidence. She must not be afraid. She must have more support, more discipline. She doesn't struggle the way I do. But confidence is not always something people have before they act. Confidence develops because they act while they're afraid, right? Maybe she travels and still thinks about recurrence. Maybe she exercises through the joint pain. Maybe she built a business while doubting herself every single step of the way, and maybe she does have the advantages that we don't have. I don't have, but even then, does focusing exclusively on other people's advantages help me create a better life with the circumstances I have, and that's the important question: not whether comparison is justified, not whether you can prove she had it easier. Does the story you're telling yourself move you towards your life, the life you want to live, or farther away from it. So one way I think to explore this is to notice the difference between an explanation and an excuse. So an explanation helps you understand what support, what accommodation, or what approach you need. An excuse ends the conversation. So an explanation might sound like this: I experience significant fatigue, so an hour-long workout isn't appropriate for me right now. I'm going to begin with 10 minutes of movement and see how my body responds. An excuse would be: I experience fatigue, so consistent movement isn't possible for me. An explanation might be: I don't have a partner helping me financially, so my goals have to work within my resources, and I I may need to move more slowly so I can save money and find a different path.

Laura Lummer 23:13
An excuse sounds like I don't have a supportive partner, so I can't create the life I want. An explanation might be treatment changed my body. What worked before doesn't feel good anymore, so I need to learn what supports this version of me. And an excuse might sound like my body will never feel good again because I had breast cancer. So the explanation respects the obstacle, but it still leaves room for a next step. The excuse uses the obstacle to prove there can be no next step. And sometimes I think we genuinely don't know what the next step is. Sometimes we're too overwhelmed or afraid to even see it. Sometimes we need support to find it. That's why people get coaching, and that doesn't mean we're lazy or weak or failing. But it's important to notice whether we are saying "I don't know how yet, or "There is no way. "I don't know how yet" leaves the door open. There is no way slams it closed. So here's a question I would like you to explore. If I stop focusing on why it was easier for other people, what would I have to look at in myself? And this is not to criticize yourself, not so you can create another list of ways you're falling short, but it's so you can become honest about where your power may still exist, and maybe the honest answer is, I know what I want, but I haven't been willing to prioritize it. I keep waiting for someone else to give me permission. I want support, but I haven't asked for it. Right? I say I don't have time, but I haven't looked honestly. And how I'm using the time I have, right? So maybe you've spent hours researching the healthiest food, the best exercise, the latest supplement, the perfect way to reduce your risk, but you aren't doing it. You aren't consistently practicing the basic things you know will help you feel better. Maybe you want your life to change, but only if no one else gets disappointed, inconvenienced, or uncomfortable because of your choices, maybe you're afraid that trying and failing will confirm something very painful that you already believe about yourself, and maybe staying where you are feels frustrating, but familiar, and familiar can feel safe, and we all want to feel safe. So even when we don't like where we are, we know how to be here. And change asks us to step into uncertainty. It asks us to become a version of ourselves that we haven't practiced being, and that can be scary, right? It may require patience, consistency, boundaries, asking for help, starting much smaller than our ego wants to, letting go of the fantasy that we wake up one morning and feel completely ready, right? And this isn't about judging yourself for any of that. Nothing I ever put out into the world is about criticizing or judging yourself. It's about allowing yourself to see it, right? I had to allow myself to see. Dang, I'm being really envious right now. I'm being really jealous right now. And you know what the answer to my question is? Like, if I want that, what do I have to do? I had a whole list, a whole page of things I know I could do to be closer to where I want to be, and a whole list of thoughts that stop me from doing them, right? But the important thing is here: you cannot make a conscious choice around something you're unwilling to see. And so, when we're willing to look at what our blocks are, and we can take responsibility, I think responsibility is very different from blame. You know, blame says it's your fault. You should have known better. You should have done better. And responsibility says this is where you are. You know, what power do you have from here, from this spot? You are not responsible for having developed disease in your life. You didn't cause your diagnosis by having a bad attitude, or eating the wrong food, or not being positive enough-we cannot control every health outcome or life circumstance. But you cannot guarantee that if you do all the right things, life will unfold exactly the way you want it to, right?

Laura Lummer 27:34
But you can explore the choices that are yours, and you can look at how you speak to yourself, and you can decide what support you're willing to seek. You can become curious about how you nourish yourself and what helps you feel well. You can examine the boundaries that you do need. You can notice which thoughts you rehearse every day. What is that story that is on rewind? And you can decide how to use the resources that are available to you, even when those resources are limited. Right, so you can look at whether you keep the promises you make for yourself, and you can ask yourself whether fear gets to make the decisions, or taking responsibility does not always mean taking the blame for everything that has happened. Is that what you're doing, right? It means refusing to abandon whatever agency you have. Reclaiming your agency begins with very small decisions. You don't have to transform your entire life, reproduce what someone else has or reproduce what someone else has created, just choosing not to use the obstacle as evidence that something is not possible for you-that's the point. So the next time you notice comparison coming up, and if comparison is feeling like envy or jealousy or grief, here is a process I would like you to try. First, honestly, name for yourself what you feel. Right, feel every feeling. We're all human beings. We all have a spectrum of emotions, and I think each one of those emotions serves a purpose. So it's okay to be honest with yourself. I feel jealous. I feel resentful. I feel threatened. I feel discouraged. I feel angry. There's no need to make the feeling mean something terrible about you, right? It's just a feeling, and that's just information. So honestly, name it, and then tell yourself, what do you think that other person has? That person you're feeling envious towards or jealous towards, do you think they have freedom, confidence, health, financial security, a strong body, a loving relationship? What do you believe that person has that you don't? And then separate the facts from the assumptions. What do you actually know about that person's circumstances? And what have you filled in? Do you know that she isn't afraid, or does she continue living in fear, or does she continue living while fear is present? Do you know everything comes easily to her, or are you seeing the outcome without seeing the process? And then finally, the fourth step is to find the desire underneath the comparison. What is her life revealing that you want for yourself? Maybe you don't want that body, but you want to feel comfortable in your own. Maybe you don't want that business, but you want to feel purposeful and creative. Maybe you don't want her marriage, but you want emotional safety and connection, right? Name the desire, and then notice the protective story. What does believing it was easier for her allow you to avoid? Is it trying? Is it asking for help? Is it having a difficult conversation, changing a habit, investing in yourself, starting small, being a beginner, discovering what you're capable of, and then finally return to your own life-not her body, finances, relationship opportunities-your life. Given your actual body, resources, responsibility, and circumstances, what's one step available to you? Five minutes of movement, making a phone call, asking for help, researching an affordable option, having a conversation you've been avoiding, putting something on your calendar, or finally admitting that you want something, admitting that you have a desire to yourself. The purpose of comparison isn't to reproduce someone else's life. It is to use the reaction her life sparked to understand your own desire, because another woman's life does not prove that you're behind, and her success does not take anything away from you. Her confidence does not diminish you. Her health does not mean you failed your own body in some way, and her relationship does not mean you are unlovable. Someone else's freedom, purpose, business, joy are not evidence that life chose her and forgot you. And she may have advantages you don't have. That may be very true, and you may possess strengths, experience, wisdom, resilience, and resources that she doesn't have. So the question is not, can I create exactly what someone else created in exactly the same way with exactly the same results?

Laura Lummer 32:30
A more useful question is, what can I create if I stopped using the differences between us as evidence that I should not try. What is possible from here, from from this place I'm standing, with this body, these resources, this history, this life? So your your circumstances may shape the path, they may affect the pace, they may require more support, accommodation, or compassion, but they do not automatically get to decide there's no path for you at all, right? The next time you find yourself explaining why another woman has it easier, stop for a sec, and don't judge yourself for the comparison. Don't dismiss the realities of your situation, but ask, what is her life showing me about what I want, and then what is believing it was easier for her allow me to avoid? And then, finally, what's one step available to me in my actual life right now? Right. So the answer may be uncomfortable, but it may also return you to your power, and that's what I want for you, and that's what I want for me. I want us to step into our power, our power as co-creators of our lives with this amazing universe, our ability to be honest and love ourselves, even when the green-eyed monster shows up, and let ask ourselves, "What does that mean to me? Right, and and as I look around, I I see things that I realize. Wow! If I allow my desire to get stronger and stronger and stronger, I see more and more things that I wish I had, and then that helps me see what's blocking the path to them from me for me, right? That I'm allowing because the only obstacle on that path is my mind, my thoughts, my thoughts about my life circumstances and my life resources. So to wrap it up, I can say that doing my homework from that call of really looking at the desires I have in my life brought up something I didn't really think it would bring up. It was an interesting experience, and you know, I realized more than I thought that was going on. But in the end, I have to be the one to manage my own thoughts, and I have to be the one to say, "This is where I'm at now. Not false positivity. But what is the work in front of me? Am I willing to do it? Right? Am I willing to do the things to get me to where that person is, that person whose station in life I'm envying right now? Am I willing to do the work to get there? And in many cases, yes. And so it takes another commitment to myself. And in some cases, it was interesting because I found myself thinking, "Well, why, why her and not me? And then I realize I don't really want that. Like that, if I go that direction, I don't want to do the work to have that, right? So then you start seeing like the stories your mind is really throwing up at you, but you get to know yourself a little bit better and give yourself a little bit more compassion and let go of those things that you realize why am I acting envious or jealous about that? And at the same time, it's not that there's no happiness for that person or their success. So I think both things can be true at the same time. I can look at someone and honestly, very heartfelt, say, "I am so happy for her. That is so cool. They had that opportunity. And then in my heart, go, "I want that too. And then followed by, "What do I have to do to get it, and am I willing to do it? So I hope that helps someone. I'm looking forward to reporting back to you on my experience at the Powerhouse Women Conference and sharing what I know is going to be an absolutely amazing experience. So I'll talk to you again next week, and until then, please be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well. Take

Speaker 1 36:43
care. At the door, give it all you got. No hesitating, you've been waiting all your life. This is your moment. This is your moment