Is love based on your belief of who someone is?
If that’s the case, what are your thoughts about yourself?
Do your thoughts lead you to acts of self-care or self-judgment?
Do they lead you to light and supportive relationships or dependence on external validation?
In this episode, we’ll dig into how your thoughts about yourself impact your life, health, and relationships.
I’ll offer you a way of increasing awareness of how these thoughts affect you and a simple step to bring you closer to loving the most real version of yourself, so you can treat yourself with all the goodness you’ve always deserved.
Referred to in this episode:
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Read the full transcript:
0:00
You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills and the insights and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're looking for a way to create a life, that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started.
0:33
Hey there, welcome to episode 352. I'm Laura Lummer. And this is better than before breast cancer. And I think that's what this show is going to be all about. Hopefully, this show is going to give you a really actionable step, something to consider something to think about when you think is it possible for me to have a life that's better than before breast cancer? And yes, it is. Let me share a story with you first. So I was having dinner with a friend of mine the other day. We hadn't seen each other probably about six months. She walks into the restaurant, she sits down, she looks at me and she says something's changed. You've let something go, your energy is different. There's something about you that's just so bright and glowing. What is it? And I thought that was just really cool. I mean, hello, that's a nice Hello, right. So we started talking about what was going on in our lives. And to me that conversation really aligned a lot with conversations that I've been having with some of my clients now who've been with me for three and four years. And watching them transform from coming to me in a lot of pain and suffering and confusion, to having really let some stuff go and are now future focused, and are now looking forward at their lives and saying, Wow, what am I going to create in my life. Now, they did a lot of work to get there. The ones that are on that side, they did a lot of work to get there. They showed up on the calls, they booked private calls, they did their work, they really consciously and intentionally knew they wanted something to change. And her saw a version of themselves that they felt like they weren't living into in that moment. But they knew they were supposed to be. So I'm listening to this book. It's called the whispers. And by Ashley Adriene. She also did the book The push both are a little I don't know, it's kind of borderline. It's like you read the book, right? Is this depressing? Is this just honest, as everybody goes through this stuff, it was interesting. But also I couldn't put it down. I couldn't stop listening. There was a line in the book, The whispers. And when she said this line, one of the characters, she was aligned for the character. And when they said this line, I thought, oh my gosh, that is such a powerful thought. And that line is what is love, except for your belief in who someone else is. Your thought about who someone else is, is what brings up this emotion of love. Right? Because think about it, how many times people break up with people get divorced, and I was just so madly in love with this person. And now, the mention of their name. What happens? What changes? Well, what changes? Is the thought about that person? You're not who I thought you were? Or you've changed from who I believed you were right, or you you haven't become who I hoped you would be. It could be that as well. But how do you apply that to yourself? That's what really struck me about this thought, I have so many clients who come to me who are suffering, because they have this thought of who they're supposed to be. And it doesn't align with who they know themselves to be. But the in between is filled with so many different beliefs and thoughts and anxieties that they can't get through the muck, they don't have the tools or understand how do I get through the muck so I can let it go and allow myself to be me. How can I work through these issues. And this is an interesting thing because people come to coaching oftentimes, or even people who go to therapy, we wait till something's broken. And then we think gotta fix it. And then it's fixed. I was like, Okay, that was solved. Now that was solved for now I can move on. And then we stopped getting the support we need to grow. And I think that one of the most valuable things we can do for ourselves is have a good life and allow it to be more. Learn to love ourselves more. Learn to believe in ourselves more. Learn to be more aligned with Who we are authentically our allow ourselves to speak our voice to say what we think to come always from a place of compassion, but transparency in feeling comfortable for ourselves and living by our thoughts and not someone else's. So this month in the better than before breast cancer membership, we're really focusing on allowing our brains to look at celebrating the lives we've created. Because there's too little of that going on. You know, it's like this 95 5% rule 95% of the qualities of a person can be wonderful. And 5% can drive you crazy. And yet, we'll choose More often than not to put our energy into thinking about the 5% that drives us crazy. But if we can look at the 95% that we love, could that relationship evolve? Could your thoughts about who you believe that person to be evolve? And how does that apply to you? We come out of a life threatening illness? Or maybe we're living with one and managing one? And do we look at that small part of our lives where my body doesn't feel good, it doesn't look the way I want it to look, it doesn't react the way it used to look, maybe I have aches and pains. And do we focus on that, rather than focusing on the 95%, and bigger and more powerful of my body still gonna walk, my body still can digest food, my body still allows me to heal my body healed through a terrible illness, maybe my body allows me to participate in the things that I love in life, right? Do we put our energy into that small percent, so much energy? And then a lot of times we'll have those thoughts like, oh, you know, my ankle hurts, my head hurts, my back hurts. And we get stuck in that knows that, oh, I should just be grateful. And we kind of talk ourselves over to the other side. And I'm just suggesting that we acknowledge when we don't feel well, we acknowledge maybe what is that we don't like. And then we learn to let it go. Right? We learn to see it for what it is instead of ignore it and stuff it and stuff, maybe the negative emotions we have around it. We really embrace it and allow it to be okay. Right? Like, I had had reconstruction and my boobs don't look like normal, natural breasts, right? They fill in clothes, but they don't look like natural breasts. They don't feel like they don't look like it. They don't act like it. Do I love that? No. Do I like that I had the opportunity to get some reconstruction so that I could fill my idea of how I wanted my body to look. Yes. Can I embrace both aspects of that? Can I say, hey, this isn't what it was. But I'll tell you what, after having four kids, my natural breasts weren't what I wanted them to be either. And sometimes we just have to embrace it and say, This is what it is. How do I love myself through it? How do I put more energy into the good, then choosing to put more energy into what causes suffering? Anger, frustration, resentment, bitterness, depression, anxiety, feeling stuck in life? How can you choose to deliberately celebrate yourself, and every single little accomplishment you've had, it's not unusual for me to have women come to me, who have had childhood traumas, anywhere from little T traumas, to really big T traumas. And now many, many, many decades later in their lives. They're still feeling and thinking from the mind of that child who had that perception of what was happening, that was very traumatic for them. And over the decades of their lives, so much energy has been poured into what hurts and what's uncomfortable and what the child believed. And we hold on to the child's belief, right? Because that was impactful. And when they can learn to look at it through different perspective, that's also true, but allows them to have space for healing, things change, things evolve, they're able to let go of that pain. And when they let go of the pain, we open space, to celebrate and receive more into our lives. And this is why I think about like when I heard this quote, that the love is based on your thought and your belief of who someone is. And I thought, oh my gosh, I'm constantly trying to think of ways to help my clients understand that if you can move into a place of self love and self compassion, everything in your life will shift. If you truly love yourself, believe in yourself, are confident yourself. Know that you're not perfect. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I have a really strong tendency to drop things and break things, forget things misplace things. I do that. And that is who I am. Do I like it? No. Do I consciously try to be more careful? Yes. I don't know, maybe because I have long arms. I'm tall. I just tend to knock things over all the time. And do I hate myself for it? No, I just kind of say, Gosh, I mean, that's a part of me. I don't know why, you know, I have this problem with proprioception, know where I'm at in space and time. But I do. So what if my thought about myself was instead of God, I'm such a klutz. Changes to you know, what, have some really great qualities. I'm a great coach. I'm a great person, I'm a good mom. What did I say? Great, great. And then good. Maybe I need to work on that. I'm a great mom, of a great wife. And I knock things over all the time, right? Can I embrace all of me and not judge me. And when I do that, that space in that energy that's taken up by looking at my flaws, it just doesn't get taken up anymore. It's open for more love and more compassion. And what happens is, when we move ourselves to that space when we work on ourselves first, and we truly learn to appreciate love, and grace and allow ourselves to be who we are, to express our needs, to have our own back to drop self judgment, to connect to our bodies, and also accept our bodies as they are our health as it is, and open space to really bring compassion into that equation. What starts to happen is the relationships around us shift, because we believe in ourselves so much more confidently, and we understand our needs with so much knowing, like knowing in our heart of hearts, right, not just in our mind, a lot of times, I'll coach people, and they'll say, you know, I know this intellectually, but it's just not resonating yet. And so it's when that thought that belief moves into a feeling into your body, and like, I know it now, I am so confident that I'm worthy, that I'm deserving, that I can achieve whatever I put my mind to, right, whatever it is that you're working on it, you have a knowing that shifts things because once you know for yourself, and you're ready, willing, determined and committed to show up for yourself and take care of yourself from a very compassionate place, the need for external validation starts to melt. And it's replaced by the receiving and acceptance of support, there's a big difference between being open to allowing people to support you and come into your life and needing people to validate your worthiness from an external place. Right? That is when we're looking for external validation. And that's not to say that we don't all love to be appreciated and recognized and valued. But that when we attach the external perception of someone to our own sense of self worth, that's looking for that external validation, to feel what we don't feel for ourselves. But when we can look at this thought of who we really are, instead of having another thought of who we have to be before we can love ourselves, we can go, this is me. I'm emotional, or I'm passionate, or I'm caring, or whatever your qualities are. And you say, this is just me, and it's okay. And I'm going to take care of me, and I'm going to show up for me in the best ways. Then when other people come to you, boundaries get healthier. And the acceptance of support is healthier, because you don't have this belief. Like, I have to prove I'm strong, I have to prove that I'm meeting this idea of this thought of who I'm supposed to be. You can say yeah, I'm tired. And I would appreciate that help. Yeah, I'm broke. And I would appreciate that help. Because when we're open to receiving, people want to give, right and I think most people when we have healthy relationships in our lives, people want to give and giving doesn't always mean money giving means kindness, listening words, support, showing up a gift can be just as much a compliment is a gift. As much as something you go out and buy at Nordstroms. When someone comes up to you and they say, you are an amazing, beautiful human being. And you're like, No, no, no, no, no. Right? I don't want that compliment. I don't accept that compliment. We put it away. What if you just said thank you. Thank you so much. What if you allow that to mean something to you? That is a gift. And that's a big step towards self love. If it's a big step towards self compassion. So when I think about and I'd like you to think about this thought, if love is based on our idea of who someone is, who do you think you are? Versus Who do you think you're supposed to be? Which one of those is easier to love? And why? Is it hard to love the person you think you're supposed to be? Because that's not really you? Is it harder to love the person you really, truly are? Because you think people will judge you. When we look at that? Why? What stops you? What's the block? That's the important work right there? And if you notice that the block is something like, well, that's the person I think I'm supposed to be, and I'm not. And I'm not that person, because it just doesn't feel real to me, then that's the work you can look at. How does that feel real to me? Do I want that? Is that really aligned with me? Why am I pushing myself to be this person that doesn't fit? And if on the other side, the thought is like, I know who I am authentically, I'm an artist, why am I doing math? Right? I want to do this one thing in life, but I'm doing this thing because of all the beliefs I have around why I'm supposed to be doing this thing instead of what I love. Now you can work on letting that go. And allowing yourself to have a clearer picture of who you see yourself to be of who you let yourself see yourself to be. And can you say I can fall in love with that person with all of their imperfections with all of their flaws. But recognizing that those are just a small part? And maybe they don't deserve the majority of the energy? How can you move more into celebrating you, so that you can bring more support into your life, more happiness into your life, more confidence into your life, so that instead of always looking at what's wrong, and what has to be fixed, you can start looking at what you want to invite in, so your life is fuller, right? I feel like I'll go back to the story I started with with my friend that said, You've let some stuff go. And I have, I have realized since my stage for cancer diagnosis, that incredible value in letting go of negative emotions, and letting go of grudges in letting go of unfairness thoughts of unfairness from decades and decades ago, it doesn't serve me. And I've realized the value in appreciating and embracing myself, even through the things that I would say I'm not proud of, maybe I'm ashamed of, and learning to see myself in my past self through a different lens, so that I can let go of those negative emotions, and have more space for just really stepping into abundance and manifestation. And I would say that, my my mindset and my focus has shifted so much towards just completely immersing myself into receiving, practicing understanding the science of manifestation of creating the life I want, rather than fixing the life that didn't fit. And it's a very different energy and it feels glowy and good. And I truly believe that it is that it's that diagnosis of cancer and that knowing the knowing, right, because we all know intellectually, that life is not forever. But the knowing when it moves into your body, you're like, Whoa, now I know this. What counts here? What doesn't? Why am I choosing to hold on to things that don't count? And why am I choosing to not allow myself to move into what could make my life so much fuller, and bring so much more peace to my heart? It's an important thing to consider. All right, friends, if you need help with that, that's what I do. And I would love to help you. Whether it's you're looking at your mindset, your ability to love yourself, your metabolic health, wrapping the whole thing into a package because I think it all comes together, you can find something that works for you on my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com and click on coaching and programs, the better than before breast cancer life coaching membership has not only everything you could ever imagine years and years worth of great coaching and lessons and workshops, all the things included but also really good specials for my members on focusing on metabolic health coaching packages as well. So it's kind of everything is involved. But if you prefer more one on one personal coaching that's available to you as well. And I think that no matter where you're at in life, you know, even if you think you're I'm pretty good, I'm pretty good and you want more. That's a great time for coaching. Nothing has to be broken. So check out the website If you can find something that helps you to love yourself more, treat yourself better. And embrace and fall in love with the idea and the thought of who you really are. All right friends, I'll talk to you again soon and until then, be good to yourself. Take care
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