What comes to mind when you think about living a year without trying?
Does it sound like giving up, or does it sound like deciding to go all in, or step out?
The important thing missing from “trying” something that’s important to you is commitment.
The smallest shift in language can create a big shift in energy and the life you decide to create.
In this episode, I’ll tell you how ”trying” and two other thought errors can be major roadblocks to becoming the person you want to be and to living the life you want to live.
Referred to in this episode:
Read the full transcript here:
Laura Lummer 00:00
You're listening to the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a Certified Life health and nutrition coach, and I'm also a breast cancer thriver. If you're trying to figure out how to move past the trauma and the emotional toll of breast cancer, you've come to the right place. In this podcast, I will give you the tools and the insights to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer. Well, let's get started.
Laura Lummer 00:32
Hello, and welcome to episode 209 of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I am thrilled to be here with you today, I'm really excited to talk about today's topic. And before I get into it, I'm going to give you something that's going to lead into it actually and remind you that I have a free download that is available. And it is called How to Eat without fear and guilt after breast cancer. It's a guide, you can read through it. It's an action guide. And there's also an audio file so you can listen to it if you're a listener more than a reader. But it is to offer you a new perspective on eating and food. And in that guide, I'm going to ask you some really powerful questions. And this is going to lead right into the podcast. Because so many times when we're faced with powerful questions, questions where we've got to dig kind of deep, or admit something to ourselves, that doesn't feel great. We just don't do it. We look at the guide, we say yeah, that sounds good. We put it down, we say I'll get back to it. So I encourage you, go get this free download. Get a pencil and paper, if you're listening to it, be prepared to write your own honest answers. Remember, when you write answers to these deep questions, it doesn't mean you have to do it. The whole exercise is an exercise in awareness. And a lot of times our brain kind of fools us. And this is why we don't see change in our lives. Because we see something, we say I'll get back to it. We think we want it in our lives. We say we want it in our lives. But when the discomfort comes up, we're just not taught how to be with discomfort. We look at a question that asks you to look at something really deep about you and be honest with yourself. And the discomfort comes up and we're like, oh, I'm moving on. And then we never see positive change in our life. We never get to live that full life, that full expression of ourselves. We've got to move past the discomfort. And in order to do that, we've got to do the work. Sometimes that's not easy to do. And that's okay, we can do things that aren't easy. You're listening to me, you've been through cancer, you're going through cancer, now you're living with cancer, that shit is not easy. But you can do it, and you can make it better. I know because I do every day, every single day. I'm always working out what am I willing to look at? What am I not willing to look at? This is difficult, what's holding me back? How do I get out of my own way, so that I can live the fullest expression and experience and achieve everything I want in my life. All right. So go get that free guide, you can get it right in the front page of my website down at the bottom it is the breast cancer recovery coach.com Or go to the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash eat and just download it there, okay is how to eat without fear and guilt after breast cancer. So when you see these questions, you may have fear, guilt, shame, or whatever thoughts you have around food and the actions you have taken so far in your life with food. And those might come up, be ready for that. Know that notice them and say, Whoa, there it is. There it is. It's coming up. And right the answers. This is the first set awareness, awareness of what you're thinking and how you're treating yourself. And it's an exercise in awareness, not a commitment to change. Alright, so it's safe, it's totally safe, go and do it. The breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash eat. So this is completely in line with and one of the things that has led to what I'm going to talk about here on the show today. Right now we are just wrapping up the first month of 90 days of wellness in the breast cancer recovery group. And before that we did an eight week program called Becoming you within these two programs and then just in general coaching that I do There's this really powerful word that comes up all the time. There's actually two, I'm going to touch on both of them. But one more so. Because again, our brain, we can say things. And it's really sly like language and the way we think. And when we tell ourselves a word means it can be very subtle. But those subtleties can have a huge impact on what happens and what does not happen for you. In your life. This word, the big one is try.
Laura Lummer 05:36
It is. I'll try that. Maybe I'll give that a try. I tried it. It didn't work. Yeah, I've tried that before. All right, I'm gonna share a story with you pops into my head, as I'm saying this, when my children were small. My daughter was in one scouting program, and my son younger than her eight years younger than her was in another scouting program. They have the promise and the law. And both of these programs, you know, they're kind of their guidelines. And my son at the time was comparing what they're saying is, you know, when they hold up their two or three fingers, and they say their their promise, in my daughter's program, the promise started with on my honor, I will try. In my son's program, the promise started with on my honor, I will. And I'll never forget this because they were talking about these promises. And I remember him saying, and that's the difference between what you guys do and what we do. You say, you're going to try it, we just get it done. And I'll never forget that because I thought, that is a really insightful thing for this little kid to pick up on. But as life goes on, and I think about in my own life, what does that mean, to me when I say I'll try. And I coach people, and I see that they want to make something happen in their life. And the word try is roadblock. So in the becoming you program, the eight weeks of becoming you were looking really deeply at what you say you want in your life, and yet you don't commit to it 100%. And I'm gonna give you three things, that when you say you're listening now, and you say, I really want this in my life, I want to have a healthier way of eating, I want to have more energy, I want to have a better relationship. I want to have a more fulfilling career. I want to be a calmer parent, daughter, sibling, anything, right? So across the board, anything you want, whether it's a tangible thing, whether it's a shift in energy, whether it's the way you treat yourself, okay? The reason you don't have it yet, is because you have not committed to making it happen. Because when you start to think about making a commitment to make it happen, different thoughts are going to come up. That's really hard. What if it doesn't work? What if I fail, I don't know how to do it. I've never done that before, on and on, I could go on, I don't think a podcast is long enough for all of the excuses the human brain comes up with, when we decide we want to make a change in our life. But today for this show, I'm going to talk about three very, very important things. So if there's something right now that you really want in your life, and I'll give you an urge here to look at the things where you say, well, that gave me cancer. Start there. Take a look at that. When you see and I say that because I hear it from so many people that relationship gaming cancer, that job gave me cancer, that person gave me cancer. Now we know that they didn't, right? We know that, that that person didn't come up and give you the mojo of cancer. But when you say that to yourself, that means something my friend, that means something, okay? If you're telling yourself something in your life, had such a powerfully negative or toxic or draining effect on you, that you say that gave me cancer. That's not something you just want to glaze over. That's something you want to really take a look at an IP that is still in your life and you want to change it. Here's the things that get in the way of doing that. Now, there's a lot more than just these three, but these are the three big ones.
Laura Lummer 09:45
One is that you have a past focus. When we don't commit to making change in our life. It is because we're not looking at the future goal. We're not look Looking at the person we're going to become, in order to create this in our life, we're thinking about the person we've always been. We're thinking about the things that have happened in the past. So let me give you another example. I'll give you two examples. Because these are the most popular ones, I think the most common ones. One is changing the way you eat. And another one is changing relationship. Basically, improving the communication in a relationship, finding your voice, and feeling that connection, that that communicative connection with another human being, wherever that human being, whatever that role is. And you you want this, you say to yourself, I don't, I want to get along with my child, I want to be able to tell my spouse, anything. I want to speak up for myself at work. And I haven't done it in 1020 3040 years. I've never done it. And so all I think about is the past or then I think we'll wait in the past, I did try. In the past, I said this one thing one time, and it didn't go well at all. It did not go well. I'm not doing that again. Stop right there. I am not doing that. Again, it didn't go well remember what I said about why we don't want to move forward, because there's discomfort. So when you decide you want to make a change, you decide you want to try something new, and you put the first effort out, and it doesn't go the way you wanted it to go. You have to ask yourself, How much am I willing to do? Right? So when we say, I'll try that, so I'll try to improve the communication in my marriage? Oh, yeah. Huh. Today, I said, Hey, honey, can you sit down, I want to tell you something. He's like, I just got home and go have a beer. Oh, okay. That didn't go well. That's it for me. This is what happens when we try. Because when we say I'll try, I want you to ask yourself, what does that mean to me? What does it mean to me? When I say I'll try? There's kind of a lack of a commitment there. Right? You're not saying I am going to improve the communication in my relationship? I am going to figure this out. Right? You say? Well, I'll try. Meaning I'll put out a little bit of effort. And if it doesn't go well, or doesn't feel good. I'm not I'm not going to do it. Instead of going through the discomfort of following through with the commitment that says, No, I am going to do this. We stay in the discomfort the room already know the discomfort that comes from I'll try that was uncomfortable. Stay here. I don't like here. I don't like what here is I don't like the way it's going. So I'll stay in this familiar discomfort rather than commit to going through whatever it takes to create what I want in my life. When it comes to food. Well, I tried that before that didn't work. Well, you know how many diets I've been on, those didn't work.
Laura Lummer 13:25
We're not the same person anymore. And you have more tools available to you now. So when we look at the past, when it comes to something we want to change, you're like, Yeah, I tried to talk to them before that didn't work. They don't have to change. We get to show up differently. We get to show up as the person who says, No, we're going to make this happen. So yeah, this isn't fun for me. And it's not fun for you, but sit your ass down kid because we're gonna figure out how to get along. I'm thinking my teenagers, right? And you figure it out, right? You show up differently. When you say, I'm going to do this, versus when you say I'm going to try when you come into especially I'm going to try with a past focus. So we're stepping in around it well, I'm going to try to change something. But I remember what's happened in the past. You are like two steps behind yourself already. You are setting yourself up for failure. In fact, you're prepping yourself and you're kind of saying and it's gonna be okay. Because I didn't really commit to it anyway. I know it didn't work, and I'm just gonna prove to myself that it won't work again. Okay. When we're coming at it from the past, that's what's happening. When we're saying I'll try and we've got this past focus. You might as well just not, you know, are you going to decide to do this or not do it. But don't bullshit yourself. Don't say I'm going to try and it's not a commitment, and you're not going to give it You're all and you haven't decided why it's even important enough for you to say, I'm going to do this right? Be honest with yourself, you're either going to do something, or you're not.
Laura Lummer 15:13
Now, you may be thinking, well, what if I do it and it doesn't work out? And you have to ask yourself, if I do this, how much time am I willing to do? So, I will commit to doing this therapy for six months, and then reevaluate and see what else isn't working. What else do I need to do? Right? That's different from well, let me check it out and see if it works. I just pick therapists, I'm thinking about relationships. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go, I'll go and try. And I'll just see if it works as if this thing you're gonna go do this therapy you're gonna go to, is going to have this magic fairy dust and sprinkle it on you and it's going to work, you've got to work, right? You've got to be the one that goes in and says, Okay, I'm going to therapy, and I'm going to make this work. And I'm going to give a shout out. Hopefully, it's not any kind of invasion of privacy or anything. I don't think so. Because I think she's okay with it. But like, I'm so proud of my little sister, because she does this. Like she went through a divorce. And I've never seen someone handle it so beautifully. Because she said, we have a family. I love you. I love this family. We can't be in the same house married together anymore. But damn it, we're family. And we are going to figure out how to support our children, because we are all family forever. Now, you might hear that and be like, What the heck I did, because I've been divorced twice. And that did not look that pretty. And she but she decided and you know what they've been through some rough patches. And they've been through some really difficult times of communicating and figuring things out. And she always goes back and she says, it's hard. We'll figure it out. We are going to be a family. And man, I gotta tell you, it's amazing to watch her. But she didn't go and say, Well, I'm going to try. But if he's a jerk, then forget it. No, she said, this is important to me. Because I believe it's important for my children. And I'm going to make this happen. Right? Big, big difference. So have they tried different things? Yes, along the way. But they tried them with a sense of well, let's try this much talking this much interaction, huh? Is that working? Not really, let's shift. Let's try this instead. Let's try that instead. So I'm using the word try, as I say, I'll try. But let's experiment. Let's explore. Let's see if this works. But the at the end of the day, the commitment is because we're going to figure it out. So when you say, Well, you got to try new things. Yes, in that sense, you do. But you don't try them without the commitment to figure it out. You don't try them with, it's never worked in the past, I'm just going to show myself one more time that it doesn't work. So now that we're talking about the future, that's number two. The other mistake that we make when we don't fully commit is we tell ourselves future stories. But the future stories are not the great ones. They're not the ones like I just shared with you. They're not the ones like my sister said, where she's like, we're gonna figure this out. We're going to be a family, we're going to get through this divorce. And we're going to like each other and have fun together. Right? And goal. That's not where most people go. Most people when we're looking at the future, I'm going to change my diet, improve my relationship, write a book, start a business, pick something, anything at all. People look in the future, and they go, what's the worst case scenario? Right? So I've coached people who want to start their own businesses. And I'll tell you, here's here's a common thought process. Well, if I start my own business, and then I start making a lot of money, then I'm just not going to have enough time to do that business. And I don't know how to manage that kind of money. And what if people want refunds and stuff and I can't take it back. And I would do this because I want to have more time. But that will give me less time and stop.
Laura Lummer 19:15
And take a breath. You haven't even picked a URL for your website. And you've walked yourself down the road of making so much money, you can't manage it in your life and you have to close a business. Okay. I have seen with relationships, people trying to find their voice and understanding something very important for me to let this person know in my relationship, and as they're doing it, they are telling themselves this story. And if I say this, that person is going to be so offended, and they're going to be so angry, and they're going to divorce me and they're going to leave me or they're going to break up with me or they're never going to speak to me again. You haven't even had one One conversation. And you've gone down the road to the fact that this person is now no longer in your life, this person who loves you love, this is a loving relationship that we just want to make better. And when we think about doing something different, just try in this relationship. Our brain walks us write down divorce court. Future stories, when we decide to make change in our life, we have to think of future stories through the eyes of the person we want to become. So when you want to have a better relationship, you look at your future story from the person who has a wonderful, loving, close, open, transparent relationship. And you say to yourself, how does a person who lives this way behave? Do they get easily offended? Do they get mad? Do they call names? Do they throw bottles against the wall? Probably not. What does that person do? So our brain, it's, we're gonna go to future scenarios. But we've got to catch our brain when it's going to future negative scenarios and telling you how bad this is going to turn out. And bring it back and say, Who is the person that I want to be in this relationship, I'm going to add through that person's brain through that person's eyes, I'm going to come from a heart centered place, because this is what I want in my life. Right? When you want to start a business, let's go back to the business scenario, instead of walking yourself down, how busy it's going to be and how crazy it's going to be. And let me tell you starting your own business is not that easy. I would love to have opened my website and seeing the millions of dollars pour in. That's not how it happens, right? So when you decide to start something for yourself, it's like, Hmm, who do I want to be here? What am I willing to go through and feel, that's what it comes down to? What are you willing to feel, if you are not willing to feel every emotion that comes up on your way to becoming that person you want to be? Hmm, that's gonna, that's gonna get in the way, you've got to be able to be willing to feel uncomfortable. So when we say I want this change in my life, this change has not happened. Because you have not committed to creating that change. Or you've said, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try these past stories. And negative future stories are a big part of shutting you down, if you're only trying. But if you say I'm going to do this, and I'm willing to go through whatever I've got to go through to make it happen. Because I can see myself at the other end, I can see what it's going to feel like to have more energy to fit in my clothes more comfortably. And so I know it's going to be hard to get up at 530 in the morning, I know it's going to be hard to drag my butt out of that warm cozy bed. But I'm willing to feel uncomfortable to do what it takes to do this, whatever exercise routine, because I know the person I'm going to be at the end of is gonna have more energy and be able to engage in life better, right? We've got to be willing to feel the discomfort. And we've got to be willing to look at our future from the person will become not the person we used to be in the past, because we're going to show up different, you're going to show up differently when you think that way.
Laura Lummer 23:38
Now a third big factor, and this gets overlooked a lot. A third big factor is we've got to look and be really honest with ourselves about why we're staying where we're at now. What is the actual benefit of staying where you're at versus committing to moving forward and creating what you want, because there is benefit there. Or there's a perceived benefit there. Right. I'll give you an example for me that I had to work through was not easy. I want to eliminate dairy from my diet. I said I'm going to eliminate dairy completely. And I'm going to give it three months watching my bloodwork and see it as eliminating dairy, make any change in my bloodwork, my tumor markers, my energy, my digestion, my elimination, because a lot of things I read about dairy, talk about it as this inflammatory source and I've had some digestive issues that I think may be related to dairy. So I decide I am going to cut out dairy completely, like be diligent about it for three months. This is my commitment to myself. And I put it off because I wanted to have that extra hot Breville latte a couple of days a week that I love, right so I would have the bread a latte and I'd be getting the brevity latte. And I'd be thinking that's dairy. Laura, what are you doing? You said no dairy, thinking milk? I did. I said no dairy. And then I was going through my digestive issues. And I had to work that right. I had to say the benefit for me in not going fully into my commitment is that I really enjoy the taste and the experience from this one coffee shop in particular of this latte. But was that really a benefit? Well, in the moment, when I tasted it, it was a benefit. But the next morning when I wake up, it's not a benefit, at all, not a benefit. And so we've got to sometimes look at what we tell ourselves is a benefit. You know, I want to go work out. I haven't Why haven't you committed to that? Well, gosh, I love laying in bed. You love a cozy sleepy morning? And how is that benefiting? You? Well, it's only a temporary benefit, right? It's a false sense of pleasure. When we want to make change, oftentimes we tell ourselves, I'm going to make this change. And what it's going to take is willpower. And what it's going to take is his determination. But one of the things that it takes is honesty with yourself. And it takes looking at where you're at now, what you're doing now, and what you perceive as the benefits from that, because that's what your brain wants to hang on to. But wait, wait, wait, we like this. And then we work through it and say, Well, do I really like this? Is it really benefiting me? Or is it a false sense of pleasure? Because once you start to realize, Wow, that that is a false sense of pleasure. And it actually isn't a benefit because it leads to kind of more suffering for me, my birthday latte, it leads to suffering, right? Is a temporary enjoyment. It's a false sense of pleasure. And I finally have given it up. And I'll tell you what, I'm saving money because I really don't like nut milk lattes. And so I saved myself financially. And I saved myself a lot of digestive distress as well. But that is an important step. Right? We're looking at our past story, we're looking at our future story. But we're looking at our now story. Why am I here? Now? What am I telling myself, the benefit is, well, the benefit is I don't want to get hot and sweaty, and then take a shower at lunchtime, if I go for this long walk. The benefit is whatever it is to you. Right? The benefit of not giving up the drinking during the week is Oh, it's so nice. Right now my husband comes home, we sit down, we have Martini together, it's so lovely. And we look at that benefit. What do that what we tell ourselves as a benefit, and then examine it and be honest with yourself so that you can make a decision based on what's real for you. Now, what's a false sense of pleasure for you. So I'm going to summarize this, if you have a change you want to make in your life, and you have not yet committed to that change. I would like for you to commit something to yourself. Eliminate the word try from your vocabulary for a bit. And when you think about that change you want to make in your life, give yourself two options, I will do this, or I won't do this, I am doing this because or I am not doing this because
Laura Lummer 28:29
and be really honest with yourself about your future story. Notice if you're making up a make believe scenario that's making you feel sick and making you wanna throw in the towel before you've taken the first step. If it is, that's a good thing to look at. So you can be aware of how do I want to think about this? What is the future me if I commit to this thing. And then be aware that your past stories get to stay in the past. Because when you make a commitment to change, that is something for you out of a place of self compassion for you. Because you know, it will benefit you in the long run whatever it is, because it's the achievement of a dream or the closeness of a relationship or whatever it is. Remember to be honest enough with yourself to look at your brain and say, What am I telling myself I am benefiting from now. That is one thing that's keeping me from saying I will make this change. Alright, those three very important things can literally change your life. Alright, so we're going to take the word try to put it on the back burner. As I'm saying this, oh my God, my assistant is going to kill me. But in this moment, as I'm saying this, I'm thinking to myself, I'm going to take the becoming you program. It was something that was in the better than before breast cancer membership that we did. And I'm going to make that available that stand alone program. I'm going to make that available for you to go through So it'll open October 1, this podcast is going to come out around the 23rd. So that time to get the work done. And October 1, you'll be able to do the becoming you program because I think it's so incredibly valuable. And October is coming up. And there's so much to talk about when it comes to breast cancer in October, and you could be a cross the board in emotions when this month comes up, especially depending on where you're at in your life and your treatment. And I want you to be able to have access to this so that instead of hearing all the noise and the voices that are going to be coming up for you, you can turn inward and ask yourself, Who do I want to become? What in my life have I not committed to and what is stopping me from doing that. And the becoming you program will walk you through that process. So you can go ahead and go to the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash u, y o u. And in fact, if you enroll in the becoming you standalone program, I'm going to open a pre enrollment. So if you enroll in it before October 1, so you get yourself set up set up, you're getting yourself ready, you're working through the trials, you're working through the stories and you're getting to the commitment, then I'm going to also give you a complimentary month in the better than before breast cancer membership during that month of october so that you can get even more coaching and support inside that program for you. So that is going to be pretty spectacular. This podcast will come out September 23. So jump on it take advantage of that time between September 23 and October 1 and go pre enroll in the becoming you program. And then I will work with you through the month of October while you're in that program becoming you and understanding what is keeping you from committing to creating the life you want. Because you can do this my friend. All right. I will talk to you again next week. And until then, Please be good to yourself. Take care. Go get the free download, go register for becoming you. And I'll talk to you again next week. Be good to yourself.