#163 How to Manage Negative Cancer Stories

Subscribe on iTunes

How often have people responded to your breast cancer revelation with harrowing tales of someone they knew who didn't make it? Such reactions can be overwhelming and emotionally draining.

In this episode, listen to a real-life experience from one of my clients who sought a way to handle these unwelcome narratives. Additionally, I'll guide you on effectively navigating these situations without getting swept up in an emotional whirlwind.

 

Referred to in this episode:
The Four Pillars of Breast Cancer Recovery

Em and Friends 

No Cure for Being Human

 


 

Read full transcript below:

 

0:01
This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.

0:38
Hello, friends, welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. And I just have one question before we even get anything started. Have you subscribed to the breast cancer recovery coach podcast, if you hit that subscribe button, you never have to miss an episode, and you're gonna be so much happier. If you're a regular listener, it'll make it easier if you're a new listener, you're gonna want to hear it anyway. So hit the subscribe button. And if you have the time, if you can take a couple of moments. Also, if you could leave a review, or a rating for this podcast, it would be so helpful. And if you're brand new, and you want to listen to the whole thing, let me check it out and see if it's worth a rating. That's cool. I get it. So if you check it out, and you love the show, please leave a rating or review, it makes all the difference in the world. And it makes it easier for other survivors who may need to hear this information, be able to find it. All right, so thank you for that. Thank you in advance for that. Let's get right into the show today. This show is actually based on a question that I received about a week ago from a member of my revivify coaching program, and lovely woman who has been around and following this podcast for some time. So I'm going to share the story with you I did ask her permission to share this story with you. And I'm going to talk about a little bit on the show because I I wanted to share this because I know it's a really common experience. It's something that we as breast cancer survivors as patients when we're going through breast cancer treatment, when people hear about our diagnosis, this kind of thing comes up. And it can be very challenging. And I've also worked with women who years after a many years after still find this to be a very challenging situation. So I think it's an important thing to talk about. The message that I received said, I do permanent makeup and specialize in areola tattoos for women who've had breast cancer, I have a lot of free time with them as they numb. I think people in general always try to connect with you. So they start to tell you their bad stories about their friend or family member has had cancer and then died. I don't want to be rude and stop them. But it affects me greatly. Since this is the second cancer I've been through. I've tried to say I'm so sorry for your loss, but I need to focus on staying positive. As you know, it is always on TV ads, TV shows, books, and never with good outcomes. I had a good client I hadn't seen in years and she proceeded to tell me how her young niece died of cancer, then proceeded to show me horribly sad photos. It really affects me. Most of my clients are aware of what I've been through though, what would be a good way to stop them before they continue. I can always hear it coming when they go there. Hmm, good question. Does that resonate with you? It does with me. In fact, I'll share a story with you. When I was first diagnosed with stage four cancer last year was pretty severe in my hip and I had to be on crutches as I went through radiation. My doctor didn't want me to have any weight on my hip. I was on my crutches. And I live in a condominium complex. I was on my crutches. And I was downstairs going towards the garage area and a neighbor came out and saw me and asked, you know, oh, what's going on? Why are you on this crutches he was older gentleman. And I said, Oh, I am in radiation right now for breast cancer that has spread to my bones and I have to be on crutches. And he stopped and he looked at me and he got very somber videos.

4:32
Yeah, my mom died from breast cancer too.

4:36
And I was like, Okay, how awesome. Thank you for that encouraging statement. Right? I know, you feel me, this is something that happens.

4:46
So what do you do? Whether you're in treatment and you're in survival mode, and you're trying to get through this and someone's bringing a death stories to you, or you're out of treatment and you're still trying to process the trauma? You're still trying

5:00
And to get your head around everything. And you're still trying to find a way to work with managing your mind over fear of recurrence, over skin xiety over all the things that we go through for years and years after breast cancer treatment. What do you do in this situation? Well, I want to come at it from two different aspects. Because as a coach, I see it from two different ways. In the first one that I want to offer to you, is when someone offers you a story of a traumatic breast cancer event,

5:39
what do you make it mean to you?

5:42
So my neighbor who he offered me the story of his mother's death. Now, I've been through a lot of until that point, right. So I process a lot, I had no problem with what he said. Because what he said, were just words.

5:58
Now, there was a time when those words impacted me, as I've shared with you before on the show, after recently after I had my first diagnosis of breast cancer, and I was recovering from treatment. And it was October, and there was just post after post after commercial after everything of this woman who died from cancer and that woman who died from cancer and I thought, Oh, my God, this is awful. Like, I can't I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't see this. In I did unfollow things. I did look away from things. I thought I can't hear these stories, because you hear so many of them. And it's friggin scary, right? It scares you. And especially the ones like oh, she was doing so great. And everything was wonderful, and everything was fine. And then she died. And it's like, oh my God, why do you tell someone something like that.

6:52
So this reminds me of a line of greeting cards that I love. I discovered them through a podcast that was shared with me from one of my Empower membership members some time ago. And this podcast was brilliant. It was a interview between the woman who started the greeting card company, Emily McDowell, who is also a cancer survivor. And then another cancer survivor named Kate bowler, who is a fabulous author, one of her recent book is no cure for being human. I'll see if I can dig up the link to that podcast because I really did enjoy it. But in the show notes for this episode of Be sure and put the link to the greeting card company called mn friends, and to the book no cure for being human. So in this podcast, that's how I discovered and then friends, the greeting card company. And what this woman Emily McDowell did is she started this line of greeting cards because of all the things she experienced going through her cancer treatment, and of the things people said to her. And so it's really it's funny, some of them are inspirational, some of them are really meaningful. But there was this one card and I remember what I read it just laughing out loud. And it's been one of my very, very favorite greeting cards ever since. And this is the front of the card says, When life gives you lemons, I won't tell you a story about my cousin's friend who died of lemons. And it's like, who could really get that, but one of us right, but a cancer survivor, like you get it, I get it when I read that I was cracking up and I'm like, That's so funny. How many times have I said to myself, why do people do that? Why as soon as they hear you had breast cancer, you have breast cancer, they tell you a sad story of someone dying. Okay. So what do we do with that? How do we manage that? Without letting that kind of a comment? Take us down a really dark place, you know, go to this rabbit hole, get really scared, start asking questions about the person they lost. Oh, my God, what happened? How they find out what were their first symptoms? Because you know, we do that. Right? You get out of treatment, or even for me in treatment. Recently, someone said to me, oh, yeah, I have an ENT and she had breast cancer that spread her bones. And she's still alive. Now. She's 75. And she got diagnosed 15 years ago, and I Oh, I love hearing things like that. And then other people will say to me, Oh, I've lost so many friends whose breast cancer has spread to their bones, and it's horribly painful. And I'm like, really? Thank you for telling me that. I guess. You know, what is the purpose? Now, as the woman who sent me this message said she thinks people are trying to connect and people want to be empathetic, but they've never been on this side of a diagnosis so they just don't get it. And it really doesn't matter if they get it or not because it's up to us. How are we

10:00
going to manage that? How do we manage our thoughts around it so that we can manage our emotions? And how do we create a healthy boundary for ourselves so that we can feel comfortable saying to someone, I need you not to say that right? In a way that works for you. So let's talk about that. What do you make it mean to you? So someone says words, right? This is the circumstances somebody said these words. And I made it mean, oh, my God, what did that happens to me? What if I'm the next one? Right? Oh, my God, that is so scary. I don't want to think about dying. So the question is really hear what goes through your mind? And how far do you take the story? So the example I gave you a moment ago, when someone says to me, oh, gosh, I've had so many people that I've known have died from cancer that spread to their bones, and it's horribly painful. Now, immediately, I could say wounded lol, I do not want to hear this right now. Because I Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. Excuse me, I need to go get a glass of water, right? And I can walk away. Or I can take that. And I can start building on that. And I can say, really? How many of their bones? How far did it spread? How long? Did they have it? Well, what treatment did they have? Because I want to compare the treatment they're on to the treatment that I'm on. Right? If I hear you hear the story of someone sharing, like what I just shared with you in the message anything? Well, how long were they in remission? How long did they have cancer? What stage were they diagnosed? What medications were they on? Because what we're doing is we're trying to pacify our own fear. We hear the story, we get frightened, because we tell us that could happen to me. If that happened to them, it could happen to me. But let me check in and find all the details about this person who died, compare him to the details that I'm going through in my own experience, and hopefully, they don't match. Hopefully, I'm not the same protocol. I'm not the same diagnosis, right? Many, many times when people hear about my diagnosis, one of the questions at those say is, what's the prognosis? How long did they give you? And, you know, I have never asked that question. So I can't answer that question. And my response to that is, it doesn't matter how long anybody gives me, I'm not a statistic, I'm going to decide. Right now. That's true and not true. Of course, I don't get to decide how long my life is going to be. But I get to decide what I want to believe. And the one thing I don't want in my head is someone else's timeframe of how long my life is going to be right? I am not a statistic. And when physicians offer us those numbers, those prognosis if you're someone who needs it, it's all good. And you get what you need. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But for me, I don't want those numbers. I don't want limitations in my head. And I realized that it is an average. And that average could be based on anything, right? It could be based on most people with your diagnosis are 70, some years old, who knows what their lifestyle is, who knows what their lifestyle has been their history, their living circumstances are so many factors that go into the way that a disease impacts someone's life. And there's so many factors into the way that the treatment for that disease impacts someone's life and lifespan. So for me, that is not a comforting piece of information. It is not something I asked for. And it is not something I'm aware of. The only thing that's important to me is what am I doing to support my health and happiness? Today? That's what I focus on. Because that is the only thing I have control over. So number one question, when someone presents that story of someone else who died a horrible death from breast cancer? What are you going to make it mean to you? How far are you going to take it? How big are you going to allow that story to become? Or can you just say I'm so sorry to hear that and then change the subject. So this is one option. A lot of times we're not there yet. As I shared with you a minute ago, after my first diagnosis, in breast cancer, you know, Awareness month came up. It was a difficult time, because I hadn't yet learned to manage my mind and my thoughts around all of these stories around this experience. And in fact, I didn't even know that I needed to learn to manage my mind around it, because it was the first time I'd experienced it. You know, it was the first time Breast Cancer Awareness Month came up since my diagnosis and treatment had begun. And so the impact was really powerful because I hadn't been bombarded with all of the stories that we do hear during that month or all

15:00
love the people who suddenly are talking about their stories because the awareness is heightened during that month. So sometimes when someone brings up that story, it really depends on the space that you're in. Are you prepared to manage your mind around this? Have you explored this? What is the reaction? What is the emotion that comes up when you hear the story? And you say, Oh, my God, if that happened, and then that might happen to me. So these are just things to be aware of. Now, if it's new to you, and if you hear it, and you suddenly go, Whoa, I had a really powerful reaction, right? So the message that I shared with you she does, it really bothers me now bothers me is two things, it's not the words that someone else use the bother us, it is the way we manage our mind around those words. It is what we make those words mean to ourself. So on the one hand, if you notice that your emotions really go off, when you hear one of these stories, that's really something awesome for you to explore. It's just like a little indication that I need some more healing here, I may need some more awareness here, there's still a lot of fear, existing right under the surface. And when someone brings up certain words, my fear, it comes up, and it's not good, I don't feel good about it. So it is really something that is a great opportunity for us to explore. But that doesn't mean that in the moment, when someone's talking to you want to stay there in that space, and dig into it, and God only knows, you know, you're gonna end up in tears, you might be a hot melting mess in a matter of minutes. And you know, no one likes that. So, really noticing your reaction. And if you have more work to do there, and reminding yourself in that moment, that's not my story.

16:55
Right? Someone else's story is not my story. I was originally diagnosed in 2011 was stage to be invasive ductal carcinoma, er, PR positive, right. That's a mouthful. But I know other women who had my same diagnosis, within months of that diagnosis, who are either doing fabulous and have never had a recurrence, some who have passed, and some who are dealing with metastatic disease, but the four of them that come to mind for me, we all have different kinds of treatments, we all live a different lifestyle. So it's important to remember, their story is not your story. Their body is not your body, their treatment is not your treatment. When you hear that, remind yourself, that's a shame, that that's not my story. And then notice, if a lot of emotion comes up, okay, when I have a chance, when I'm ready to sit with myself, and dig into this and get out a pencil on a piece of paper and write down, someone told me the story of a cancer death, and I got really upset. What was I thinking what was going on there? What was coming up for me, and just begin looking at your own thoughts. So this is one way to manage it just to continue to examine what you're actually thinking and what you are making stories like that mean to you, you have complete control over that piece of it. But what we don't have control over is what people say. And that was the other part that you heard a message, right? She says, I can see when it's coming. Like she hears that she sees it. There's some kind of flag she's tuned into these people. There's some indicator, and she's like, Oh, geez, here comes the story. Right? So what can we do in that situation? What can we do when we have no control over what someone else says? We don't want to be rude. We don't want to be abrasive simply because they really don't understand. So how do we come from a place of compassion for yourself, and a place of compassion for somebody else? Who really, I think, honestly, that by sharing that. They think they're connecting with us. They think they're offering empathy to us to you. But as a survivor, I know that is not the way it comes across. That is not how we feel, right? And it's not for us to get inside of their head and try to analyze them either. So what can we do? We see it coming or we don't see it coming in it blindsides us, and this kind of a comment comes up and you're like ah, and I don't want to go any further into this. Right? They made the comment. I can't stop it. I can't take it back. But I don't want to keep going. If you're in a situation where you can excuse yourself, obviously you can excuse yourself, but can we be proactive? So this woman who messaged me, she clearly has a business where she deals with survivors. And as she said in here that sometimes she says to people I'm so sorry for your loss, but I need

20:00
To focus on staying positive. And that's great. That's a great way to handle it. But you still heard the story. So if you're in a place where you're still really having it takes a lot of energy to manage your mind around that story, how can you be proactive and set a healthy boundary ahead of time, my client said, I was thinking I could put a little something on my desk that said something like good vibes only no negative stories about cancer allowed. And that would work. Right? If people know your survivor, if you know that people around you are in the habit of sharing these stories that could work. But I asked her and I offer just what have you reframed it from saying no negative stories to saying, Please only share stories of survival and inspiration in this space. So that we're encouraging people, we're not shutting them down and saying, I'm not open to speaking about my experience. But please, let's keep these experiences positive. Let's talk about the good. Let's talk about the amazing things that maybe happened. During that time. You know, the people that came together to support like, I think about when I was first diagnosed, I got a call from my sister. And she said that my 12 year old niece and a couple of her neighborhood friends had come to my sister and said, Can we open a cupcake stand and sell cupcakes are still emotional, and, you know, 10 years later, to support Auntie Laura. I mean, come on. That's just awesome. And I know, I know, if you're listening, there's stories out there, right? People want to bring you food, people want to help people want to clean your house, people want to give you rides, people want to sit with you, all those things are beautiful. So we can encourage people to share the beautiful stories, to share the inspirational stories, because then that just reminds us that there's a lot of lovely in the world. And that's really what we want to focus on. But what if you're not in an office environment and office space where you can put up a sign like that, or as someone comes in and you introduce yourself, you can preface something a conversation with, we only share positive and inspirational stories in this space. And you're at some kind of a social gathering or a wedding or whatever, and you meet someone, you're not really in an environment where you can set that stage. And then they bring up the story. And bam, there you are, what do you do? Again, this is going to first depend on your mindset, are you able to process this conversation, have a quick conversation, excuse yourself from the conversation, and then not allow your thoughts to run away with creating a horrible story about yourself in that moment. And you may be thinking, Well, I'm not going to be telling people at a social event that I don't really know or in the place where I work that I had breast cancer, then I don't have to worry about it. And that may be very true. But sometimes people hear they hear from family, they hear from friends. And sometimes you might even be in a Facebook group where people are posting stories like this. Now in that situation, of course, you can always hide a post and you don't have to see it. Or you can leave a group if a group is not giving you the positive support that you need. But I think it's important to really see where you stand to examine yourself and understand where do you stand with this whole situation ahead of time? How do you feel about having those conversations? And if those conversations make you feel uncomfortable, kind of doing a little self coaching and a little rehearsal, if stories come up? If someone comes up to me and says, Oh, I heard you have breast cancer? Where do you feel comfortable? What kind of a response feels comfortable to you? Is it okay for you to say? Yes, I did. But I really don't like to talk about it. Can you do that and set a healthy boundary? Can you say? Yes, I did. And I tried to keep my conversations to all of the positive things I learned during that experience. Or even Yes, I did. That's true. But I'm very careful of what I discussed, because it's difficult for me to hear stories of other people who are sick or lost their life to breast cancer. So I just tried to stay positive, are their responses that are true and authentic for you, but also very quickly establish a healthy boundary. And speaking of Facebook groups and getting support, you know, I have a free Facebook group, the breast cancer recovery group. And I think it's perfectly acceptable, and actually a great conversation starter, to put something like that in any group you may belong to that says how do you handle this in a positive way, when this comes up in a public situation? Because my goodness, there's all kinds of experiences and all kinds of exposures when you come into a group with hundreds of breast cancer survivors. And again, in these groups, I think it's perfectly acceptable. And I encourage it, that when you do post a post with a question, you say, Please positive responses only. And a lot of times I hear people say why should I have to say that or I shouldn't have to say that. And wouldn't that be awesome if we all lived in the

25:00
perfect world, and we shouldn't have to say that. But we do. It's so important. And it's a great practice, to just say what you need to just tell people what you're looking for. If you don't want to hear negativity, and you don't want to hear scary things, you have the power to do that. And it's okay, you get to decide, and you get to establish your healthy boundary. So maybe you shouldn't have to say things like that maybe people should be aware of things like that. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But we know for sure that if right out the gate, you empower yourself to say, this is where I stand, and this is what I allow in, then you're you don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks, or about where other people's boundaries lie, because you have set your own boundary out there. And that's very, very important. And it feels good to, doesn't it? Wouldn't it feel better to go into any situation where you know, you're going to be exposed to new people, and those people may know of your experience may question your experience, and you don't have to walk in thinking, Geez, how many people are gonna ask me about breast cancer here? As opposed to walking in and going, you know, what, if anybody asks me, I already know, this is what I'm okay with. And this is what I will say. Right? That's so much more empowering. And you can be so much more confident when you've established that boundary. And you are good with how you feel with yourself. And that's always what it comes down to. It's okay for you to do what feels good to you. All right, my friends. Well, I hope that has helped somebody out there. And I would love love, love to hear comments or questions on this. So if you are one of my members, you know, we can talk about it in the member group. And if you are in the breast cancer recovery group, you can post about it in there, because so many of us share these common experiences, and we are stronger together when we can encourage each other. So just a quick reminder, before I go, you can go to my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash resources, and you can download for free my four pillars of breast cancer recovery, which is a video series if you're new to this podcast if you're new to me, or if you've been listening for a while and haven't checked out that series. And that even gives you a lot more information on what I call the four pillars of breast cancer recovery, along with some little action guides action sheets that you can use for your own self coaching practice to help you work through some tough spots in this space of breast cancer recovery. All right, so I will talk to you again next week. Until then take care be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well. Take care

27:52
you've hurt your courage to the test laid all your doubts

28:00
your mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures

 

Close

50% Complete

Two Step

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua.