#170 Becoming a Part of The Group Again

After a breast cancer diagnosis, many survivors grapple with feelings of isolation and alienation. The comforting embrace of fellow survivors, those who truly understand the journey, can be a profound solace.

But can we find contentment within these circles alone?

Recognizing our sense of belonging across diverse groups can alleviate the unease of feeling out of place. By refining our perspective, we can engage with various communities without the looming fear of judgment, paving the way for richer, more joyful interactions.

Read full transcript below:

0:01
This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.

0:38
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I am your host, Laura Lummer. And this show is coming out on Christmas Eve. And if you celebrate Christmas, I wish you a very, very happy and joyful Christmas Eve. You know, it's funny, as soon as I said that that is coming out on Christmas Eve, I was reminded that it was just a year ago on Christmas Eve. That was the show where I announced that I had been diagnosed with metastatic disease. And I distinctly remember because I remember debating, do I let that show come out on Christmas Eve? Is that really appropriate, right is that I don't want to bomb out everybody that listens to this podcast on Christmas Eve they hear this news. And then in my mind, I was thinking that I don't want to start off the new year with it either get liquor what our brains do to us a little insight into my brain debating on whether or not it's best to tell this audience that I have metastatic disease on Christmas Eve or New Year's EGS. Which one is best? Anyway, it just occurred to me as I was saying it's coming out on Christmas Eve that it's been an entire year. And you know, I think it's been it, I don't think it has been an amazing year. I'm just so happy to be here with you. And I want to give a huge shout out. And thank you to username w w user 2015. Thank you so much for leaving the review for the podcast. Thank you for taking the time and writing that out. And I'm so so happy to hear that it is just what you needed at this point in your journey because that means everything to me. That's why I'm here. That's why I do what I do. And here we are also coming wrapping up this holiday season getting ready to start off a brand new year. And I want to remind you that until midnight, on New Year's Eve, you can still go to the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash gift and buy a gift certificate to be part of the revived membership experience. And those gift certificates can be anything from one month of membership up to a year of membership. So you have four different choices. And you can start them when you're ready. So that's the thing. Normally when I open the membership, as soon as you join, that's when your membership begins. But with these gift certificates, you can grab one now while they're available. And then you don't have to wait for revived to open. And you don't have to start immediately if you're not ready. So if you want to start on January 1, you can buy a gift certificate now and start on January 1. So remember, go there or send that link to someone who loves their survivor and tell them I want this so I can kick off the new year 2022 with coaching and support and the thought work and the self support and self compassion that can literally change this upcoming year for you. So go to the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash gift. Alright, so speaking of holiday parties, and changing your life and all the things we go through in breast cancer starting a new year. It was a really interesting experience that I had about a week or so ago that led me to doing this podcast. And based on my experience with myself and coaching other survivors, there's a top three or five really big pain points that we go through. And one of them was one that I talked about on last week's podcast was shame, you know, the shame of having breast cancer. And another one is the feeling of being isolated is the feeling of being outside and no longer understood by other people. This is something that I've heard so much. It's something I know I've said it's something I have personally felt. And it's something we wrestle a lot with as survivors, even when we're going through treatment and some of that I think, you know, going through treatment, some of it is shame. Some of it is concerned over though the way that we look and that also carries over to when we're done with treatment. You know, when we're in recovery and we're recovering from treatment, and the physical changes that we go through But there's this very distinct pain point that I often work with my clients on, which is this feeling of being an outsider, this feeling of being on the outside, because now you've had cancer, and other people don't get it. And we don't say they don't get it, in terms of they don't understand what it's like to go through chemo, they don't understand what it's like to have a mastectomy because of course they don't, how can anybody, but it goes even deeper than that. And it goes into this experience of I've looked death in the face, and I didn't like it. I want to live my life, I don't want to die. I had this thing growing inside of me that could have taken my life, I have this fear that I have to manage my mind around that this thing might come back and take my life. And the other people, we're going to call them normies. The normies in my life, don't understand that. Because on the outside, I look normal, I look healthy. And they think I'm just the same as I was before. But I know I'm not. And for that reason, I feel very outcast, very outside of the circle. I know so many of you experienced this. So what happened was I was at a Christmas party. And it was my one of my husband's clients. My husband is a business coach. And it was one of my husband's clients. And they had this lovely, lovely festive patio setup. And I was sitting out there and I was talking to a group of four other people who I had just met that night. And they were younger. They were in their early 30s. They knew who I was in terms of they knew who my husband was, and then I go okay, you're Vons wife, but they didn't know me. And they don't know my situation, that you know, I'm living with cancer. So we were sitting out there, we were having a great conversation, we were laughing, we were talking about different experiences everybody has. And I was kind of, for a moment, I just looked at this conversation at this moment. And I thought, I'm completely normal to them, right? We're just having a good time. We're just five people sitting around laughing, talking about funny stories. And having a great time. Nobody feels any differently about me, because they don't know what I'm going through. And if I said, for some reason, felt the need to say that I had cancer, then I might feel a little different, right? Because they might act a little different. They might not know how to respond to that. And they might suddenly feel concerned about what they should say what they shouldn't say how they say something. So I started to really think about that for a moment. And I started to think about how I hear these stories from the women that I work with. And later on fast forward past the party. I was doing some research on this, I was reading about this feeling of belonging as well as the feeling of being outside of the group. And I thought it was absolutely fascinating, because what I found is that this need for belonging, this desire to be a part of the group goes back to our lizard brain, it goes back to just our inherent instinct as a human animal walking on the face of this earth. Because when we needed to live each day for survival, we needed to be part of a group. And everyone in a group has responsibility in order to keep the group safe and fed and alive. And when we're sick, or someone is sick, and they can't contribute on the same level to the group. They're kind of on the outside of that group. And it's very frightening. Because in the day when we needed to be on the inside of the group just to live, if you were on the outside, if you couldn't keep up, you could get eaten, you could get attacked. So there's this real instinct inside of our brain, that being on the outside, being different, is dangerous. It's not good. It's not a good place. And I think that that's so fascinating, because we forget sometimes, you know, we're so advanced, and we're 2021 and we're high tech, everything and we forget, we are mammals. And we may have the ability to reason and we may have the gift of language and you know the art of communication and all kinds of wonderful things that we have evolved into and that we have developed to to create these very comfortable and amazing lives that we live. But at the end of the day, we are mammals. And we have lots and lots and many, many Hundreds and 1000s of years of programming in our brain, and we have instincts. But now we are living in a different world, it's an important thing to remember and recognize that my brain is trying to help me survive, which it is, it is programmed to do, right to expend as little energy as possible, and to keep me safe, and to avoid pain. And so my brain is saying, You're not safe. There's somewhere in there, even if you're consciously not aware of those thoughts, you're sick, you're different, you're on the outside, that's not safe. And so sitting with that, I think for a little bit as I was reading these articles and reading this research, and I thought, you know, that is really, really interesting, because it's this unconscious, knowing that's creating and can create a very powerful emotion, that we then start creating stories around and we run with, and then we get even more and more and more isolated. Now, another part of that was, as I was sitting there, and I was thinking that, you know, we're having great time we're talking, we're laughing. And when we say, you know, they don't understand me, they don't get it. And I know, you've heard me say, if you listen to this podcast for any period of time, of course they don't, because how could they right? I can't understand what it's like to have Ms. I can't understand what it's like to have Lou Gehrig's disease. Each disease comes with its own implications physically and emotionally. But I can understand, and this is the important part, I can understand what it's like to suffer, I can understand what it's like to hurt, I can understand what it's like to live a life that deviated from what you expected it to be. And so I want to talk about that, because I think it's so important for us, as survivors, to realize that it's okay, that everybody doesn't understand what you're going through. They don't all have to understand it. But there is a group of people who do understand. And so here's the beautiful thing. When I see survivors come together, the women, I coach, the groups, I coach, the Facebook groups, I run those women connect, because we get it, we understand what it is like to make these very difficult decisions about our human body things that we identify with our femininity with our sexuality. You know what it's like to have your breasts removed what it's like to lose your hair, if that's part of your treatment, what is like to be thrown into menopause? I mean, to just change your experience as a woman, bam, overnight. And if you're a young person diagnosed very young, like in childbearing years, and you hadn't had children yet, you have to make snap decisions. Do I want to harvest eggs? Do I want to freeze eggs, I mean, there's so many complicated a gas decisions that have to be made. And we understand it, because we've been through it. And that's why when we come together as survivors, we just feel so good. Because we connect and we understand each other immediately. And then you know what, we feel a part of the group again, we don't feel outside. But on the other side of that, we get to feel a part of the group, because even though we are survivors, even though that night, that I'm sitting there, having a drink, talking about our favorite Christmas cookies, laughing about winter snowstorm stories, I'm also a human being. And I can relate to each of those human beings. I can relate to each one of them for the similar experiences we've had in life. And it's okay. Because when I need somebody to understand my breast cancer story, I'm not going to go to someone like that. I'm going to go to someone who's had breast cancer. When I want to just connect and have fun and be light hearted with people who are at a party. That's okay, too, because they don't need to know that part of that story right now. And I don't say it from a shame or a hiding or I can't say if it had come up in conversation. And for whatever reason, I felt like oh, yeah, this came up or someone asked me I would never feel like I had to hide what was happening to me, I would never have to feel like I hide what my experience has been. But sometimes we have to remember that we exclude ourselves. If we're in a certain situation, that doesn't need to be about breast cancer.

14:59
And we start are sometimes overthinking these things. And we overthink what's happened and who needs to know what happened and who doesn't get us. And we remove ourselves from the group. And then once we've removed ourselves from the group, there's our brain again, going, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, you're outside the group, you're outside the group. And then you're saying, Yep, I don't feel like I belong. But if you don't feel like you belong, that is, because there's something you're telling yourself creating that feeling. So if I was sitting there that night, at this Christmas party laughing and having this conversation, and then I started to tell myself, you know, what, what are these kids know, I have metastatic disease, they don't know, they have no idea what I'm going through, I could have easily alienated myself from that group. But I wanted to be there in the moment, having fun, and the stories we all share were real and true and authentic stories, and none of them were being told as a shield to something else. So I think that's a very, very important part of the healing. And the getting back to life after breast cancer is realizing that everyone doesn't have to understand like really understand, in order for you to fit in, because we have such a huge spectrum of human experiences. And so for those that are closest to us, and they've also suffered, because we do not go through cancer alone, right. So those who are closest to us, they also have changed on different levels, because cancer has touched their lives, the threat of losing a loved one has touched their lives. And to these people, we can talk a little more openly about the fear that's involved, we can get each other on a different level. But I think it's very important for our own health, for our own emotional well being, and for our own sense of connectedness, to remember that we have so many ways we can connect with other people. And when our lizard brain brings up this idea, which we'll automatically throw at you and say, well, that person doesn't get it, you're not the same as them. It's okay for you to observe that thought and say, You know what, I may not be the same as them on one level, but I have many human experiences that are similar to them as well. And the ability to connect and feel like I fit in and I'm part of this group anyway. It's okay to have people you go to just to have fun and laugh with. And it's okay that you go to other people who understand the nitty gritty of what you've been through. And you can still find that way to belong. But dang it, our brains will put up barriers all along the way, right? They'll give us all these reasons why we don't fit in why people just don't get it, why we see life differently, but nobody else does. And I'm not saying that we don't see life differently than we used to. Because I believe that many of us do. But it's when we start telling ourselves the story that the different way we see life now must be understood by everyone around us, in order for us to feel a part of the group and to feel like we still fit in with humanity, that that's the story we need to start evaluating. That's when we need to step back and look at ourselves and say, Why am I telling myself this story? How is this serving me in any way to isolate myself, and to put myself on the outside of this group. So if there's any gift I can give you for this holiday season, it is the offering that you can give yourself permission to step back into the group, that it's okay for you to be a part of the fun, and it's okay for you to be a part of the laughter. And that every day and all the time does not have to be taken up by cancer and fear of cancer, and changes from cancer and loneliness. Because of cancer. Have you want to find a group that understands what you've been through? I've got plenty of them. So come to the breast cancer recovery group on Facebook, that's a free one, join the revived membership, get some coaching, meet other women who have been through breast cancer and understand and then when you're not in that group, just be human and have some fun. And allow yourself to tell your brain to knock it off. Because you are worthy. And you are valued and you have a tremendous amount of value to give. And because of the experience you've been through. You still get to decide to develop healthier boundaries, to change the way that you express yourself to live life in a way that's more meaningful to you. The beautiful thing about that is you don't need anyone else's permission to do it. And no one else has to understand why you need that. You get to do what you need to do, and you still get to fit in and be human with everybody else. That is all I have for you today. I will talk to you again next week. And until then, Please be good to yourself. Step into the joy and have some fun

20:35
voices in your head. Courage to the test laid all your doubts your mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures given all you know you've been waiting on