Many expect that once a survivor's treatment ends, life should return to "normal". However, the emotional complexities that arise post-treatment are often deeper than anticipated.
Among these emotions, shame stands out as particularly potent. It's tied to narratives like:
In this episode, we'll delve into how such narratives and the burden of shame can hinder our journey to flourishing after cancer and offer strategies to rewrite these internal dialogues.
Read full transcript below:
0:01
This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer. Hello, friends, welcome to episode 169 of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I am your host, Laura Lummer. As always, I am very, very happy to be here it is a blessing every single time I get to record a podcast. And I'm thrilled to be able to do it today. So before I jump into today's really good topic, I'm really looking I want to I'm not excited to talk about this because actually, my heart's a little heavy to talk about it. But I'm looking forward to talking about it because I realized more and more that it's a topic that needs to be brought out of the dark and needs to be talked about. And hopefully, in doing so will help someone out there who hears it feel less alone. So before we jump into the show, I want to remind you, the show will come out on Friday, December 17. Just what is that I don't even know, Can I do the math lesson 10 days, until Christmas smack in the middle of the holidays. And you can get gift certificates to the revived membership experience. And you can also get gift certificates for private coaching sessions with me, which is the first time I've ever offered that. So go directly to where you can buy gift certificates, the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash gift and give someone that link. Give yourself the gift of coaching and transformation for 2022. Imagine just leaving behind those things that are weighing you down and creating suffering. And learning to manage your life in a different way learning to think in a different way, which will literally bring you completely different results in your life. Coaching is so amazing, and to see the growth. And the change in the women that I work with who do this work on themselves. And with me, is so rewarding. And so if you've ever thought about it, and you even wonder like, well, what is this coaching thing about come and check it out, give yourself a gift certificate for all the hard work you've done all year long. Or give that link to someone and put it on your Christmas list. The breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash gift. And you can use these gift certificates the revived membership opens and closes at different times during the year. But if you have a gift certificate, you can enroll anytime. So if you're ready to get in, and you have that gift certificate, it does not matter if enrollment is open to the public, you can use your gift certificate to get in when you're ready to start. So if you get a gift certificate on December 25, you can decide to start using on January 1 January 15, whatever is right for you. So take advantage of this offer. I think you will love it. I hope you love it. I'm excited to be able to offer it. And that is a really long commercial about gift certificate. So let's get into this show. All right. Today I want to talk about something that, you know, it was a part of my experience after my first diagnosis. And I think that the impact of it has kind of faded over the years and definitely as a result of the work that I've done on myself and the coaching that I receive and the self coaching that I do. But over the last two weeks, I would say that I have had no fewer than five coaching calls where this topic was the foundation for the suffering that my clients are going through. And for the isolation they were experiencing life literally removing themselves from life and from connection, which made them feel even more alone as a result of this specific emotion. And so I want to talk about it because I know that it is very common. And what we're talking about is shame. And I want to be very specific about that because another common emotion which these are two totally separate podcasts that come along with breast cancer often is guilt and guilt and shame are a little bit different, which is why I would like to address them separately. Guilt is typically when you say, I took an action, you know, you take an action, you've done something, and then what you did results in something you perceive as bad or hurtful or in some negative way. And so guilt is feeling bad about that action and the repercussions of an action. Whereas shame is more internal shame is, I'm a bad person, right? Shame is tied to your worth and your value. And when you're in shame, you're telling yourself a story about your own self worth. And that's why I think it's so important to address shame, and how that plays a role in recovery from breast cancer, and in living the life that you want to live.
5:59
So I want to talk specifically about two ways in which shame shows up, and has an impact on our lives after breast cancer, and has an impact on the way that we are able to or not able to move forward in our healing in our recovery. And in recreating the life we want to live after breast cancer. One of those ways is that we tell ourselves this story, that this is not who I am. And the second way is we tell ourselves, I am less of a person. Now, I am not as good as I used to be. And both of these thoughts really bring up a lot of shame. They bring up other things as well. But today, we're specifically talking about shame. And I want to remind you, that these feelings, so if you're feeling shame, that emotion of shame, will also bring about a physical sensation. So the physical sensation is how do you feel shame in your body? Where do you feel it? When you think a thought that brings up an emotion of shame? Where do you feel that shame, and really notice that this is an important part, because I want you to understand how powerful that thought is. And not only that, it's going to bring up this emotion, but that it will create this physical sensation. And I'm willing to bet 100%, that you're not going to enjoy that physical sensation, it's not going to be a comfortable sensation. So let's look at this emotion of shame. And this thought I want to dig into a little bit of this thought about this isn't who I am. And I really resonate with this. Because when I was originally diagnosed in 2011, this is something I had to deal with. It's something I had to manage. I've talked about it on other shows. But basically it was because I lived a very healthy lifestyle. And then I got diagnosed with breast cancer. And I couldn't wrap my head around this. This isn't who I am. I'm not a person who has cancer, right? It didn't fit, it didn't fit with my idea of myself. So rather than at that time allowing myself to get curious and to explore what that really meant to me. I had a tremendous amount of resistance come up. This is not who I am, right? I am a healthy person, I exercise I eat well, this is not me. And it brought up a lot of pain and a lot of struggles for a long time for me. Now, when we look at this, and we say You know, this isn't who I am. That is often tied to a lot of conditioning we have it's tied to a lot of social conditioning. For example, people say if you follow a healthy diet, then you're not going to get cancer, which is totally not true. All right, following a healthy diet, exercising regularly, having a healthy lifestyle is something you do to reduce the risk of disease, all diseases. It is not a guarantee against disease. And I think that's something very very important to remember. Because when we get diagnosed, it is not uncommon for people to start asking these questions such as well. Did you ever exercise? Did you ever smoke? Did you he eat junk food? Ask these questions that can bring up the stories in our own head of oh god I did like fire roasted Doritos or Cheetos or whatever the ones are that turned everything orange and we bring these things ever oh my god I did I smoked when I was a teenager I smoked in my 20s I'm a bad person. I did this to myself. I am ashamed I think that when someone hears of another person getting a diagnosis, and we're gonna go with the breast cancer diagnosis, because this is what we talk about, someone hears you get a diagnosis of breast cancer, it scares them. They don't want to breast cancer. So they want to kind of distanced themselves from the idea that a diagnosis is even possible for them. And I think they do that oftentimes by these questions. They want to ask questions, and make themselves feel better, by checking in and saying, Did I do the things you did? You know, did you do the things I'm doing? Am I doing things better than you because in their mind, they're saying, If I do these things better, than the chances that I get that are going to be less. And that also is not true. But I know that that's a story. You know, that is a thought process a lot of people have. And then here we are, as the survivor, hearing these questions, checking those boxes, and then saying, I did those things. What a bad person. Why did I do those things? Why didn't I take better care of myself? And now we feel shame. Right? That idea that story brings up shame. And on the flip side of that is, I did all the right things. What the heck, I did everything, right. I took good care of myself, I ate the right foods, I exercise, I reduced stress. I'm so embarrassed. How could I be the one with breast cancer? Why me? This isn't right, this isn't who I am. And then we feel very ashamed. And notice the word embarrassed, right? The feeling of embarrassment, because this, what is happening to me, doesn't match what in my brain is the picture of me, my movie of myself, doesn't match the reality of my life. And so I feel shameful about this, embarrassed as if this is a dirty secret as if I have done something wrong. And I don't want anybody to know, and I don't want to talk about it. And I can't put myself out there in the world. Because then people will ask, and then I will have to admit, I'm a bad person. Now hope that you can hear the power in that, because that's a really very powerful thought that creates some powerful results. And it is not uncommon. So there's no judgement in this, if this resonates with you, there's no judgement in this. It's something that I want to talk about, because I want to increase awareness, if that's a thought that goes into your mind and creates a feeling of shame. And that that feeling of shame ends up and results in you isolating yourself and pulling yourself away from life and love and connections and joy. I just want you to start to be able to see it. And then I want to reassure you that you are not a bad person, that there is no 100% guarantee against any disease on this planet Earth. We are biological creatures, carbon based biological creatures, living a limited lifespan. We know that already, right? That's not a big secret. We don't like to talk about it. But it's not a secret. We all know it's true. And we are susceptible to disease, to viruses, to bacteria, right to cellular malfunctions. And that's just the truth, right? That is a truth of the human experience. Human beings have accidents, human beings get sick, it's a part of life. We had to make sure that we're honest with ourselves, and that we understand that living a healthy lifestyle just means I do this because it feels good to do this. And I want to take the best care of this amazing body that I rigging love. I want to take the best care of it that I can for as long as I can. That is the point of a healthy lifestyle. And when we tell ourselves if I do this, nothing bad will ever happen to me. We are setting ourselves up for some potentially big disappointment. Because I and I'm sure you listening to this can probably look around you and see any number of people that you love or care about or just are acquainted with who do not live healthy lifestyles, and who do not have cancer. Right. So there's evidence right there. It's not always like environmental causes are a part of it. And a healthy lifestyle is a risk reduction. In being that one person who gets cancer has nothing to do with who you are, as a human being, it is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not a failure. Cancer is a disease, it is not a failure. And this is so important. Please give yourself the grace, to understand that you have not failed, and that you are still you, and that your biological body has a disease. And that's all that is. All right.
15:42
That second point that I brought up in the beginning was I am less of a person. So oftentimes, shame comes in, embarrassment comes in. Because if we look at ourselves, and we say, you know, this isn't who I am, I'm not a person that gets cancer, then we think I am less of a person, I am less of a human being. And this definitely comes into play, depending on the type of treatment that we had, the surgeries that we've had, the way our body has changed in the way that our body looks. And sometimes this can be very subtle. More often than not, I will see when someone is in this place of shame, in this place of I am less than of a person, I am not as good as the woman next to me who never had cancer, and never had her body altered by cancer. I'm not as good as her. And I want to remind you again, because this is so important that that is a story you're telling yourself. And it is so critical that you ask yourself, what is the value in that? What is the value? How does it serve you to tell yourself, this isn't who I am. Or I am less of a person. Ask yourself with all seriousness, how does this serve me? We have so many choices of the way we can think about ourselves, right? You're listening to this podcast, I doubt that you're thinking of me, Well, Laura is way less of a person because she not only had cancer, but she has cancer now. And so if she's less than me, then I'll listen to her because that will make me feel better. I really don't think that's the thought process out there. And it's definitely not the thought process in my mind. So we get to choose, are you less of a person? Or are you an incredible person who's amazing body has carried you through a cancer diagnosis and treatment and is now healing and still providing you this amazing vehicle to create a life and live a life on this planet, any life that you want, that you choose. So can you see how the different way you choose to think about yourself is going to bring up these feelings. So if you tell yourself, you're less of a person, and it brings up shame, I want you to ask yourself, How does shame show up in your life? And when you see that, and you see how shame shows up, ask yourself, Oh, dang, is that the result that I want? Is how I want to live? Do I want to be this person who's ashamed of myself? Now, the really important thing here, and the great news is that you get to change the way you think about that, that if this resonates with you, and you notice, Oh, wow. I do feel that way about myself. I do feel like I no longer am the person I thought I was because I got cancer. If you do feel like I'm less of a person, and I'm not worthy, because I got cancer. And maybe now because I have cancer, I don't have breasts. I don't have natural breasts. I have brain fog. I have joint pain, I'm less of a person. Once you become aware of those thought patterns, the very good news is you can change them. It takes focus, it takes work. It takes time. Because you have to retrain your brain. And you have to teach yourself to choose differently, to choose a different story to tell yourself because God knows there's many stories we can tell ourselves, right? So ask yourself, Why am I choosing this one? Why am I choosing to tell myself something that doesn't serve me? And that brings up shame, every time that I think about it. And then actually let yourself answer that question. You know, when your brain brings up a question like that, when you offer yourself a question like that, take the time to actually answer it. Take the time to tell yourself why you're making that choice. And it's powerful. It's a powerful, powerful practice. So I want to leave you with this, you know, I'm not a good poetry kind of person. But I came across this book. And I know I talked about it in a previous show, I don't recall which one or what I shared out of it, is written by Phoebe garnes worthy, and it's called, and still the lotus flower blooms. And it's all these little nuggets of her wisdom. And I think it's beautiful. I read this one the other day, and I thought, this is just awesome. And it's so aligns with the way that I coach and teach my clients. And it's called the choice of love. And it says, there's a little voice in my head making up stories, pretending, lying to me, why am I believing it? Why am I my own worst energy? Why am I self sabotaging? I let go of the lies I tell myself and I release all the limiting beliefs and thoughts that do me no good. I move through this space into a state of understanding of self acceptance of self respect, self love, and self care. Each day, I have a choice of who to listen to, and which side to choose. And today, I choose love. I hope that you choose to love yourself and to stop telling yourself the stories that cause you to feel shame. That's my hope for you today. I am here for you if you need help with that you can find me at the breast cancer recovery coach.com And I hope you go there or you send somebody there to get the gift certificate for you for this holiday season so that you can join me in the revived membership experience and do this work on retraining your brain to support you and tell you the stories that do serve you and that do lead you to treating yourself with the love you deserve. All right, my friends. I will talk to you again next week and until then, Please be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well. Take your
22:10
voices in your head. You've heard your courage to the test laid all your doubts your mind is clearer than before your hardest phone wanting more your futures Give it all you know you've been waiting
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