š If thereās one emotion that shows up most often after breast cancer, itās fear.
Fear of recurrence. Fear of your body. Fear of not knowing whatās next.
And most days, itās not something people around you fully understand.
In this episode of Better Than Before Breast Cancer, Iām talking about:
⢠The invisible ways fear creeps into life after cancer
⢠Why itās normal to feel stuck in worry or panic
⢠How to gently work with fear instead of fighting it
⢠The real path to peace of mindāeven when fear doesnāt disappear entirely
š You donāt have to wait for fear to vanish before you feel good again. You just need tools to live with itāand live well.
Resources:
7 Things You Need to Know About Fear
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Full Transcript Below:
#97 The truth about living with fear.
Hello beautiful welcome to the Breast Cancer Recovery Coach podcast.
Thank you.
Iām excited about todayās topic because, as Iām sure youāre well aware, fear is a big part of going through cancer.
Itās terrifying to be diagnosed and the fear of recurrence looms large afterward so large that it can often be debilitating or even lead to depression.
So I want to talk about what fear actually is, how it plays a role in your recovery and in your life... and give you something to help you work through fear so you can live a fuller and more peaceful life.
Websterās dictionary defines fear as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Now certainly when you get a diagnosis of breast cancer thatās some in your face awareness of danger. But then as you move into recovery it becomes the belief that something may threaten your life or cause you pain at another point in time.Ā Ā
A point in the future.Ā So essentially fear stems from a belief and a belief is a thought that pops up in your head that you buy into.
You are buying into it is the part I want to focus on here.Ā
Fear is a part of our life long before we have cancer. When weāre little our parents teach us to be afraid of things that might hurt us. When weāre older and someone is mean to us and it doesnāt feel good, we become fearful of judgement and rejection...basically because it doesnāt feel good and we donāt like things that donāt feel good...makes sense to me.
But, by definition fear doesnāt feel good. Right itās defined as an unpleasant emotion. Yet we cling to it so often.Ā
An article in psychology today says fear is part instinct, part learned, and part taught and that not only can we get scared because of what we imagine could happen. But that we may be the most fearful creatures on the planet because of our ability to learn, think, and create fear in our minds.Ā
Thatās pretty powerful when you think about it...you can create fear in your own mind. But it is SO true!
One of my favorite mark twain quotes isĀ
āI've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.ā
We cause ourselves so much suffering because no one trains us to train our minds.Ā
We have unintentional thoughts that pop up out of nowhere and then before we realize what our mind is doing itās gone off on some tangent that could be a scene in one of the worstĀ and saddest hallmark movies ever made.
Thatās how we reinforce fear in our mind, and it becomes ingrained in our lives.
The obvious fear here is the fear of a cancer recurrence but there are so many others as well.
Thereās the fear of people viewing us differently, thinking of us as weak or as victims not capable of doing things that we could before cancer.
Thereās the fear of people not wanting us romantically or physically again because of the way they might think of us.
Thereās fear of making a big decision or commitment and then not living to see it through.
I could go on, but I donāt think I need to because Iāll bet your mind is already coming up with its own fears isnāt it?
Thoughts of your own worst-case scenarios bouncing around like ping pong balls in your brain.
So hereās the thing, you are most likely never going to be fearless, because fear serves a purpose in your life. There are many instances when you need to pay attention to the feeling of fear and act on it to protect yourself.Ā
The important thing is that you need to train yourself to see the difference between fear that serves you, and fear that is the product of self-doubt and imagination.
And again, even when you recognize the difference in these types of fear, the fear itself wonāt go away.Ā
It will come up when you try something new, it will come up when you have to go in for a scan or bloodwork, it will come up when you hear of someone you know getting a diagnosis or a recurrence or losing their life to breast cancer.
But hereās the thing if you are willing to look at fear head on. If you allow it to be there with you and you face it. You will take away its power.Ā You will diffuse it and it will begin to show up less and when it does show up it will be weaker.
Consider this for a moment.
Ā Would you think that real fear or imagined fear is more powerful?
Think about the fear you felt when you were diagnosed...what action did you do when you received your diagnosis? You took action right.Ā
You thought get this out of me, cut it out, radiate it, poison it...whatever path of treatment you followed was how you exercised your power to face your fear through action.
And that felt better right. I mean I know it was still scary and the actions you took werenāt things you wanted to do but it felt good to know that you were doing something to save your life and each positive result took that fear down a notch.
But now, in recovery thereās all this fear and no action. Thereās just waiting to see if your fear will come true and that does not result in feelings of power. That results in feelings of paralysis.Ā
That puts you smack in a victim mentality just like the people in the scary movies when the villain is lingering somewhere in the yard. And you're sitting there watching them hide behind the couch, yelling at them to do something, get a knife, get a bat do something!
So Iām going to give you something to do. Actually, a few things.
1-recognize all the things that you actually are taking action on.
Are you eating healthy low sugar unprocessed foods?
Are you getting regular exercise?
Are you making time for stress management?
Are you setting and honoring healthy boundaries?
Are you reducing toxic exposures in your home and in your life in general?
If you said no to any of those, now you have some action that you can take.
Get connected to your body. Be the expert on you... meaning understand how your body feels on a day to day basis. What are normal aches and pains? How does your body respond to certain foods? When you are in tune with your body and the signals it sends you feel more confident in your own health.
That way, when fears you are imagining come up, you can say to yourself, no, no Iām not buying into this, these are the things that Iām doing to take good care of myself.
There is no evidence to support that fear, itās just a story Iām telling myself and I chose to have a different story.
Each time you choose not to give power to that fear you weaken it.
You can also hone in on sensations that might be concerning. Youāll know more quickly if something feels off and then of course you speak to your doctor as soon as possible.
Thereās a health belief model that says when we see other people, we can relate to accomplish something that we want to accomplish, we strengthen our belief that we can do it too.
This comes back to the thoughts we chose to think again. So, hearing stories of long-term survivors can be empowering. I know that was something I loved seeing when I was early in my recovery.Ā
Iād meet someone who would say Iām a 25-year survivor and Iād think wow, imagine how much better treatment is now than it was 25 years ago and sheās still here. Thatās awesome and inspiring.Ā
Another action you can take is journaling. Now donāt roll your eyes and dismiss that. If you havenāt tried it...commit to it for 30 days and see how it changes you.
When you journal and you get those thoughts out on paper it is literally a release. Itās like popping a blister. Seriously. Get it out of your head and onto paper and look at the things youāre telling yourself.
And then ask what is the result those stories are creating in your life? Are they serving you? Are they making your life better?
If not, what do you want to think? What is the result you want to see in your life and how do you have to think differently to make that result happen?
When it comes to managing fear, there are a lot of misconceptions. Itās like meditation. People think that meditation means clearing your mind of all thoughts and theyāll say oh gosh my mind is so full I canāt possibly meditate.
Ā Of course, theyāll say that because you canāt tell someone with an untrained mind to sit down and not think anything. That's nuts.
Ā But you can teach someone to sit for a few minutes at a time and become aware of when their mind wanders and how to bring it back to the present moment.
And I can tell you that you will do things in spite of fear. Fear will come up; you'll recognize it and then youāll put it back in its place.
One of my empower members,Ā Mary Jo, reminds me of her favorite quote from one of my podcasts where I said sometimes you have to take fear by the hand and say come on you little shit weāre doing this anyway.
hard yourself wondering how to not have fear. Be gentle on yourself and recognize the fear, then face it, take away its power and then do your life your way regardless of the fear.
Iād like to share an excerpt of a story written by Alex Niles. He is a writer who was diagnosed with stage 4 gastric cancer when he was 30 years old.
āI realized there was no way to eliminate fear from my life entirely, and that this valid emotion was one that would build character, and teach me what I had within me, and how to act with courage.ā
I love how he says this valid emotion because it is very valid and I would hate for you to dismiss your emotion with thoughts of I shouldn't be afraid, or I should just be grateful.
You feel what you feel, and you have every right to those emotions. The question is as I said a minute ago is that emotion serving you in the way youāre thinking about it now. If not, work on changing your thoughts, not becoming emotionless.Ā
You know Iām here to support you in that journey. And if you want even more support, come and join us in the breast cancer recovery group on Facebook. This is a rapidly growing group of survivors who are all working to love a full and empowered life and to support each other along the way.Ā
Thereās nothing better than being with a group of women who truly understand your experience in a judgement free zone.Ā
If you have questions or comments about today's show or you want more direction to come and find me on Facebook Laura Lummer or on Instagram @thebreastcancerrecoverycoach
I am happy to answer your questions and support you in your recovery.
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