#60 Why We Seek Validation
& How to Stop

Truly attuning to fellow survivors' voices unveils a shared narrative: a yearning to be acknowledged, a quest for understanding, and an assertion that, amidst circumstances we didn't choose, we're doing our utmost to adapt and heal.

All too frequently, we find ourselves defending our choices, explaining our post-treatment struggles, and grappling with issues we recognize as treatment-induced, even when it seems the world remains oblivious.

But why is this acknowledgment so vital? What drives our need for external validation, and how can we cultivate an inner acceptance of our journey?

Delve into this episode as we explore the profound human need for validation. You'll not only gain insight into its significance but also engage in a transformative exercise, guiding you towards genuine self-recognition, empowering you to embrace your individual truth.

Resources:

Information on Life Interrupted

Read the full transcript:

0:01
This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.

0:38
Well, hello, and welcome to episode 60 of the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. And today, we got some really good stuff to talk about. So first of all, I want to start off with saying that there was no show last week because I didn't have a voice. And you may still hear my voice cracking a little bit as I go through this episode, but it's about 90% back to normal. I keep getting told that I should be batching podcasts so that in a situation like this, I don't miss a show. So I may have to figure out how to get that into my schedule. So it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And I talk about that a little bit. If you follow me on social media, you may have seen some posts that I've put up about breast cancer awareness month. Because on the one hand, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is so important and so vital. And on the other hand, it can be so scary and overwhelming. So for us, as survivors, to continually hear stories of sadness and death is really scary. So I think it's important that we do put a lot of focus during this month on staying really positive and forward thinking and not giving in to a lot of the fear that's out there, a lot of the sadness that's out there, even though that's a very real part of breast cancer. And being on the other side of it is also very real. And on this side of it, we've got to stay focused on those things that give us joy and strength and help us to move forward in our lives. I was having conversation with one of my revivify students recently, that's my online course. And she told me how much she appreciated that the course is focused on looking forward, and creating goals and assessing your frame of mind so that you're creating the life you want, rather than focusing on cancer and what it's taken from your life. So I think that's really important. And that's what I want to give you today. This will always be a part of our lives breast cancer, but we can allow it to breed fear and to give us stuck, or we can use what we've learned from the experience and create the lives we want. Give back support to others, and appreciate every moment we have. And that's my hope for you. So before we get started, I just want to give a quick little housekeeping here. I want you to know that if you've been thinking of joining me vivify, that it is open until October 31. And then the course will be closed until January of next year, January 2020. So if it's something you've been thinking about doing, if it's something you think will help you, then get in now it's at the lowest price will ever be and I'd love to work with you. You can find out more about the course at Laura lummer.com forward slash re vivify, that's our E vivify. So I want to share a story of something that happened to me recently, I was at a screening of the movie life interrupted, which is a documentary that tells the story of three different women and their experience with breast cancer. If you follow me on Facebook, you probably saw a post about it because it was really impactful. Now there were probably 20 to 30 breast and gynecological cancer survivors in the room. And as we watched this movie, you could just feel the energy shift. As we listened to the experiences and the emotions that these women were processing in the film.

4:13
As you watch the filmmaker documenting her own surgeries, her own chemotherapy, more surgeries, infections, and complications. And I can start to hear sniffling through the room. And there's definitely tears flowing. The scars around that room are deep, and some of them are much fresher than others. There's not just a dead silence in the room. But there's a weighted, heavily weighted, dead silence, and I can feel it just pressing down on me, you know when you feel that energy, because every one of us identifies with this movie, and many of us were reminded, including me of thoughts and struggles that we've forgotten or that we left behind.

5:00
Does over the years since treatment, and then bam, they were right back. And they were just as powerful and sickening as they had been in the first place. Absolutely amazing to me how emotional trauma can do that, how it can bring back pain that's so real, it literally feels like a punch in the gut when you reminded.

5:22
So after a moment, someone starts talking.

5:25
And we begin a really great conversation about our thoughts on the film, what they meant to us what we learned through each of our very different experiences in the room. And some great stuff was talked about. And now anytime I'm in a situation like this, the words that I hear in the room are very powerful. And I try to understand them in a way that can help me support other women to work through them. So just before the movie, we had a clinician present to us about cancer and obesity. Now, she had recently lost a lot of weight, and she was sharing her strategy and her successes with the group. And as the group engaged with her, I heard two different sides of the weight loss debate. On one side were women whose weight really wasn't affected by cancer treatment. And they just talked about how people needed to be more disciplined. And if you can't lose weight, well, you're simply overeating. And on the other side, I heard the women who were struggling to prove that they were eating well, and that they were doing all the right things and still not getting results. And I don't know if it's because I'm so sensitive to that struggle, that I could hear it and see, I could visibly see the frustration in these women, D survivors. And I could see that it wasn't getting through to the clinician as they were trying to get through to her. Fast forward a couple of days. And I'm talking to another woman who has completed her surgeries or chemo or radiation. And she's talking about how frustrated she is with the change and the blurriness in her vision, since being on Tamoxifen, and how our eye doctors treating her for dry eyes, which she does have. But she's super frustrated, because she knows is being caused by tamoxifen. And that's when I realized that the deeper issue is what wasn't being said, and what these women and what I oftentimes find myself wanting, which is to be recognized, to be acknowledged, and to be validated. These women were just saying, Hey, I'm struggling to lose weight, my vision is deteriorating, I'm struggling with fatigue, they were saying, Please acknowledge that I did not do this to myself. Sure you're treating my dry eyes. But I want you to understand and validate, it isn't my fault. To treatment did this to me, I want validation. And you know what, I get that, because I've wanted that too.

7:59
But they're looking for validation in the wrong place. They're looking for it from medical professionals that treated them, and that saved their lives, probably. But the problem with that is that doctors have done and are doing their jobs. They're eradicating the cancer from your body. And in doing their jobs, the treatment may harm your heart, or your kidneys, or your gallbladder all of the above, it may create fatty liver. And it may start on this downward spiral of pre diabetes or exacerbate diabetes that you may already have existing, these treatments might damage your vision. And that's all a trade off because it's powerful stuff and cancer is a bitch and just needs to be aggressively attacked. But when you go to your doctor and you say, hey, my vision is getting a lot worse since I started aromatase inhibitors. And they check you out and treat you for dry eyes. Or when you have a gallbladder attack that so God awfully painful. You think you're having a heart attack, and your doctor tells you to cut back on fatty foods, which you already know you're not eating. You feel so frustrated. I've been there so many freaking times. So when I had these recent experiences over the past couple of weeks, I started to think about why is that so maddening? Why is it maddening what a doctor is doing her job, which is treating the symptoms of the side effects. We still feel so frustrated that there's not recognition of why this happened in the first place.

9:37
Why do we need that validation?

9:40
Well, I came across this article titled The importance of validation by Linda subpattern, a PhD. It was published in Psych Central. And she tells us really interesting story of Oprah Winfrey's last episode of her daytime talk show and she relates how Oprah said that the one

10:00
thing, the nearly 30,000 guests she had had on her show over the course of the time it aired, all had in common was that they all sought validation. Holy cow, guys 30,000 People all wanting validation. And you know what? I get it, I get it, I get that feeling of knowing you've done all the right things, everything you were supposed to do to stay healthy. And not only did you get cancer, but now you're in menopause and your gut grows so fast. It's a physiological phenomenon that you know, you're not possibly eating enough to justify, your doctor looks at you like you're the hostess cupcake quarter, or your joints hurt and your skin is changing. And all you hear is, oh, you're getting older, and you just want to frigging scream sometimes. You want someone to say, Yeah, cancer treatment messed you up, girl. But let me help you. subpattern says in her article, that receiving validation gives us the feeling, and I quote,

11:10
what I do and what I say matters to you. You hear me? You see me, you think of me? You acknowledge my accomplishments, and you appreciate my efforts.

11:25
And she goes on to say that the lack of validation causes us to feel and I quote, what's more, because I think it's powerful stuff.

11:33
The lack of validation causes us to feel like, I don't give a damn what you say, what you want, or what you think. Who cares. You're overreacting. You're nuts.

11:47
You don't know what you're talking about.

11:52
Now, okay, I consider myself and I know that most anyone who knows me considers me to be a pretty strong person, both physically and emotionally. I am definitely a fighter before anything else.

12:06
If you were sitting in front of me right now, you see tears sliding down my cheeks totally against my will, subconsciously or unconsciously. Because there's such a deep wound there. And validation, or the lack of it. Just salts now wound, like Ouch, big time.

12:29
So what can you do? How do you keep from feeling like a little girl who wants to stomp her foot on the ground? When a weight loss coach says, well, there's somewhere that you're eating too much. And your oncologist says, well, there's no way you can lose weight when you're on medication. Or your ophthalmologist says, well, you're just getting older, while your oncologist is saying, Oh, well, as long as you're on Tamoxifen, it's proven to have a negative impact on your vision. And you just want someone to acknowledge because who the hell wants to own that they're getting old? Right? What do you do? And it could be any other scenario. It could be joint pain, it could be so many things. Because we deal with so many side effects. It could be chemo brain and someone else just saying, Yeah, well, that's what happens. I forget things all the time. And you're thinking in your head, but not like this. So what do you do? When you find yourself in that position?

13:26
You give yourself a break.

13:28
And that doesn't mean give up. It doesn't mean stop looking for an answer. If I had done that, once chemo caused all my hormones to go crazy, I'd be in pretty bad shape right now. What I mean when I say give yourself a break is be self aware. And be honest with yourself. When it comes to that self awareness. You know what you're doing, and you know what you're not doing. So give yourself credit where credit is due. That's where you put your heart, not in someone else's hands. And I know that's not easy. And that's why I'm here talking to you. And that's why I'm here to support you.

14:05
If you're out there floating around as a lone survivor and struggling through feeling dismissed and misunderstood, you need a community whether that's my community or someone else's community, I don't care but I want you to find other like minded women who have the experience of breast cancer and that you can identify with to help you through this struggle.

14:27
What am I favorite authors and motivational speakers is Rachel Hollis. She's the author of girl wash your face girl don't apologize and a bunch of other books. I think I'm pretty sure I've talked about her before on the show. And what I love about this woman is that she subscribes to the very same philosophy that I subscribe to in my life.

14:49
You are the only one living your life. You are the only one who knows what you've experienced, what you've tried, where you failed, where

15:00
You've been successful.

15:02
This is your journey. And no one can hold you back or invalidate you, unless you let them.

15:11
If you walk out of the doctor's office crying because you didn't get the validation you wanted, or needed, curl, you just gave away some of your power. And I'm guilty of having done that, oh my God, so many times, having done that, and having to catch myself, and having to correct the path that I'm on. Because I've fallen into that trap. And I know how shitty it feels. As breast cancer survivors, we're not only facing the common mental BS that most females do. Like, I'm not pretty enough. My hair's not thick enough. I'm not young enough. Am I taking care of everybody properly, and on and on or not?

15:53
So dealing with recovering from a near death, life altering experience.

16:01
And taking all that into consideration, I want you to ask yourself,

16:05
What the hell do you care if that doctor or your mother, or your neighbor thinks you're eating too many cupcakes, or you didn't drink enough water? Or you didn't eat enough vegetables, or whatever the hell else for that matter?

16:21
Now, I know that sounds sarcastic. But here's some real actionable steps I want you to take if you catch yourself struggling with that need for validation.

16:32
One, get an actual paper and pen or pencil and start writing out all the answers to why is it important to me that this person thinks what I want them to think?

16:49
There, there's a problem solving technique. That's called the Five why's. And the theory is that if you want to get to the root cause of a problem, you ask why five times? Let me give you an example.

17:04
If I said to you, why are you upset? And you said, because I feel dismissed by that doctor? Why does it bother you to feel dismissed? Because I want him to hear what I'm frustrated with? Why is it important that he hears that? Because I know I didn't do anything to cause this? Why is it important? He knows you didn't do anything to cause it? Because I'm a responsible person, and I wouldn't do something that's bad for me. Why do you need him to know that, because I don't want him to think I'm lazy.

17:36
Hmm. And now that could start a whole nother round of five why's right. But it actually does help you drill down to the very root of the problem to that very basic, that original thought that emotion, that perception of yourself. That is the root of the problem that's eating at you. And it's that awareness that will change everything. At the risk of sounding cliche, truly, the truth will actually set you free. When you drill down to the very root of your need for validation. Those tears may involuntarily come, but they're gonna open your eyes. And when they open your eyes to what that root cause is, then you can look at the truth of it. If you come down to your last wiping, I don't want him to think I'm lazy. Well, you can really look at the logic behind that thought. I mean, are you lazy? Of course not. And if you find yourself saying yeah, but I don't want him to think of it. I just want you to ask yourself, then what advice would you give to a friend if they said that to you, we tend to be so much less tolerant of ourselves, and have higher expectation of the way we're perceived, then the standard of perception that we hold others to. For me, when it comes to food and exercise, I'm very disciplined. And it's really important to me to live a healthy lifestyle. And I see that dedication to wellness as a part of who I am and how I show up in the world. So when that dedication is questioned or doubted, because of some physical perception someone else has of me hits me at a really deep level.

19:28
But if I look at it, and I'm logical about it, the truth is, I'm up at five o'clock every day so I can be in the gym at six. Right? I'm preparing food, I'm very conscious about a healthy diet. So whether or not someone else perceives that that's the truth doesn't change the fact that it is the truth. And so that's on me to come to terms with right

19:53
now that that level that issue, it's different for everyone. But as long as you know what you do

20:00
And you know what you don't do. You are all the validation that you need. And I want you to really take that to heart.

20:11
If you don't have a journal kid out there today and get a journal cuz I know that somewhere somehow you struggle with this need for validation. I see it all the time. And I know that if you can work through it, if you can apply these five why's, if you can apply this journaling exercise and get to the root of that need, it will release a lot of suffering from your life. And that's what I want to see suffering fall off by the wayside like an old snakeskin and you immured bigger and stronger for having done that work. I thank you for listening today and putting up with my raspy voice. But at least I'm glad it's back. And as we begin to wrap up this Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we're going to make sure and finish it strong. So I've got some great stuff for you next week. And I want to encourage you to go to my website, Laura lummer.com, forward slash read vivify. I'll put a link in the show notes to this episode, where I will also reference the books and articles that I talked about in this show. But take advantage of Riva five before it closes on October 31. Get in there at the lowest price and then know you're in there for life. So when it reopens with even more new stuff and more of me in there giving you live coaching, you're still going to be a part of it forever. Now, if you enjoy listening to the breast cancer recovery coach, you know what I'm going to ask, try to take a minute it would be so cool. If you would take a minute and leave a review for the show. Give an honest review, give it some stars and make it that much easier for other breast cancer survivors to find and I look forward to talking with you again next week. And until then, you know you are enough.

22:10
Be good to yourself. Courage to the test laid all your doubts.

22:19
Your mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures

22:29
Give it all you

22:32
know

22:34
you've been waiting on

22:41
this