#55 Do Relationships and Life Events Happen for a Reason?

Relationships are a double-edged sword; they can infuse life with unparalleled joy, yet at times, bring profound heartache.

Crisis moments, like a cancer diagnosis, often unveil surprising truths about our allies and deserters. And if a bond is teetering already, extreme emotional upheavals can snap it.

Is it possible that every relationship, whether fleeting or lasting, serves a unique purpose? Do events, joyous or sorrowful, unfold with an inherent reason?

In this episode, I delve into the transformative perspective on relationships offered by the charismatic Lisa Nichols. Her profound insights have been my beacon, helping navigate the tumultuous waves of guilt and melancholy accompanying evolving or dissolving relationships.

Beyond the realm of romance, these revelations resonate with any interpersonal bond—be it with colleagues, friends, or even neighbors.

For a survivor, the ordeal of cancer undeniably reshapes relationship dynamics and alters personal expectations. Dive in for invaluable insights that might illuminate your relationship journey.

Resources:

Lisa Nicols on relationships

Books:

Read the full transcript: 

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This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer. Well, hello, and welcome to episode 55 of the breast cancer recovery coach. I am your host, Laura Lummer. And today, I want to start off the show with a listener shout out for two reasons. One, because I always appreciate a listener leaving a review. And two, because this review actually sets the tone for today's show. This review is from South Parker, self Parker left this review on the iTunes store and she said love it. I listen all the time. Could you please focus on what happens when your marriage is falling apart, even before chemo? And last? Well, first of all, thank you for taking the time to leave that review self Parker, I really, really do appreciate it more than I can say, because I understand that it is an extra effort for someone to take the time to leave a review. I catch myself doing this all the time, where I have a podcast or I love, I know how important reviews are to them. And I tell myself, I'm gonna leave a review. And then a week or two weeks later, I think oh my gosh, I haven't even done it yet. So I know that it takes an effort, extra effort, and I appreciate you making that effort. But more than that, everything's even more challenging, if you're hurting. And I get that because I hear that hurt in your review. So in today's show, I am going to talk about relationships. Because when it comes down to it, everything in this life is really about relationships, right? It's our relationship with ourselves with those around us, our expectations of those relationships. These are the things that really shape our lives. And when they're all going as expected, everything's great. When things don't go well. We hear people say things to us like, well, everything happens for a reason. I'm sure that you've heard that even in relation to going through breast cancer. And when it comes to painful situations, I have found that either people find peace in this belief that everything happens for a reason. Or you hear someone say that to you. And it just pisses you off. Because why in the world would something awful and painful and tragic, have a reason to happen to you. And sometimes when people say that it can feel like they're being dismissive, or they're minimizing what you're actually going through. So I'd like to put a little spin on that idea later on in the show. And I hope that it will help you if you're someone who hates hearing that. And then it might also give you some direction if you're someone who finds peace and this idea that there's a reason for everything. I also think that it ties into relationships nicely, because I do believe that relationships have special purposes in our lives. And before I get too far into the show, let me just say I am not a relationship expert. I have zero formal training in any type of relationship counseling, other than having my own personal experience as someone who has had both family and marriage counseling before. So this show is really based on my experiences, and the things that I have found to be most helpful in developing healthy relationships and healthy boundaries in my own life. So there's this motivational personal development teacher who I love, and her name is Lisa Nichols. And if you remember the hit movie back from 2006, called The Secret which was followed up by a book also, she appeared in that documentary, and she talked about the law of abundance and attracting abundance to yourself. She's a super inspiring woman. And she has what I think is a very cool philosophy on relationships. And it's something that when I heard it really resonated with me, and so I want to share her insights on relationships with you in the show now, and I'll also share a link to the video where she talks about these three categories of relationships in the show notes for this episode, and you can find those at Laura lummer.com forward slash 55 So Lisa Nichols lays out three types of relationships. And I want you to keep in mind as you listen to this, that our lives are full of all kinds of relationships, and that many of them have lasting impacts on us. So this idea expands way beyond just romantic relationships, which is typically where our mind first goes right when we hear about being in a relationship or having a relationship. So here are the three types of relationships as Lisa Nichols teaches them. One is a lifetime relationship. And she tells us that these are the kinds of relationships that are there forever, come hell or high water, distance, time, poor decisions, whatever,

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these people are the ones you will never sever ties with. Now in my life, when I hear that I think about my children, and there's also a group of women who have been my friends for years, and some of them since I was in fifth grade, there's literally nothing I would cause me to turn my back on these people. And believe me, we've been through some very trying times, there's just a heart connection that I have with them that's so deep, that they literally are a part of me. And now some of you may be expecting, or may even say, well, that's my husband, your husband, right. And because those friends, my children have outlasted husbands, I will include my current husband in it, because he's a keeper, okay? So then their life giving relationships. These are the interactions that cause you to feel a lie worthy, inspired, and come into your life when maybe you're feeling low. Or maybe you need some direction, or you need a spark, or just someone who sees you with fresh eyes and believes in you and can give you a boost and an inspiration right when you need it. I think of these relationships in my own life, as different mentors that I've had. These are people that I've come across at times when I knew I needed something, but I didn't know what it was, I wanted to get someplace other than where I was in my life. And I did not know how to get there. And for whatever reason, this person crossed my path, or these people crossed my path. And the little nuggets of knowledge or the inspiration that I gleaned from them supported my growth, and got me to that next level. And even though these people, those relationships will always be very meaningful to me, our lives may no longer intersect, I may never see some of them again. But they'll always have a special meaning to me. And I'll know that I'm a better person for having met them that they lit a fire somewhere where I needed it to be lit. Now, there was a time not long ago that one of my sons was having a very difficult time. And I think this is that kind of relationship. He was working so hard at changing the direction of his life. And he was just dealing with a lot and things were really heavy, and they were weighing on him and he was exhausted. And then out of the blue, this relationship came into his life, a romantic relationship. And it was fast and it was intense. And standing back from the outside and knowing him as I do, I could see that it wasn't something that was going to be long term. And it did fizzle out as fast as it sparked up. And it was this short term spark that he needed. It was him being seen as the greatest gift on Earth by someone new, that helped him to see all the good he had to offer and how special he really was. And it just lit this new intense fire in him to even work harder and hang in there to finish overcoming these struggles and meet these challenges and these goals that he had set for himself and to create that life he wanted, which he did, and he did accomplish it and it was done. And so that's that kind of relationship. That's just something that you need if you're not feeling good about yourself and gives you that little boost of self esteem to get you to somewhere else. And then finally, in the third type of relationship, she teaches that there are life purpose relationships, these are the relationships that come together for hears that term for a reason, right, there's a reason for them. And that might be to have a family, raise children to start a business or to support your own personal growth. And then when that relationship has been fulfilled, the purpose of it for having come together as fulfill, the relationship begins to lose its energy. And it might even start to go really bad. Because we try to hold on to it once it's run its course and then it's no longer the relationship that it once was. Or we may not be willing to accept that so we fight really hard to change it. And in that fighting to make something what it isn't anymore, that can cause a lot of suffering. Now, I fully realize that relationships are complex and die endemic and they're entwined with finances, religious beliefs, moral and social expectations. And I am not going to solve the world's relationship problems in this 20 to 30 minute podcast. But I do think that viewing the relationships in your life through these three categories is a really good exercise to begin creating some perspective. Meaning that who is in your life, and what do they bring to the table, and who, if anyone might be missing from what you need to be brought to the table. And if you watch the video, Lisa Nichols video that I'll link to, you'll hear an exercise that she proposes. And this is an exercise in which you write down all the important relationships in your life, and which of these three areas they fit into, and why. Now, I think this is a really cool exercise. And you might be surprised at some of the insights that it brings up. It is very common that breast cancer survivors tell me they feel differently towards the relationships after their experience with cancer. And it's not surprising. I know, you've heard me talk about it in other podcasts, because you've been through a terrible trauma that other people around you can't completely identify with, this can definitely create a disconnect. Now, I think that this exercise that Lisa Nichols proposes is really helpful, in that it's a way to begin to kind of sort through why you may be having some of the feelings that you're having, and what you may need to address in your relationships to strengthen them, to close the distance in them. Or even to help you see that some relationships just don't fit into your life anymore. And that that's okay. Now, I personally have developed a practice over the course of my lifetime, where I like to work backwards from my goals. I like to look at the life I want to live the relationships I want to have in my life. And I work my way backwards to kind of examine the steps that I'm taking to make that life happen. Because without focus and intention, and honest self examination, nothing is going to change. And you're not going to create those awesome things that you really want for yourself. It takes concerted effort. Now, Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and the author of 13 things mentally strong women don't do. And one of those 13 things is they don't stay silent. When I reflect back on my previous two marriages, two divorces, at the time, when I was going through them, I always thought of myself as a good guy. Like I never did anything wrong. I was the patient one, I was the one who let things go. And I didn't feel like I really had any blame in this situation. How naive is that? Right? I was very young, because of course, every relationship takes two people. But here's where I think I personally fell into this trap. And I know a lot of women too. Because when I looked back, and I realized that my silence was just as much a part of the demise of those relationships, as was the actions of the other person. So my mission to act and to speak up while others were behaving in unacceptable ways. Still was a choice, right? It's a choice that you make, to just let things slide and I'm doing air quotes that you can't see because they never really slide stuff builds up, whether it's with your best friend or your child, or an intimate partner. So one of my other favorite lessons in Amy's book is that mentally strong women don't feel bad about reinventing themselves. The one constant that we can count on this light is that things will change. And so why shouldn't we change, of course, we can change if we find ourselves behaving in ways that don't lead to healthy, strong relationships. If we're too silent, if we're too overbearing, if we just don't feel like the same person we used to be because we've had some kind of a paradigm shift for whatever reason, it's okay. You get to reinvent yourself, if you feel like that's what you need to do to live the life you want. And if someone says, Well, that's just not like you, you know, you behave in a certain way. Like, where did that come from? Well, maybe it is like, you know, maybe that's how you feel now. If you have people in your life that don't support that, that don't support you getting a little better and a little stronger and a little more outspoken. Get some of those people and if you have people who are intimidated by your desire to grow, so they try to discourage you or hold you back. Maybe you should reevaluate those relationships. If they're near and dear relationships to you, then you can work on improving communication in those areas. But if they're not Not that close to you. Maybe letting go a little lower compartmentalizing what you share with those people who don't support you would be good options. I don't mean to say that you should only surround yourself with Yes, people, you need to have constructive feedback. It's important to have people who support you, but who feel comfortable being honest with you, as long as they're doing it in a solution oriented and supportive, constructive way, and not, let me keep you down and make you feel like crap way. Alright, there's a big difference there. But having a strong social support network is so important to successful fulfilling life. I even have a module dedicated to it in the revivify course,

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because it does take intentional work. Not only do you have to be honest with yourself about who you have in your life, and why they're there. But it's important to look at who you're attracting into your life, and what thoughts or behaviors you might need to address if the relationships you're attracting are not serving you, or not supporting you, or not making your life better or more. So I started the show also by saying that I would talk about whether or not everything happens for a reason. And I know from experience, as you do, too, that when we're faced with difficult situations, like a cancer diagnosis, or the end of a relationship, in an attempt to console us, people will often say everything happens for a reason. And like I alluded to earlier, if you're not in that place where you're ready to hear that, because you don't want to face that in the situation as as handle, you can't see that because it's just too painful right now, it can really rub you the wrong way. And yet, we can look back at many experiences in your life with hindsight and say, oh, yeah, you know, I can see that if that happened or had not happened, or I hadn't gone through that, then maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. Or I wouldn't have learned something important. I mean, you can fill in the blank. But that still doesn't make the pain of your loss, or the pain of the experience. Suck any less. Let's be honest about that. I mean, I can look back at the depths of my brother and my father. And I can see that obviously those losses impacted the way that I think or some of my approaches to life. But I sure as hell would rather have them here. And knowing that I learned something doesn't make the pain of their loss any less real. Now, obviously, having cancer has changed the course of my life dramatically. And I love what I do now. I love who I serve. But if someone came to me and said, See all this happened for a reason, Laura, wouldn't you go through it again, knowing the outcome? No, thank you. I'll take a pass on having breast cancer. Dr. Ralph Lewis, in his article, finding purpose in the face of tragedy and adversity, which was published in Psychology Today says that the good that people make from bad usually does not make the bad event worthwhile, let alone indicate that the event was cosmically intended, but it can help deal with their trauma and derive some meaning from it. Dr. Nikki Martinez in her article 10 examples of why things happen for a reason. And how you will move on says, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It is the idea that no matter how good or how painful a role they played, they taught us something that will reveal itself to us at some point. And she goes on to say that while there may be unpleasant lessons that happen, there are lessons nonetheless. And we have to be open to the pain and the difficulty to be truly open to what it is we're supposed to gain from an experience. So rather than saying that everything happens for a reason, I like to think that we can find a reason in most things, whether the situation is an adverse one or a positive one. But we have to be willing to look for that reason. And I think that takes a little bit of time. Sometimes painful things also just happen. Like you get cancer, or special relationship comes to an end. And it sucks, but you can't stay out there lost. And if you feel like that's where you're at, it's so important to find an anchor, whether that's a friend, a support group, an internal practice, or a spiritual group, or any combination of them that you find that works for you. But the bottom line is, you have to be the one to take that step to find your direction, and you have to know that you're worth now I'll share a personal story with you, my mom, okay, thank God I know my mom doesn't listen to the podcast. So I can say things like this but When I was going through treatment, my current husband, we had only been dating for a couple of months when I was diagnosed. And I went through surgery and was going into chemotherapy. And my I remember my mom saying to me, Well, do you think that Vaughn is going to stay with you through this? And I said, I guess so. I mean, I've no reason not to think that. And she said, Well, I mean, that would be a very special man, to stay with you through something as serious as this. And I said, Mum, if he's the kind of man that would leave me in one of the worst struggles I've ever had to go through in my life, I'd rather know that now. Because it's not a question of whether or not I'm good enough for him. Why would I want someone like that in my life. If someone's going to turn their back on me at this point, then they're not good enough for me. And I want you to know that you're deserving of everything that you desire. If you're asking yourself whether or not someone else finds you worthy, I encourage you to work on switching that thought to Who do you find worthy of sharing a relationship with in your very special life. And I hope that one of those little tidbits maybe give you some insight, some little nugget that might bring you a little bit of peace and help you to move forward or help you to deal with any relationship in your life that might not be everything you need it to be. I thank you so much for listening. And I want you to know, you can find me on Facebook at Laura Lummer. You can find me on Instagram as the breast cancer recovery coach. And you can always DM me with any thoughts or messages or insights you might have from a podcast you hear. If you haven't yet gone to my website, Laura lummer.com, you can go there and download my free guide care four steps to healing after breast cancer. And you can always join us in the online revivify course, where you find modules work and action sheets and videos where you can do the work to help yourself in this process of healing after breast cancer by letting go of things that are holding you back, setting up things that support you and moving forward and even in setting up good nutrition and exercise programs that support your physical healing and strength. If you haven't yet, subscribe to the breast cancer recovery coach I hope you'll hit that subscribe button now wherever it is that you listen so that you never have to miss an episode. And I'll talk to you again next week and until then, Please be good to yourself.

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You've put your courage to the test laid all your doubts your mind is clearer than before your heart is wanting more your futures given all you know you've been waiting on

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this is your