Episode Overview

When women tell me they’re tired, overwhelmed, wired at night, unsure why they’re so reactive, or struggling to stick with the habits they know support their healing, there’s almost always a deeper thread running beneath the surface.

And it’s this:

Your body doesn’t feel safe.

Not in the dramatic, physical sense…
but in the quiet, physiological way your nervous system decides whether it can soften, digest, rest, or be present in your life.

In this episode, we explore why so many breast cancer survivors stay stuck in survival mode — even long after treatment ends — and how childhood patterns, people-pleasing, holiday pressures, and the fear of conflict can keep the nervous system on high alert.

Drawing from neuroscience, real conversations inside my coaching groups, and the emotional landscape of survivorship, we talk about:

• What neuroception is and how your body senses safety

• Why stress, sleep struggles, and emotional triggers often point back to old patterns

• How the fear of judgment activates the same neural pathways as physical threat

• Why you can’t heal a body that still thinks it has to protect you

• Practical rhythms that teach your body, “You’re safe now.”

If you’re heading into the holidays already feeling stretched thin, this episode is the permission slip your body has been waiting for.

Listen now and learn how to support your nervous system, reclaim your peace, and step into a season where you don’t lose yourself trying to keep everyone else comfortable.

Resources mentioned:
• Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges
• Study on social threat activating physical danger pathways
• HRV and emotional safety research

Explore more support:

• Better Than Before Breast Cancer Life Coaching Membership: https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/lifecoaching

• Creating a Life You Love in 168 Hours a Week: https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/168-hours-sp

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🎙 Subscribe & leave a review on Apple Podcasts.

Read the full transcript:

0:00
You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills and the insights and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis if you're looking for a way to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started.

0:33
Hey there, friends, welcome to episode 439

0:37
of better than before breast cancer. I'm your host. Laura Lummer, this show comes out the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and so you probably think it's going to be a show about gratitude, which gratitude is awesome, and I hope you all have a gratitude practice. But that's not what we're going to talk about today, because there's something else that has been coming up a lot for me in my own healing practice, but also in conversations with my clients, and specifically, we had a conversation last weekend in one of my group calls. And this topic came up a lot. It feels to me, something I've become aware of is that a lot of the things that we feel or sense in our body, and we just dismiss and call stress. We just say I feel stressed, or maybe I feel overwhelmed, or we talk about the fact that we're not sleeping. And I I started thinking about this, and started talking with some women about this, and I started to really notice that there's an underlying emotion that usually doesn't get said out loud. And I think because there's a lot of thoughts attached to it, but when it comes down to it, and we look at stress in our lives, we look at stressors in our life, and the way we respond to those stressors, creating stress for ourself with those thoughts and responses. And underlying all of that, I believe is a need for safety. I think that almost everything comes back to whether or not your body feels safe. And I'm not saying safe in the dramatic physical sense, as if you're in physical danger, but I'm saying safe in the sense that, does it feel safe to let go of something? Does it feel safe enough to rest? Does it feel safe enough to digest food? Does your body feel safe enough that your brain doesn't have to rehearse every possible future catastrophe of anything that comes up now or has come up over the last 30 years in your mind, because when we don't feel safe, we don't always realize it. We think I'm just tired, I'm wired, I'm anxious, I'm on edge. Maybe I'm just wrestling with my food, procrastinating, people pleasing, or we find ourselves in these old emotional patterns that don't really make sense for our adult lives, but they made perfect sense for the child inside of us who learned these practices, thoughts and behaviors decades ago, and They're so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even realize we're thinking through the mind of a child, especially when we say we're triggered. When something triggers us right, that should be like a cue for everybody. A trigger means there's a trauma stored in you somewhere, and this, this topic of safety, has come up so clearly. And in a call last weekend with one of my groups, we were talking about childhood patterns, boundaries that we have today, and the way that we adjust ourselves to keep the peace and the underneath every one of those stories was the same truth, which was, I didn't feel safe. So when holidays come up, I think about this, especially because family, friends, obligations, we do things that we don't necessarily want to do or that we don't look forward to doing. And I'm going to talk about that here in a minute, but I just want you to give some space to this idea of allowing the body to feel safe. And again, I don't mean that in the sense that someone's going to physically harm you, but I mean it in the sense of being on alert. So this is really fascinating about how our nervous system holds on to these things that kept us on high alert, or put us on high alert, from when we were children, and we carry that in our sleep, in our digestion, in our inflammation, in our hormonal swings, in our reactions to the holidays, in the ways we brace ourselves around certain people or certain situations and how tightly we hold ourselves together. So. Of the most beautiful and challenging things that I've learned, both from my own healing and from science, is that the body's number one priority is safety. It isn't weight loss, it isn't digestion, it isn't metabolism, it isn't even sleep safety, right? Because if you don't feel safe, if you're on alert, if you're listening for every sound, if you're worried about all the things in life, your body's not going to sleep. But when it feels safe, it can be calm. So we're talking about safety as it's defined by your nervous system, which is the foundation for most of the things that we do. So there's a neuroscientist named Dr Steven Porges, and he developed the polyvagal theory. This is a theory that explains that our body is constantly scanning the world at a subconscious level for cues of safety or threats. And he called this neuroception, the nervous system's ability to detect danger without involving the thinking mind. Because you might be here in this car, I don't ever think I'm in danger. I'm not afraid, because we think we should be afraid when we're in danger. That's again, not we're talking about what the nervous system is perceiving is being on alert. So those moments when you suddenly feel on edge and you don't really know why you're like, I don't know why I feel like this. That's neuroception when someone walks into the room and your chest tightens a little bit. Neuroception when you're trying to sleep, but your mind won't turn off. Neuroception when you're at the beach or walking through a quiet trail in the woods or the mountains, and your whole body softens just without even effort, without even having a thought. That's also neuroception your body is constantly assessing. Am I safe enough to let down my guard? And if the answer is no, what happens is our digestion will slow down, our inflammation will increase our sleep will become lighter and more shallow. Our decision making can become foggy, and our body shifts into this survival physiology. And it isn't your fault. There's nothing to blame or shame yourself about. It's just understanding that this is human biology doing its job. We are not above our biology or our connection to it. So there's a very important study from 2021 that showed that people who feel unsafe emotionally has significantly lower heart rate variability called HRV, and HRV is a really powerful marker of nervous system health. The lower your HRV means the nervous system is more rigid, more reactive, less resilient. It's interesting thing, because I'll have clients that get an aura ring, and we may have had many conversations where I can detect and see in them the anxiousness or the stressfulness, and they don't think they're stressed, and I will get messages, or we'll have conversations, and they'll say to me, my aura ring was literally telling me I was stressed while I was asleep. Neuroception, friends, there was another study that found that just the perception of a social threat, not an actual threat, but just the fear of judgment or conflict, will activate the same neural pathways as physical danger. So when someone says something snippy, you anticipate a conflict, when you brace yourself for disappointment, right? When we tell ourselves, oh no, I'm gonna they're gonna let me down. When you feel responsible for keeping everyone else happy, for providing everyone else's experience in life, your body reacts as if you are being chased by a tiger, and this is why so many breast cancer survivors feel too tired to think clearly, too wired to sleep, too inflamed to heal, and they can't figure out what's wrong. It isn't that the body is broken, it's the body is doing what it was taught to do. And this came up a lot in the coaching call where we talked about childhood patterns, divorce, people pleasing and being the peacemaker, or trying to prevent other people's discomfort, and carrying these emotional loads that were way too heavy as a child, this belief that you could just manage everything perfectly and feel totally fine and okay doing it. But the truth is that you cannot heal a body that is still trying to protect itself from a world that no longer exists. The perception of the world has to shift now, one of the biggest shifts that I've made, and that I see as transformative for so many. Of my clients, is realizing we don't have to just wait to feel safe, but safety, the feeling of physiological safety, is something we can create. We do not have to wait for it. And so as adults, we it is our job to show our body it's safe with us to say, like, I've got you. And how do you do that? This looks like things like setting boundaries that you've always been too afraid to set. Why? Because you didn't feel safe doing it, saying no, when your body is telling you it needs rest, why don't we do that? Because we don't feel safe saying no to other people, because there's a fear of something, retribution, conflict, disappointment. It's listening to that tightening in your chest we talked about that lump in your throat and walking away from situations that feel energetically hostile to you, so stopping the mental rehearsals of future crises that I talked about and letting go of the old roles you took on as a child when you didn't have the agency or the awareness

11:12
to know or behave differently. So you get to look at patterns and say, This is not mine anymore, right? I release this. When you do this, your nervous system doesn't have to stay on high alert, and when your nervous system stops protecting, your body can finally begin to repair. So we talk so much about fasting and glucose and insulin, inflammation, mitochondrial health, and all of that matters, but none of that will stick when your emotional world has little fires everywhere. Women do not fall off their protocols because they're weak, because they have no willpower. They fall off their protocols because they're overwhelmed, and they're overwhelmed because their bodies have been running threat detection software for decades, even if it's unbeknownst to them, safety is the foundation that makes nutrition, rest, healing and self care possible, right? Safety feels like a deep breath, happening without effort, softening of your jaw, the absence of the feeling of urgency, right, a sense of calm or the understanding that you have nothing to prove right, eating without fear, resting without guilt, not performing for anyone because you think it's going to make them feel a certain way, but allowing yourself to feel at home with your own presence in your own self authentically exactly as you are. So you're not negotiating with yourself to get to have stillness or get to have joy, and because you get there and you feel that safety, your practice becomes teaching your body, it's allowed to let its guard down, and it will learn, even if it's been on alert for decades, even if you've never felt neurologically safe before, if You grew up in chaos, if cancer rocked your world, and every sense of stability you ever had, your nervous system can learn to feel safe, and when it does, it gives you peace. So how does this happen? Well, there are simple and evidence supported practices that help your body shift from this protection to being present, and I'm going to share a couple of them with you, and you're going to think really that simple. I've heard that before. Yes, it is that simple. But I want you to ask yourself, if you think I've heard all this, have you done it. Have you practiced it? Do you incorporate this into your lifestyle? So number one, take a daily grounded breath. When was the last time that you actually took a breath so deep your belly moved right? Your exhale was a little longer than your inhale. When we do this, when we inhale and let our belly rise when we exhale, a little longer and empty those lungs, it tells your body you're okay. It activates the vagus nerve, which is your body's safety signaler, amongst so many other things, another thing so simple, and people resist, resist, resist. This a consistent bedtime ritual. You teach your body. This is the time to rest. This is how we rest. It's okay to rest. We deserve the rest. It creates predictability, and predictability is. Something your nervous system loves. It's one of its favorite things, and this number three is a super important one. It's so simple, and I bet you it is one of the hardest things that you do, but especially during the holidays, we've got to practice this removing yourself from stressful dynamics instead of trying to manage them. So we talked about this again in the call that I was referring to, we talked about how many of us stay in situations that feel tense and draining because we don't want to upset somebody else, right? But your body feels it. Your body feels every second of it. So when you're sitting there and you're feeling tight and you're feeling tense, and we say walking on eggshells. Think about the harm that's doing to your body, and allowing yourself permission to walk away from that energy is telling your body, I've got your back. You're safe with me.

15:57
Number four, time

15:59
in nature, I've say this on blue in the face. But research not only shows that time in green and blue spaces lowers cortisol, improves HRV and reduces anxiety. But I know you know this because I know that your body tells you every time you step outside, into the trees, into nature at a park, on the sand, on the beach, it tells you, I feel safe. This feels good. This feels connected, right? And it's so important to realize that, which brings me to number five, which is naming feelings instead of trying to outrun them or shame yourself out of them, but noticing what your body is telling you, noticing and saying, I actually feel unsafe right now. On edge. I feel overwhelmed right now. I literally feel like I'm 14 again, right naming these things helps you become more aware, and it helps you to reclaim your adult self, to remember you have agency, to remember you have choices. And that takes me to number six. Let yourself be human, right? Let go of guilt, self judgment. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to prove yourself. You don't have to push through things that feel uncomfortable and exhaustive. All of that signals danger to your nervous system. Giving yourself grace, showing up for yourself, and giving yourself space does the opposite for your nervous system. So it's very important to choose environments that feel good in your body so you cannot heal in a room where you feel braced and nervous and walking on eggshells you cannot digest while there are conversations that have you clenching your jaw and feeling sick to your stomach, you cannot sleep restfully in a mind that is running marathons around your house. Okay? Regulation is important, aware, naming this thing, seeing what's going on, and stepping into your agency is how you regulate that nervous system. So, as I mentioned a minute ago, after cancer, we go through a lot, right and cancer treatments, the diagnosis itself, it's all scary, and your body goes through this intense survival experience, chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, scans, appointments, fear, Dread, waiting for outcomes. All of that leaves an imprint on your body. And I hear all the time women say to me, I should be fine now, but your nervous system doesn't speak English. It doesn't have a master's degree in logic. It speaks sensation, memory, patterns and the feeling of protection. So when you're harsh on yourself, impatient with your healing, which I am completely guilty of, your body doesn't identify with that. It's not like I get it. I totally understand why you're frustrated. What it hears is it's doing something wrong, right? I've been in that place where I was like, whoa, I'm doing all these things, and this body isn't losing weight. It's not doing what I want it to do, or people who have the thought that my body betrayed me what that's doing, those thoughts in that language that you use towards yourself, I'm so dumb. I can't do this. I have no willpower. I can't figure things out. That is like, think of it if someone outside of you was speaking to you in that way, how would you feel unsafe, attacked? That's what your body hears. It hears, I'm not safe with you. But when you decide to make time to sit with yourself and be gentle, to speak in loving and kind ways, to unwind old patterns. That leave you feeling unsafe to release roles that you once carried because you felt you needed to in order to just survive. And you step out of situations that make your shoulders like creep up to your ears, or you just decide, I'm going to breathe deeply on purpose. Right in this situation, I'm going to take a breath right now and come back here and be present. Your body hears you. That's when it hears We're safe now, right? I've got you, I'm taking care of you, and when we tell our body, I've got you, we're not going to endure this, everything starts to shift. So if you find yourself feeling tired, overwhelmed, reactive, struggling to stick with the plan you've decided that supports you in feeling the best way you can, before blaming yourself, shaming yourself, guilting yourself, I want you to give yourself permission to just pause for a moment and check in with yourself and really ask, Does my body feel safe right now? Why are you having sensations that are indicating that your body's on edge? Because you're telling yourself it has to do more than it really has the capacity to do more than you have the capacity to do, and that one question can help you so much. When you ask yourself, Does my body feel safe? And you remind yourself that you don't have to earn safety, you get to practice safety. You get to build it. You get to return to it over and over, and you get to give it to yourself every single day, because your body wants peace. It wants to be softened and rested and present. It wants to know you are here for it and you are taking care of it. You've got it. That's that sensation when we're just think of when you're totally at peace, laying in your backyard, looking at the stars, walking on the beach, going on a hike, something like that, right? That's what the body loves. It loves that feeling, and when you begin showing your body that it's safe in small ways, your healing shifts, your sleep shifts your digestion, your energy, everything shifts, including the choices that you make because you feel safer, making choices that support you okay, you cannot start to become the woman you authentically are or are meant to Be, unless you trust yourself, unless you honor yourself, and unless you lead your life with peace and not fear, that is where true healing happens. And as we step into a season that is notorious for fear, and you know, financial strain and worries, energy, obligations and lots of stories and dramas. I want to share this episode with you because I want you to find your peace and to give yourself that space to realize that when your body is triggered, it's telling you I don't feel safe and the only person responsible for providing that safety is you, and you can do it. And if you would like, help with that coaching, with that guidance, with that come to my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com and join my better than before, breast cancer metabolic health and mindset membership, where we do all the work to help all of this shift in a way that serves you, where it's safe and supported. All right. Have a wonderful kickoff to the holiday season. I hope you're out there finding some great deals, and I'll talk to you again next week.

23:59
You've put your courage to the test, laid all your doubts to rest. Your mind is clearer than before, your heart is full and wanting more, your future's at the door.

24:18
Give it all you got

24:20
no hesitating. You've been waiting all your life. This is your

24:29
moment. This is your moment.