Transcript

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You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach, I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills on the insides and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis if you're looking for a way to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started.

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Hey there, friends, welcome to episode 424

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of better than before breast cancer. With me. Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach, today, we're talking about something that I'm calling boundary phobia, and here's where that came from. Let me share a story with you. So I was in a one on one session with a client of mine, and we were talking about how hard it is for her to set boundaries with someone she loves dearly, setting boundaries overall is a challenge, but the closer that person gets to your heart, the more challenging it can be. So we're unpacking all of the thoughts, all the misunderstandings that come with making boundaries so tricky, especially when is someone close to your heart.

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As we got through this conversation, she kind of threw her hands up in the air, and she said, Ah, I have boundary phobia. I just laughed, not her, but because it was so perfectly put. And I said, Okay, so you are definitely going to hear a podcast about this, because what a powerful topic, and I want to talk about it, because she is not alone. In fact, I know many of us, including me, can relate to that feeling, and the more work we do on boundaries, the more work we see we can do on boundaries, even in my membership, in the better than before, breast cancer, metabolic health and mind coaching membership, we have a program we're working on now that's called anchored in strength, and this week's lesson is working on boundaries that empower you. So this podcast goes goes along with that lesson too. So let's talk about what the problem is when it comes to setting boundaries. Why does so much fear come up. Where do the blocks come up? Why is it so tough, especially with people that we love, because that's where most of the stories come up. When I work with anyone on anything, I try to say, let's take small steps, right? Because the smaller steps that we can take towards creating whatever change it is we want in our life, the easier it is for our brain to absorb without fighting back. And when we try to make big changes, our brain goes into resistance, and it makes it really hard. So we want to find a way to look at the changes we want to make and implement in our life and bring our brain along for the ride. We wanted support and not its resistance. So when we start with boundaries, oftentimes it's easier to set a boundary with people who are more at a distance, maybe their clients, maybe their co workers, maybe whoever, but somebody that you you are not really, really close to. So much fear doesn't come up. And once we see how empowering it can be to establish those boundaries, we can start doing the tougher work of getting closer and closer and closer in our inner circle when it comes as really close, and sometimes even when it's far away, just if we're starting implementing boundaries for the first time, we can have thoughts like, if I say no, they'll be upset, right? What if I lose that relationship? What if I establish this boundary of something they don't want? They don't want to be around me anymore. We have thoughts like, they'll think I'm selfish, they'll think I'm ungrateful, right? We can go into a lot of self judgment and just kind of reinforce the fear. We kind of jump on that train with our brain and just start going down, you know, the Netflix original horror series. But here's the thing, these fears, they're not just in your imagination. There's actually research that shows how common they are. And when I started looking into the research, it was just It's mind boggling, it's fascinating, and let me share some of it with you. So there was a study published in Parents Magazine, and it found that 77% of people accept invitations they don't even want to go to because they overestimate how hurt someone will be if they say no. So think about that. Three out of four of us are saying yes to things that drain us, not because we want to, but because of what we imagine someone else will feel. And the truth is that most of the time, the other person isn't nearly as upset as we've made them out to be, in their head, in our head. However. What if they were right? What if you had a boundary that was important to you? What if you thought I've got this I received this invitation. It doesn't serve me. Maybe I'm exhausted, maybe I'm overwhelmed, maybe I had other plans. Maybe I really wanted to do nothing on that night, because I know that the older I get the more I look forward to doing nothing. What a treat doing nothing is going to bed early, putting on my pajamas at seven o'clock at night like sometimes that's just all you have the energy for and all you want to do. And If there's someone in your life who doesn't respect that or who personalizes that right, who takes offense to you needing your own self care, then do you need to think more about that relationship? Are these the people that we want to give more than we have to give of ourselves to when that person can't honor what is a healthy boundary for us? Something to think about, right? So let's talk about some of the misconceptions that make boundary phobia even worse than it already feels. So part of why we fear boundaries so much is because of all of these myths we've been taught. Right? We have, we have so much imagination that goes into what other people might think or do or feel and and why we're responsible for that. So here's a big one, the idea that boundaries push people away, right? That boundaries was all about keeping people out, saying no, it's this big, barbed wire, electric fence around us, right? I hear this all the time, the fear that if you set a limit, You're damaging a relationship. So let me share with you a study from Stanford student affairs division that found exactly the opposite. What this study found was that clear, respectful boundaries tend to strengthen relationships because they create clarity, trust and safety when we know where we stand with each other, we can relax right when I'm working with my clients, and let's say that they are becoming aware of a behavior for someone who lives in the home with them, right a family member of theirs, and they don't like that person's behavior, and I will ask them, How long have you been in a relationship with this person? Maybe it's a child, maybe it's a spouse, maybe someone else, but let's say that it's a spouse. Let's take that and they've been in a relationship with the spouse for 20 years, and for 20 years this person has acted a certain way, and in doing that, and let's, let's throw an example out there. Let's say that this person says to their spouse all the time, this is my kitchen, get out of my way. When I'm in my kitchen, get out of my way. Well, you've trained another person that that's a boundary. You've trained another person to behave the way they behave around you when you do not have clear boundaries, you've also trained people that they can walk all over you. You've also trained people not to think about your energy or where you're at or how your day has gone. So stop and think for a moment about the way you've taught the people around you that they can behave towards you, right? This is the beauty of boundaries. So it's a standard where someone looks at it and says, Oh, she'll let me get away with murder, right? She'll let me do anything. Or, Oh, hell no, if I try that with my spouse, if I tried that with my mom, whoo, no way right. Clear boundaries help people understand where you stand and what they can expect and and how they can trust you to respond in a certain way. So another myth about boundaries is that they're selfish and mean, and honestly, I think this is one of the hardest to shake, especially if you've been raised to be the nice girl, to be the peacemaker. And I will tell you that in all the women I work with, that peacemaker is stands out a lot, right? And I don't know if it's a woman thing. I don't know if it is. I don't know where it comes from, but keeping the peace is this really fascinating myth that we think that calming other people's feelings and being the peacemaker is somehow our role. But the truth is that boundaries are about protecting your own energy and your own well being. They're not about controlling or punishing someone else. We cannot control other adults, so we can't make peace, right? If we see a let's say a parent and a child, right? So let's say our spouse and one of our kids, and even if that spouse is a ex spouse of yours, right? But let's say that there's an interaction there and you. Don't like it the way that these two people interact, it makes you feel uncomfortable. So instead of you putting a boundary in place and saying, Listen, guys, this is what I need you to do around me, or if you do this, I'm going to remove myself, because it's very uncomfortable from me. So I'm just letting you know that you do you, but I'm removing myself from this situation, right? You're setting a boundary there. When you don't set a boundary, and you think it's up to you to bring peace, and you step in and try to, well, what he really meant was this and and what he really meant was that, and you guys don't feel like this, and you know, don't know, we're trying to control and manage other people's emotions, and that is exhausting, right? It's exhausting and it doesn't work. It never works. They might stop and they might stuff their own emotions for a period of time, but they're not learning how to behave differently, and you're not learning how to protect yourself, right? You're learning how to try to stop what's making you uncomfortable, instead of stepping into your power and saying, What will I do when other people behave this way so that I feel safe? All right? So that's really where the boundary comes in. They're much more than saying no. Think about boundaries as saying yes to your needs and then actually following through on that Yes. Now here's another big step, boundaries. Live in our calendars, our habits, the choices we make when no one else is watching. This is very important, because they're as much about behavior as they are about the conversation. So think of it like this. You say I need to go to bed earlier, but every night, you keep working late or watching just one more episode. So you've told yourself, you that you have this boundary, but you haven't backed it with action. You tell a friend, I can't lend you money right now, or I can't make that meeting. I need some downtime, but then you end up sending the money a few days later because you feel bad about it, or showing up to the thing you said no to, because you tell yourself they're going to feel bad if you don't right, you undermine the very thing you're trying to protect your own sense of peace and safety because of your story about someone else. So when we think about boundaries, it isn't just the saying no, right? It isn't about I'm saying no to that person. That's my boundary. I'm honoring me. I'm saying yes to me, because I know I need this, and then I'm going to follow through, because the follow through is the glue, right? I've used a couple examples about people's kids. When we have kids and we say, okay, no, you can't do that, or because you did that, you can't do this other thing. And then five minutes later, you know what? Go ahead, do the other thing again. We show this person we're not serious that we say something, but we're not gonna back it up. So then the person, we condition them, we train them. You can push the boundaries with me, you can overstep the boundaries with me, and I will let you right. So boundaries then they just turn into suggestions. They turn into negotiations, but they don't turn into things that protect your time, your energy and your peace. So I found this study was done in 2020 it was on relational boundaries. And what this study found was that when boundaries are communicated but not consistently enforced, both people in the relationship start to feel confused, frustrated or resentful, because the person who set the boundary feels drained and maybe even taken advantage of, while the other person does not know what's okay and what's not. So let's picture it like this. A boundary without action is like locking your front door but leaving the window right next to it wide open. Okay? You've given the impression that you're protecting your space, but in reality, you're giving easy access to anything or anyone who wants to walk right through it. So here is a very important part when it comes to boundaries, this is something that we don't talk about a lot. Maybe you've never even heard of it, that before you can start setting healthy boundaries with other people, you must set them for yourself. So when you hear the word boundary, and you think about this like a line between us and them, me telling someone else what they can or can't do, what about the boundaries with you? And have you ever considered what you will allow yourself to do or not to do to yourself, an internal boundary. This is a limit that you set on the way you allow yourself to speak to yourself, to treat your body, to push yourself to neglect yourself. It's a promise that you make to stop. Up engaging in habits that hurt you, even when no one is watching. And here's the tricky part, those boundaries, they can feel really uncomfortable at first, the ones we set for ourselves, the ones that we set for other people, because holding a boundary with yourself means facing your own thoughts head on, and we don't like to do that when it comes to change. We don't often like to face our own limiting thoughts and beliefs that are leading to our suffering. It's so much easier to say, I feel this suffering because they said or did that thing, but it's so much harder to go. I feel this suffering because I'm not telling this person to stop, right? I feel this way because I'm not saying no and I'm giving what I don't even have to give. I'm running on empty, right? I'm allowing myself to be taken advantage of. That's hard, right? If you run on over commitment and self sacrifices, and you've done this for years, you're The Giving Tree, right? You just give and give and give until there's nothing left but a stump. Well, when you decide to set a boundary, or you decide that you're going to slow down, it can trigger a lot of guilt. It can trigger self judgment when you say, I'm done for the day and it's 3pm

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maybe you start judging yourself and saying I'm lazy. Maybe you eat a nourishing meal instead of grabbing whatever is easiest, and you feel like that's just too much effort, and that little inner voice says you don't deserve that. You should be doing more for someone else, besides taking this time for yourself. That's so selfish, right? This can feel super uncomfortable because you've conditioned yourself just like you conditioned everyone around you. So here's a study from the mental health center, and it found that when we don't have clear internal boundaries, when we let that inner critic run the show, it leads to higher rates of burnout, anxiety and emotional exhaustion. And it's not just uncomfortable, it's unsustainable. We can't carry on like that for until infinity and feel good about ourselves or good about our lives. And this is where I love the work of Dr Kristen Neff. She's done a tremendous amount of research. She's just like the trends that are in self compassion, because it gives us tools to hold on to boundaries with gentleness compassion. And you know, self compassion is a big deal from for me, I say it's the root of self care, self compassion. So how do we have boundaries with gentleness and self compassion instead of shame and guilt? Dr Kristen Neff gives us three different tiers here, three different elements. And she says one is, you have to treat yourself with the same care you'd offer a dear friend. This is self kindness. The second one is that you have to remember you're not alone. Everyone struggles, everyone stumbles, everyone messes things up. This is common humanity. And then finally, noticing your feelings without trying to shove them down or blow them out of proportion or ignore them. So this is the mindfulness piece, and here's an example of rolling that all together. Like, what does that even mean? What would that look like in real life? It looks something like this, when that little voice in your head that you've conditioned to put yourself last. Always says you're too much, you're overdoing right? You're You're too much, you're too loud, you're you're too in people's face. You stop and you respond with no. I am human, and I am allowed to have needs. It's okay that I have these needs and then I'm expressing them, and that's not easy, like I've said, right? We must strengthen that muscle, because being able to hold a boundary with ourselves in the quiet moments when we're alone is what gives us the strength to hold boundaries with others in the noisy, messy moments. Something that I work so much with, my people with, is creating time for themselves. I even have a course that's creating a life you love in 168 hours week. We have 168 hours a week. That doesn't sound like a lot, does it? Because it isn't a lot. And when you take 30% of those hours away because you're asleep, and then maybe you take another 40 or 50 hours because you work, what you're left with is precious. It's so precious. And so when you take something out of those precious hours and you set it aside, and you say. Right? That's when I will go to yoga. That's when I will take a walk by myself with my dog. That's when I'll go sit in the forest and just breathe and be silent. But then when no one's looking, or when someone else says, Well, I really need you to watch the baby, because I want to go on a date night with my husband mom, and then you go, all right? I was only just going to be sitting in the forest doing forest bathing anyway, right? There, you just violated your own boundary, right? And so you have to find peace with that discomfort of holding your boundary, that initial guilt or fear or I was only going to take a bubble bath. And they could really use that help. Now, if you want to, that's fine. If you hear someone else's need, you're like, oh my gosh, yes, I really want to go do that. That's very different than having a request by someone else or someone else trying to take over that time. NEW MAN really wanted to take a bubble bath, but I feel like a jerk if I say no, now you're violating your own internal boundaries. So when it comes to that initial fear or guilt or self doubt or worry, if I say no, they won't like me. If I say no, they'll feel bad. It's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. It's actually a sign that you're growing and you're doing this right, because you're able to hold that internal boundary even when it feels uncomfortable. These thoughts of, I'm letting someone down, they're going to be mad at me. They're all just stories in your head, and when you work through them, you create resilience, the resilience that you need to now set boundaries in the outside world, the world around you. So you start with you, okay, start with this simple internal boundary, maybe the way you speak to yourself, maybe the number of hours you let yourself work. I've many times worked with clients who have removed themselves from a work environment as they went through treatment, and then when they're going back into the workforce. I've asked them, like, what do you want that to look like? Do you want to go back to the same life, the same schedule you lived in when you got sick? Or do you want that to look differently? And a lot of times, people say, You know what, you're right. I don't want to work more than 25 hours a week. I don't want to work more than 30 hours a week, and then can you hold that boundary for yourself? It's so important, because when you learn to respect yourself in those moments, that is what makes it become so much easier to speak up in big public moments, because you start to feel the confidence you start to feel how good and empowering it is to honor your own boundary, and once you start practicing these healthy self boundaries, it just gets easier and easier to start implementing them with others. So when you stop letting your inner critic dictate your rules, then you have more clarity about what actually feels okay for you, right? So we've got to be aware of the inner critic, aware of the little voice, and aware of the fact that we've conditioned that voice, or people in our lives have conditioned that voice, right? Maybe our parents, our teachers, our kids, whoever taught you that they deserve everything from you before you deserve anything for yourself, and when you start to get really clear on that now, you start having the ability to communicate without guilt, because you've already given yourself permission by setting an internal boundary by saying, I won't do this to myself. I won't use these words with myself. I won't push myself beyond this barrier, whatever it might be, whether it's time or energy. So when we do that, boundaries stop feeling like walls, and they start feeling like doors that you get to decide when to open and when they're closed and who gets to come in. We don't just leave the window open for anybody to climb in. All right, so maybe you're listening and you're thinking, okay, yeah, I got boundary phobia, right? If that's you, I want to just offer you a really gentle challenge. Start with one simple boundary, not with other people with you. When you notice that internal critic come out anytime today and say, You're so clumsy, you're ridiculous, you're such a klutz, you're crazy to think that way. You're crazy to need that then I want you to set a boundary with that voice. Decide that you're not going to let that voice run your day, but you're going to honor your needs. And the more you practice that inner kindness, the more you will see that boundaries are not about losing love. They're about creating space where love can thrive. Okay, so I want to walk you through something before we wrap up today. I want to invite you to take just two minutes with me. If you're driving, keep your eyes open, stay aware. But if you're somewhere safe and you can gently close your eyes, let your. Yourself do that, and I want you to just take a deep, slow breath in and let it out, and I want you to think about the past few days. Was there a moment where your own inner voice was unkind to you, maybe criticized you for needing rest, or told you you should be doing more or questioned whether you were enough or worthy or deserving. I want you to bring that moment into my not with judgment. I just want you to notice that it came up for you, right? Oh, yeah, this, this came up for me this week, and now I want you to imagine that the person who said whatever those words were wasn't you, but someone speaking to your best friend or to your child or to someone you love very, very deeply, what would you say to that person in defense of the person you love?

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Take that same kindness and speak it back to yourself right now in your mind. So maybe it sounds like you know what? I'm human. I'm allowed to have needs. I deserve to be treated with respect, especially by myself, right? I want you to feel the difference between the first voice, the critic, and the second voice that says, I deserve this. I can have this. I am only human. Sometimes I mess up, and it's okay, right? That shift, that that internal boundary that you held and said, No, I'm not going to accept that statement made towards me, right? You hold on to that boundary, and every time you practice this, you're building that muscle that will make it much easier to set and hold more internal boundaries and more external boundaries. All right, so take another deep breath in and let it go and open your eyes whenever you're ready. All right, take this practice with you. I tell my clients all the time, and I know you've heard it, if you listen to this podcast, that our mental, emotional well being needs practice. It's just like our physical body needs to go to the gym. Our emotional body also needs the gym. It needs a practice. It needs a routine. It needs consistency. You need to keep showing up for yourself, and that's how we increase awareness of how we treat ourselves, and how we make a decision on whether or not we're going to continue to do that, and then how we're going to allow other people to treat us. And it is vital. It is vital to creating a life that you love, to understand that you deserve healthy boundaries, and it's a difficult question. I think I've talked about it on the podcast before, is that whenever you find yourself uncomfortable in an interaction with someone, that it's important to stop and say to yourself, Why am I allowing this right now? What am I allowing right now? And that's how we start to become very aware of where we might be missing boundaries, or where we might not be following through with a stated boundary with action, because it's uncomfortable and it's so important that when we do this and we increase awareness that we do it without self judgment. We just do it with curiosity. We just noticed. I just let him do that again. Ah, man, I just let her get away with that again. Why? I see there's I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I say something that will make that worse, or if I say something, they won't ever want to talk to me again, right? Just become aware. And the more aware you become, the more comfortable you're going to become with saying, Yeah, I'm not doing that anymore. Okay, today is a new day. All right, my friends, if you could use help with that. You know, you can find me at the breast cancer recovery coach.com one on one coaching, my amazing group coaching program. And here's the thing too, you know, especially with a self boundary, a lot of people who come to me for one on one coaching say, Oh, I just I don't do the group thing, but I want to offer that a group is more than that. It is really a community, a safe space where we can learn to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with like minded people, learn to be more supportive, learn to talk and express ourselves as human beings without being judged. Now, it depends on the group, right? You gotta be careful of the group you select and make sure that it is a group that is forward thinking, supportive and caring, and I can promise you that is definitely what the better than before, breast cancer, metabolic health and mindset coaching program is all about. So if you need that help, you could use that support, then set that boundary with yourself and say, I'm going to allow myself to invest my time and money in what I. I need for the support that will get me to where I want to be in this life, because you're worth it. All right, friends, I'll talk to you again next week, and until then, be good to yourself.

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You've put your courage to the test, laid all your doubts to rest. Your mind is clearer than before. Your heart is full and wanting more. Your Future's at the door.