#362 From Pleaser to Protector - Standing up for Yourself After Breast Cancer

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On this day, the 13 anniversary of my first breast cancer diagnosis,  I am reflecting on all the lessons I’ve learned about caring for myself and prioritizing my healing.

I can’t help but think about how often I’ve witnessed myself and my clients feel compelled to please others at the expense of their well-being. This tendency can lead to mistreatment or overextending yourself, even hindering your recovery and overall quality of life.

The central message of this podcast is clear: true kindness towards oneself isn't solely about accommodating others at all costs, but rather about asserting boundaries with compassion and self-respect. I want to encourage you to recognize that setting boundaries is not selfish—it's a vital component of self-care and healing.

You can cultivate resilience and foster a healthier, more sustainable recovery process by prioritizing your needs and limits.

Listen now to gain insights into the transformative power of boundaries, and learn how these principles can empower you to advocate for yourself effectively.

Let’s talk about the journey from being a people-pleaser to becoming a protector of one's well-being. Your healing journey requires nurturing and self-respect.

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0:00
You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills and the insights and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're looking for a way to create a life, that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started. Hey, there, you're listening to Episode 360. To have better than before breast cancer. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. And today, it is a very special day, a day of celebration. I am recording this on July 11, which is 13 years to the date that I got my first diagnosis of breast cancer. There are some days that we just don't forget, for me, it's the date of that first diagnosis, that second one as well. The day that I finished chemotherapy, that's a big one. And I mean, you got to reflect right when when these days come up. You can't not look back and think, wow, I've had 13 years of life since hearing those words. I have cancer and I I distinctly remember, the first day, the first time that I was diagnosed, I had gotten a call. I was at work and I had gotten a call from the doctor's office. And I think I've shared the story before that I found a lump in my breast on July 3. I was in the doctor's office on July 5, I went through the mammogram, the aisle, I think I did a mammogram and ultrasound, the biopsy. And on July 11. I got the call at work. And my doctor's assistant or whoever the front office person said you need to come in today. Can you get here this afternoon. And of course I knew what that meant. And I say please just tell me like I'm not working to somebody say I'm sorry, but we need you to come in. Right? They would not tell me over the phone. So I went there. And of course I got the diagnosis. And I feel like it was one of those movie scenes where everything just got like dull, you know, like I couldn't? Am I really hearing this? Like, as if the doctor was going wrong? Right. And in my head, I was thinking, oh my god, I'm gonna die. Because all I could think about was my brother. And hearing his diagnosis. It was the only experience I really had up until that point in my life was someone who had cancer. And I just thought, oh my god, I'm gonna die. What does this mean? This is this is this lump? Like one lump because cancer is everywhere else. Is this the only lump and it hasn't spread? I mean, I didn't know. All I knew is that when my brother found his cancer, it was everywhere. Right? He wasn't feeling good. One day, he got really sick. He went in, and it was everywhere. So I didn't know does this mean it's everywhere. And it was just really friggin scary. When I think back over how much my life has changed how much I've done, how much I've gotten to experience in 13 years, becoming a grandma in that time getting married, right moving to literally my dream place to live walking on the beach every day starting my own business, leaving my job for a long time getting a new degree, studying with nation winters, getting all kinds of certifications in this this area that I love so much getting to do what I love every single day. And I just think about man, that diagnosis was so freakin scary. But it was that diagnosis. Really, that catapulted me into the life that I live now. And that's pretty amazing. Does that mean I look at and go, Oh, thank God, I got cancer. No, no, I don't. But I can't help but acknowledge how much I've learned and changed and grown and studied. Because I did get that diagnosis. And one of the most important things that I have learned and that I think is just glaring, a glaring part of a healthy lifestyle, and something that we overlook, and I don't know, talk ourselves out of or into or whatever it is so many times that I want to talk about today, because I think it's a powerful part of a healing plan and healthy lifestyle is understanding boundaries, and just not putting up with shit. We do so much that we don't like and don't want to do for way too long. Because of stories we tell ourselves and when I say boundaries, we need to check that with ourselves. We need our own boundaries. We need to say to ourselves, I won't do this to me anymore. Right? I am done doing that to me now. This is the kind of boundary I'm talking about. And I gotta tell you, I'm going to share a story with you. Because this came up in a big way this week for me. So there's a situation in my family. And I think a lot of people have this in their family. We've got the person in the family, whoever they say, that's just the way they are. Right? And we just think I have to put up with it. Do you? Do we do that at work as well? That's just how they are this person treats me that way. I guess I just have to put up with it. Right. And it's so interesting, because here's the thing that I hear about a lot. When another person treats us in an inappropriate way, meaning that you've got your own standards, you got your own boundaries, you've got the way you like to be treated, and someone does what you perceive as a violation of that. And you're like, Whoa, that is not okay with me to be spoken to that way. Talk to you that way, treated that way, approach that way, whatever it might be for you. And here's why I see so many people's mind go to, well, I should be nicer. I should be more forgiving. You know, shouldn't I be like, am I judging them too hard? You know, shouldn't I be more understanding of that person's abusive behavior towards me? Isn't that interesting? Why do we do that? Why do we think it's us who has to be nicer? And this is what I hear? Well, I think that that must be my lesson. My lesson is to learn to be a nicer person. And I gotta tell you, out of the population of people that I serve, the women that I coach, the last thing these people need is to be nicer people, because they're the nicest people. And I would say, pretty much 100% of the time, the people that I coach and work with, they're so nice, they're so giving, they're the caretakers, they're the rock, they're the fixer, they're the I do everything for everybody. I don't want to ruffle any feathers, I don't ever want anybody to be upset. I don't want anybody to be sad. That's the people that I see all the time. And those are the same people who are saying, shouldn't I be nicer? Shouldn't I let that person step all over me because I should just be nicer to them because they're having a bad day. Right? And they chose to just be mean to me. And I want to throw something out here for you to think about. Maybe your lesson is to find your voice. Maybe your lesson is to speak up for yourself. Maybe your lesson is to understand boundaries. What Why isn't that on the table as a possibility? When it comes to self care? That's a big factor. It's not being nicer to people who take advantage of you speak to you, in an inappropriate way behave towards you in appropriate ways. How is that self care to allow more of that? How is it I should do more for others, because I see they need more or ice they need fixing. And I'm exhausted. And I've got no more energy, and I'm stressed out beyond belief. I should do more, I shouldn't think about me, I should think about them. What if the lesson is you should think about you. Or if the lesson is you should learn to take care of yourself. You should learn to love yourself and be able to love yourself without guilt, without shame, without self judgment, and be able to find your voice and state what you need, and what's not. Okay, so I said I was going to share a story. And then I went off on a tangent. So we have a situation in my family. And there's that person in the family who, in my opinion, behaves completely inappropriately and at this point, and some years ago, I made the decision that this is not okay. And this person cannot be around me and I'm totally fine with that decision.

8:58
But this week, something came up and someone else kept bringing up this person and bringing up this situation and bringing up the fact that it should be okay. Right? It should just be okay. Let's just forget about let's just be okay. But there's no indication that anything with this person has changed. In fact, there's lots of indication that the same stuff is still going on that at some point I decided this is not okay. I will not subject myself to this. I will not allow this. I won't tolerate it. I won't allow it around me. I won't subject myself to it. Period. Right. And so because that situation came up again and I was in the moment, just thinking just don't say anything. Right. Just let it go. Just let it go. Just let it go. And then I thought to myself, You know what? No, not gonna let it go. Because when Someone else is saying, you should think the way I think, because then I would feel better. And in order for you to think the way, I think you need to behave differently, and you need to allow stuff that isn't okay with you that you're not comfortable around, that doesn't make your life better. That doesn't bring more joy to your life. And you should do that, because I'll feel better if you do. Is the go to thought I should be a nicer person. They're a nicer person, are they? Are they a nicer person than you? Or are they a person who doesn't even understand the meaning of the word boundary? Are they a person who allows and tolerates inappropriate behavior, because they have a story, that they should let people be who people are, and that they should just keep being nicer, and keep letting it happen? This is so important, because it creates so much stress in our lives when we don't have healthy boundaries. And, and I want to come back to thinking about the boundary with yourself first, meaning I won't allow this, I won't do this to meet. Right. And that can be sometimes other people around you. And that is a big important part I learned through healing, right? Why am I doing stuff I don't like? Why am I doing things that make me really unhappy? Why am I telling myself it has to be this way? What am I afraid of? If I decide to change? Why am I allowing people around me that made me want to go get a bigger glass of vodka? Why am I doing this? Right? And there comes a point when you realize that's something you're doing to yourself. So when we're going through this really evolutionary point in our life, meaning you get a diagnosis of a potentially life threatening disease, and you just start rethinking life. And you start rethinking how you want your life to be. But then a lot of stories come up that tell you that you tell yourself, it can't be like that. Because I have to put up with this. And I have to do this. And I have to do that I did this, right. I did this for sure. When I was diagnosed, I was a single mom, four kids, two kids still at home. Yeah, this job is sucking life out of me every day. But I can't leave because it's got great benefits. I can't leave because of this. I can't leave because of that. But I knew that the one thing I really needed to do was leave. Right. And it took me a long time. And it was really hard. But it wasn't that there were other options. It was fear. Right? It was thinking of this is scary. I need to put up with this. This is what I was told this is what I was taught, rather than allowing myself to think what would serve me better? What would help me more? And how could I move closer to that? Right? So we do this with food, I hear this all the time, changing the way that we eat and support ourselves in the ability to move forward with our healing and our health. And we have all these stories, I can't, a lot of times, we can't. And we tell ourselves, we can't change something that's part of our healthy lifestyle because of other people in the household or other people around us. Right? I can't eat that way. Because my spouse, my kids, whoever it is that I'm living with, they don't like to eat that way. Right. And when we say though, it's really important to think about it because that saying I have a life threatening disease, changes your nutrition might save my life might lower my risk of this disease coming back. But I won't make that choice for me because someone else might not like it. Someone else may have to make different choices for themselves. And so this is again, where we have the boundaries for ourself. We've got to come back to those and say, How do I choose to treat myself? What will I not do? Will I decide at some point, I will not compromise my health, because I think it will make someone else feel more comfortable. I've had a lot of discussions over this last week. It's been pretty amazing. In my membership, we've been focusing on approaching life with a beginner's mind. And to me that means we look at life and we say, Man, I have decade's worth of stories about the way life is supposed to work the way it's supposed to be the way it's supposed to work the way people are supposed to act and so many stories about that. What if I decided to take them all off the table? And sit down and really think about what if I could just look at life? Like it's brand new? What if I could start to work past letting go of those fears and look at life like a whole new experience and ask myself how do I really want this thing to look and as we talk about this and as we've done coaching on the the fear that comes up and the limitations that come up and the labels we adhere to and the way we've told ourselves we have to be and I I'm not saying we've got to stop being the person we are. But I'm just saying, become aware of it and question it. What's really working for you? And what isn't working for you? And why are you doing it to yourself? Right? Why are you putting yourself through it, if it isn't working for you, and something that's come up a lot, and I've experienced this and everyone that I coach has experienced this, making dietary changes, then feeling left out, isolated, judged, uncomfortable, with the idea of supporting the changes you've decided are important for you to support your health and healing and to live. But you think if you outwardly say them, if you stick to them, if you stand up for them, if you're going to be in a social occasion, or you're going to be at someone else's home, and you, you stand by your belief that this is the way I'm going to nourish my body, someone else might have thoughts about you. Someone else might feel uncomfortable. This was a really interesting discussion that we had the other day is like, let's think about this question. Why is it important for someone else, let's say who's having a meal, let's say we go to Italian restaurant, and I decided to order a salad and an iced tea. But everybody else is ordering pasta and meatballs, county. And I'm like, Hey, why aren't you eating meatballs and Kiante? And I say, I'm gonna have a salad and iced tea. Come on, have some pasta, come on, have some Kiante. Okay, but I don't really want to. But then I do it anyway. Or even told myself ahead of time, I'm going to do it not because I want so there's, there's a difference. If you go out and you decide, hey, I'm going to indulge tonight, I want some positive some meatballs and Kiante. And I'm going to do it that's very different than going to a place and deciding you want to take care of yourself in a certain way. But thinking someone else is feeling uncomfortable about that. So you will compromise yourself with the thought that it's gonna make them feel better. Right? Isn't that fascinating? And a no, it comes up all the time. That's a boundary for yourself. Right? Will you say to yourself, I won't compromise the way I know, I need to nourish this body. For anybody else. If someone else is uncomfortable with me eating salad when they're eating Gorgonzola pasta, that's on them. That's their thoughts. That's their story. That's not my issue. But we make it our issue a lot. I see this all the time. I've been through it before. I've been through sending it meals where someone is questioning what I eat. And I'm just like, Dude, what are you doing? Like, why do you care what I'm eating? You know, mind your own plate?

17:42
Is the lesson to be a nicer person and say, Okay, I'll eat what I don't want to eat, if that makes you happy. Or is a lesson learned to stand up for myself from a compassionate place, learn to speak for myself, learn to honor my own boundaries. This I think, after 13 years of managing cancer in my life, after three and a half years of focusing on supporting my body's ability to heal from widespread stage four cancer, this is one of the most important things. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I allowing my brain to run stories of who I'm resenting? Or who I'm angry at? Or who said this to me? Or projecting reels of what might happen if I run into that person? Or do this or don't do this job? Or don't pick that up? Why do I let my mind run like that without taking control of it and deciding to choose something else? Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we create suffering for ourselves? Because we don't honor our own boundaries that say, I love me. I'm going to take good care of me because I love this life. And I want to live it as long as I can feeling as good as I can. And these boundaries are here. Because it's like, think about like this body is my best friend in the world. When you should protect your best friend in the world. Like I have these two girlfriends. I absolutely love them. One is allergic to everything. And the other one is her watchdog and she's there together. They do stuff together all the time. They're like sisters, and it's fascinating to watch the one watches the others like is there something in that? Is there nuts in there? Is there something in there? Are you aware she can't have that? Right? She's her best friend? Why can't we be like that with our own bodies? Right and stand up for them and and honor them. And not just our bodies in the way of eating but everything. Just treatment our bodies mean our mind, our body, our spirit. Why can't we treat everything we need to create a healthy lifestyle and live a fulfilling life of joy? As if this was our best friend in the world. And there's we wouldn't stop it anything to protect her to take care of her and to treat her well. Right? I think that is lesson number one, have your own boundaries, honor them for yourself. And when you do that, not from a place of selfishness, again, definition of selfishness is that you're doing something that's causing harm to someone else, right? self care is not selfishness, but self care. And self love is mandatory in creating a healthy lifestyle, with peace of mind. With good healthy practices, healthy boundaries are crucial, and you cannot have them with other people, if you don't have them for yourself first. So a beautiful exercise is why am I doing this to myself? Right? When you notice you don't like it when you notice you don't want it when you notice it's not working for you. Why are you allowing it for yourself. That's the important boundary work that is the game changer, my friends. And so I am so thrilled to be here during this episode, celebrating 13 years of a diagnosis that changed my life. But put me here where I get to work with this community, and serve the women in this community, and teach and empower and educate. And just like be your cheerleader, I'll be your best friend, I'll be your best friend to help you find your voice and to help you live the life you want to live. Because it's amazing when you do that. And it's amazing when I get to see women do that. If you need help with that, you come to my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com and work with me. We work at individual coaching sessions and my amazing membership that better than before breast cancer life coaching, membership, and metabolic health coaching packages to help you like really get to know that body of yours, that best friend of yours and everything that that body needs to feel good and happy and joyful. You find everything on my website. And most importantly, just thank you for listening to this podcast, supporting the work that I do. And just letting me be here is an honor to get to be here and do the show and support this community of amazing women who like I said before, are some of the most incredibly wonderful giving supportive human beings in the world. And keep that up but turn some of the towards yourself. You deserve a little bit of that goodness, a lot of that goodness. Take it on happiness is very healing. All right, my friends, I'll talk to you again soon. Until then be good to yourself.

 

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