In this episode, we're diving into a topic I know many of you have encountered but might not have a name for zero-sum thinking.
This is the belief that if you take something for yourself, you're taking it away from someone else. And let me tell you, it's a sneaky little mindset that can hold us back, especially when we're navigating the rocky waters of breast cancer recovery.
In this episode, I break down what zero-sum thinking is and why it's such a common roadblock for breast cancer survivors.
Many of us feel that asking for help or seeking support means depriving someone else of those same resources. It's a noble thought, but it's not true. Support, love, and care are not finite resources. There's more than enough to go around for everyone.
I share stories and insights on how zero-sum thinking has affected some of you and offer practical tips on shifting this mindset.
Imagine how liberating it would feel to know that reaching out for help is not only okay but beneficial for you and those around you. When you thrive, you inspire others to do the same. It's a ripple effect of positivity and healing.
Let's break free from zero-sum thinking and embrace the abundant support that's out there for every one of us. Remember, you deserve all the help and love you need to thrive on this journey. Tune in and let's start this transformative conversation together!
Referred to in this Episode:
#292 From Breast Cancer Diagnosis to Non-Profit CEO with Ashley Rath-Melton
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Read the full transcript:
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You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills and the insights and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis. If you're looking for a way to create a life, that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started. Hey, friends, you're listening to Episode 356. And I am your host, Laura Lummer. And I'm so happy that you decided to listen in today. Because we're going to be talking about something that's really important. And something that comes up a lot in my practice with my clients, something I see in friends, in my siblings, I sometimes wonder, is this a people thing? Or is this a woman thing, but I can tell you for sure that a lot of women that I know and work with go through this thought process, and it does not serve us in any way. And in fact, it undermines I think our ability to one be good to ourselves gives our give ourselves all the things that we need and deserve. And to believe that we're worthy of deserving good things. And what I'm talking about is this idea of kind of a zero sum world. Meaning that if you take advantage of something that's good for you, or if you receive something that's beneficial for you say there's something out there being offered, and you decide to take it that that somehow means you're taking it away from someone else, we have this wild mentality that there's only so much in the universe in the world, and somebody can get it and somebody can't. And the way this affects our health. And our well being is I'm gonna give you some concrete examples. One is, as a coach, I have my own practice. But I also am on a team of coaches for a nonprofit organization called rebuild a bitch. I'll link to them in the show notes for this episode, because they've got great stuff to offer to people just like you. So rebuilt a bitch was is a nonprofit organization that came together with a team of women, all of who have had some type of cancer, it's not just necessarily breast cancer. But after their diagnosis, and through their experience, they realized that a huge part of having a cancer diagnosis and going through cancer treatment is the mental and emotional impact. And they wanted to create something that gave money to other women who have had a cancer diagnosis, any type of cancer diagnosis, so that those women could take that money, and go and get mental and emotional support through coaching. So there's a team, I believe there's six of us now six different coaches on the team, because you know, everybody resonates differently with other people. And I'm one of those coaches, what rebuild the bridge does is you go to them, you fill out the application, and they grant people up to $500, and a scholarship or a grant. And they give it to you so that you can use it for mental and emotional coaching. So I have several clients that have come to me through rebuild a bit and it's been wonderful. And those clients actually have chosen to then to go on once. It's kind of like they, they got this experience this wonderful gift and realize the impact that it has and decided, wow, this is so valuable, and I think also realize their own value and decided to continue on with coaching with me even after they used up their scholarship. I think it's amazing. But I recently heard that this organization is really challenged by getting women to fill out the application. We know there's people out there and one of the most common things that I hear or comments that I see or hear from women who are looking for coaching is it's too expensive, or we're going through cancer treatment. And I'll often get emails that say, Oh, I'm spending all my money on cancer treatment, I can't afford anything else. And so there are organizations like rebuild a bitch out there that are there specifically and wanting to give money to support you because they know how important naturopathic care or mental and emotional support or just giving you a wish. I have a client that came to me from an organization called breast wishes where people with breast cancer can go to them and make a wish and they can get a certain amount of money. And so she got six months of coaching with me because that was her wish. I mean, there's such cool stuff out there. But here's the problem when we come to zero sum thinking, we don't take advantage of it. We know it's there, we see it's there, we hear it's there. We know we need it, we feel the need for more support. But we tell ourselves the story that someone else probably needs it more than me. Or if I take it, then it won't be there for someone else. And I'll give you a second example. One of the benefits of my better than before breast cancer membership is an opportunity for private 20 minute coaching sessions at different times throughout the month, we do three group coaching calls, and we have opportunities for other private calls. And I have heard from multiple clients, and they told me that they see the slots open for 20 minute sessions, but they don't want to take them from somebody else. And I am so amazed when I hear that because it's like you came to me because you knew you needed something in this membership, and what I have to offer for you part of the benefit that you're paying for that you have every right to and that you deserve, our private 20 minute sessions. But when they look at them, instead of allowing themselves to prioritize their needs, allowing themselves to take care of themselves, they look at this opportunity that's available to serve them. And they say, I'm gonna leave it for somebody else. Thinking that if they use it, someone else won't get it. And then some of these slots, some of these scholarships, some of these wishes are out there for people wanting to give them knowing the value that it offers. And they never used. I think about that story. I'm sure you have heard, you know, the story of the man who's in the flood, and he climbs up to the roof, and he says, God will save me and the helicopter comes and the boat comes, I don't know, several things come to save this man. He's like, No, God will save me and then you drowns? And then he goes to heaven and gods like, why didn't you get on the helicopter? Why didn't you get on the boat? Right? I like to think of the universe. As always, I believe this wholeheartedly. The universe, always is on our side, when we're intentional. When we're taking steps and actions towards creating or receiving in life, what we know we need, that support is available and those doors will open. I know this for sure I believe this wholeheartedly. But when those doors open, why is it so hard to receive, and it is hard for many people to receive. This is something this is one of the mindset shifts that we often work on with my clients is you may want something and you may desire something, but are you actually willing to receive it? And when it comes to receiving it, and blocking yourself from receiving something? What's your story because it always comes back to us not being willing to receive. And the zero sum thinking is a big part of that. If I take it, someone else won't get it. So this is a super important question to ask yourself. When I am coaching someone, and we're working on this my first question, when I hear something like this is, why don't you think you're worthy of it?
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What makes you think that someone else deserves something more than you? And what makes you think that if this wonderful opportunity is there for you that it's not exactly what you need at this moment. And the other person who needs whatever they need will have exactly what they need at this moment. Why are we limiting the whole universe and other people around us from allowing the support and love and benefits that are available to us? The opportunities that are available to us? Why do we allow ourselves to stay in suffering and sometimes stay being stuck? When we see the hand is being extended? And we won't take it? This is such an important thing for you to explore. If you find yourself knowing you need support in whatever area of your life you need support it and you know their support available. Why do you tell yourself you can't have it? No. Sometimes finances are an issue or they're at least a story that we tell ourselves as an issue, like talking about money after someone has a breast cancer diagnosis, I think is super important. Because we have so many stories around money. One if I have it, someone else can't instead of what I like to say to my clients as what an inspiration you can be. So you will see on my website testimonials of women who've worked with me who are saying here's how this benefited me. You'll see that on just about any website because it gives you evidence kind of credibility, right for that person. Like I actually work with real people. This isn't some kind of a scam or a sham. This is really true and these are Real people who are benefiting and in those testimonials often are what someone needs to hear, to feel comfortable. Or to understand that maybe this, here's one story and resonate with it and think that maybe this is for me as well. So when you take advantage of a offering that's out there for you, or when you decide you're, you're worth investing in yourself, instead of telling yourself the story, if I spend this money on myself, it's not going to be available for whoever else, my spouse, my kids, whoever else, my dog, and yes, I hear people who say they don't go get support for themselves, because they're choosing to allocate that money to a pet instead, well, that pet is going to be screwed, if you're not around to take care of it, right. So it's kind of like the oxygen mask theory. It's like you need to take care of yourself. So you can be there to take care of the people in the creatures that you love. So, zero sum thinking, if I have it, someone else won't translates into what a lot of breast cancer survivors, or women getting a breast cancer diagnosis also struggle from, which is this survivor's guilt. It is not at all uncommon for me to talk to someone who's had a cancer diagnosis, and does not reach out to get support, because they have a story that they're telling themselves that someone else had it worse, maybe they had a lumpectomy and radiation, maybe they only had surgery only as if that's not enough, right. But this is the story, they tell themselves, I only had to go through this. And they had to go through that. So I don't really have the right to struggle with my emotions, to sound like I'm complaining, to ask for help, because they've had it so much worse. Oh my gosh, it's mind blowing. Let me just be super clear. You have your experience, and your pain and your suffering. And your struggle is real. There's no measurement when it comes to pain, pain is pain, suffering is suffering, struggling is struggling. And people are out there who want to support you and love you, and give you whatever it is you need to move from suffering to happiness and joy and adopting more tools to help yourself live a more vibrant life. And here's the interesting thing. So I worked in a nonprofit organization for many, many years before starting my own business. And I remember hearing this presentation, because there would be you know, with a nonprofit, there's annual fundraising kind of drives. And this one vice president of fund development, gave a presentation to the staff early on in my career there. And I remember being so impressed by it. Because when you're part of a nonprofit, for the most part, there's a little bit of an expectation that you're going to participate in donating or referring donors or things of that nature, because we're on a financial spectrum in life, always right. And there are always people who are in need. And there are always people who have resources to give. And what this person said I remember her saying is those who are looking for the resources, feel uncomfortable asking, because they have a story about it being a charity being a burden, taking from the person that has the resources to give. But what it comes down to, is the person that has the resources to give is looking for a way to give, they want to support they want the right opportunity, they want to be able to give back to something that's meaningful to them. So for instance, one of the organizations that I happily donate to whenever I have the ability to do so is the metabolic Training Institute of Health, because I know how much of that organization has helped me has changed my life, and how much the knowledge that I've gleaned from them allows me to help other people to change their lives. I know the vision of that organization, and I know how meaningful that will be to anyone who hears the words you have cancer. And I want to do all that I can to support that movement. Sometimes I can afford I have the resources, sometimes I don't. But it's an honor to be able to give and I want the people on the other side if I'm able to give and part of what they do is offer scholarships for people to get help in getting naturopathic care. I want that more than anything. I want people to have the opportunity to build their team and get the support they need. So when we're looking at gifts, like a nonprofit gifting a scholarship or a grant or a wish or an opportunity to get coached and get emotional and mental support and we Don't take it. We're almost like saying to the universe like, yeah, I need this and the universe is saying here, here's the chance, here's the opportunity you're like, No, not that, though, is such an interesting dynamic I want I highly, highly, highly suggest you explore for yourself, do you have a belief that if you take something, someone else won't be able to have what they need, I believe that anyone can create or take advantage of or come up with the resources or opportunities, they need to get what they need to support themselves, I really believe that. And I know in my personal experience was to breast cancer diagnoses, there have been many things that I've had come up that I've looked at and said, I really need that working with a naturopath in the beginning of my stage four diagnosis was a big thing. And the package was very expensive. And if you would have looked at my budget, if you were an accountant, and you looked at my budget, you would have said, that's not in the budget. But I knew that I needed that. And so instead of allowing that thought to permeate, and for me to get stuck with that thought, that's not in the budget, I chose instead to think I need this, and I'm going to figure out how to come up with the resources I need in order to get this. And through the years. And I think especially since my diagnosis, and 2020. Having abundant thinking, being very intentional about manifesting, and creating what I need in my life, and believing and knowing that it's going to be there when I need it is a huge part of my whole healing plan and process, because it's afforded me so many opportunities. And I look back now at how much I've accomplished and how much I've been able to receive since October of 2020. That's contributed to my healing, that if you looked at the expense of it overall, in 2020, I would have said to you, there's no way I can come up with that. But once I decided that I need and deserve these things, and my health and my healing is everything. So of course, it's worth it. Of course, I'm worth it. I cannot tell you how many times over these years, things have fallen into place. And it's worked out for me. And it's been absolutely wonderful. And it's just reinforced my belief that everything is there when you need it. And you have to be willing to receive it. You have to be willing to work through your thoughts of what you deserve. And move past this extreme scarcity thinking that if you have what you need, someone else won't get what they need, right? zero sum, everybody loses. Because if everybody's thinking that if there's an organization out there saying, please let us give you money so that you can go and get the help you need. And everyone is thinking, Well, someone else needs it more than me, then nobody benefits and the organization. Here's another way that it inspires things. So here's the way a nonprofit works. When you offer a product or service, whatever it is you're doing in a nonprofit. And people use that and take advantage of it. And they give you testimonials on how that works. The people who have resources and are looking for ways to donate that to support other people, the nonprofit gets to show them those stories, gets to show them that evidence that this is working. And then those donors say, Oh, that's awesome. And donors aren't just private people, like other corporations and companies have all kinds of grant programs where they give to nonprofits. So what happens is when you take advantage of the gift that is out there in the universe for you, and then you receive the benefit of it, and you report back that benefit. It builds the benefit for other people. So you're not only not taking it away, you're gifting more, because now this organization can say, Look, this works, these people need it and they love it. And then donors like I will give you more so more people can have that gift. So I am a volunteer at a local hospital with a breast and gynecological cancer support group. And this is how they work also.
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So we think everything is free when it's nonprofit, right? Because we have access to it as patients we have access to different programs at hospitals, but those are all being funded on the back end by donors. So at this hospital, when I work with a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient, I report back to the program and say, This is what happened. This is the result that we got. And they're able to take that to go back to people who are looking to donate and say look at the benefits that these people are receiving. Look at how this program is helping them then the donors give them money so we can continue with the program. So again, you're not only not taking away from someone else, but you're giving me More you're creating more. When we allow the flow of abundance and graciousness and gifts in the world, it creates more, not less, there's not a limited supply of love and money there. It's everywhere. It's available all the time. But we've got to show there's a need. I'll use my own example, for my example of creating time in my calendar, right to offer 20 minute coaching sessions in which those sessions can be super powerful. It's amazing what you can accomplish in 20 minutes of coaching. But let's say that I put it out there. And if nobody took advantage of it, the message that would give to me is okay, this isn't a valuable service, I thought it was valuable, I put it out for my clients, but then they didn't take advantage of it, then I would stop offering it right now, I don't see that I do get my sessions do get filled. And so then what happens is I say, Oh, look, every time I put these sessions out, boom, they're filled in 15 minutes, I'm gonna create more sessions, this is telling me people value it, people need it. So I want to really emphasize that point. When we allow ourselves to receive, we send the message, this is meaningful and valuable. And we create more opportunity, and more gifts, and not less, it is okay to take care of yourself. It is okay to receive. In fact, it's so important. And the more you receive, then you're going to show someone else who might be thinking the same thing. It's okay and look at the benefits that she got, you know, it's okay, if I do this for myself, too. Because we have this long history. And I think maybe it goes back, I don't know, to societal conditioning, where if you allowed some kind of a charity or someone to take care of you, then you were viewed as I don't know, not good enough, not capable, something of that nature, right? It's it's 1940s mentality of it was welfare, or you were I don't know, somehow incompetent, right? We need to move past that stuff. We need to move into this more abundant and less judgmental thinking where we can look at the universe. And we can look at the world we live in. And we can say, oh my god, there are so many amazing people in the world, creating opportunities to support other people wanting to give love. If that love is in the form of money, or time, or energy, or whatever it is, that's what it is. It's a gift to you. Because we want to help each other. I want to strengthen and support each other. But you've got to work on your own thinking, of allowing yourself to receive if you know you need it, allow yourself to receive it. If you feel resistance to receiving, if you look at something you say I need that and it's mine for the taking, like I'm entitled to it, it's being offered to me, and I need it. But no, no, someone else is more important than me. Or someone else is more needy than me. Well, I think in this life, there's always going to be someone else who's more needy, right? There's always going to be we fall, wherever we fall, there's always going to be someone who has more, and someone who has less, and the balance is going to work out. Right? We can't worry about everybody else's story. But we can stop and think that if we work through our own limiting stories of scarcity, and we step into abundance and receiving that we build the energy of abundance and receiving, and we kind of validate that it's okay for others who see us stepping into that. Right. So I really wanted to address that today because it's a big deal. And when I see a community, this community that I love of these women going through this, you know, devastating experience of breast cancer. And I see so much out there so many people wanting to support or wanting to give and these women who so deserve it, and are so worthy of it. Not being willing to receive that I just want to address it, I want to impact I want to answer your questions about it. Come and find me on Facebook, come to my free Facebook group, the breast cancer recovery group, or DM me or something if you feel you're not worthy of receiving, because you are and I want to encourage that. So if this is you, if this strikes a chord with you, if this resonates with you, here's what I would suggest that you write at the top of the piece of paper, allowing myself to receive and I'd like you to write down what do you need? And then all the thoughts that come up around allowing yourself to receive it. What is the story you tell yourself if you allow Allow yourself to receive a grant from an organization that's looking to give, what's the story that you have? And then ask yourself when you see the thoughts that are stopping you. One, is that thought true. Right? Is the thought true? If someone's offering me something, and I say, Oh, I'm not going to take that because someone else needs it more than me. Could there be someone else in the world that's thinking the same thing? And you're the one that needs it more than them? Right? Is that really true? And if the thought is true, does it really serve you or anyone else in any way to think it? Does it help us to think someone else needs it more than me? And then everything goes left? Unused. And this vast chiasm of unused love is just out there. But if you're not willing to receive, and you have something you want to give, then you have to think one of them when else isn't willing to receive it? What did you want them to be willing to receive? If you're putting something out into the world? Think about and I know this has happened, right? Because it's happened to me, that you want to give to somebody like you really want to do something nice for somebody. And there's like, no, no, no, it's too much trouble. No, no, no, I don't want to be a burden. And in your heart of hearts, like team, I've really want to do something for them. But they just won't receive. What does that feel like? What is that energy? And why would you think of it differently about someone else when you're wanting to give? Then you think about it when someone else is willing to give to you? Right? Can we open the flow of love and giving because God knows we need it now. All right. I just wanted to address this. If you're in need, I know there's stuff available for you. Right? Allow yourself to receive give it some thought. And I'll talk to you again soon. Take care
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