Cancer isn't an outcome of a singular cause, nor does a single solution heal it.

The intricacies of life mirror the complexities of healing. From medications, exercise, and supplementation to stress management and relationships, every facet plays a role.

While certain relationships warm our hearts and enrich our lives, others can be draining and detrimental.

The weight these toxic relationships carry in our journey to health and recovery is profound.

Tune in to delve deeper into the effects of toxic behaviors on your well-being, and discover actionable steps to reshape your life after breast cancer.

Referred to in this episode:

Join the Better Than Before Breast Cancer Life Coaching Membership

 

 

Read Full Transcript Below:

 

0:01
This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have re engaged with life and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.

0:37
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast episode number 147.

0:45
So excited to be here for 147 episodes.

0:49
So thank you for tuning in downloading and listening to the show. It has been a great month!

0:55
This is the month that if you follow me at all, you know it is my 10 year survivor anniversary, which I am thrilled about very excited about. And normally I get I have a survivor tattoo, which is a stencil by one of my favorite artists to Banksy. And my son is my second son is a tattoo artist and he created this tattoo for me or he did this tattoo for me. And every year he adds a balloon to it every year on my survivor anniversary. But last year beginning of 2020, he moved to Colorado, and we weren't able to get the timing down to get the balloon on my anniversary. So I'm flying out there next month. And he tells me that he is designing a very special balloon because it is my 10th anniversary. And because the colors will be a little different this year, I normally get a pink balloon and this year, I'm going to have him do the colors for metastatic breast cancer, which are teal, green, and pink. So he's gonna have to put some of his creative juices together.

1:52
Anyway, what I love to do, not only just celebrating life every every day, but definitely on my survivor anniversary, and throughout that month.

2:02
So some reminders, I have open to the enrollment for the revived membership experience. And we have some amazing new members. I'm super, super excited about all the women who are reaching out for support and community and coaching in the revived membership. And if you want more information on it, go to thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/revived.

2:28
This is a membership for breast cancer survivors. And when I say breast cancer survivor, I hear a lot of confusion people as what do you consider a survivor?

2:36
So I consider a survivor. Anyone who has heard the words you have breast cancer, and is still walking and breathing on this planet.

2:44
Alright, so whatever your current status is, that is what I consider a survivor. And that's who I had in mind when I created the revived membership experience. And it is an experience where each month we go through a different area of lifestyle of what we're thinking about of struggles that we deal with. And we have coaching and Q&A and action guides. And these are more like thought journals things to help you work through your thoughts and bring them into the community and bring them into the live calls and get coaching on it's very very powerful.

3:19
The revived membership experience was kind of a baby to my Empower membership experience. The women in empower went through my 10 week coaching program Revivify. And they had to be graduates of Revivify to move into Empower, because we go through so much transformation in Revivify.

3:37
And I also wanted to create something where everybody could just start, you know, where you didn't have to make that commitment to a 10 week coaching program. And you could just start and get in and get the value of coaching and get the value of community and start understanding the tools and techniques and the skills that are needed to start taking charge of your thoughts and control of your emotions and power back over your life. And that's what Revived is all about.

4:05
So I hope you check it out. thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/revived

4:11
And then as the cherry on top, we are going to wrap up the month of July with a better than before breast cancer workshop. This workshop is open to anyone you can join it for free. There are two options you can come to the workshop for free. Or you can choose an option where you get the workshop you get a free month in Revived and you get a 30 minute coaching session with me.

4:34
So either way, whatever works for you, the better than before breast cancer workshop. I did it back in March and it was so powerful and so awesome and so transformational. So I love the title of it. We're keeping that the better than before breast cancer workshop, but I have changed up some of the things we'll be coaching on. You can find out all the details. thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/btb better than before.

5:04
Alright, that's my commercial for the day.

5:05
But I wanted to get that out there and share it with you. Because, you know, this is a really special month, I don't have Revived open all the time, because it's important to me that I get my new members in and take time with them to get to know them to get to understand what they need for support to see that bonding happen in the group and in the community and in the private Facebook page and, and just really give them love and understanding and guidance. And so I only open it periodically throughout the year. And it is open now until the end of July. And then as I said, we also have the better than before breast cancer workshop, which everyone is welcome to attend. And if you are a revived membership, a revived member, then you also get complimentary, the better than before breast cancer workshop. And all workshops and challenges that I do are free for my members.

5:56
So it's a way that I can celebrate and share the support, and, gosh, the lessons and the coaching and everything I've learned over 10 years of working with dealing with growing from and learning from others around breast cancer. So hope you join me.

6:15
All right, let's get right into this show.

6:18
So one of the things would you go to my website, well, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna keep giving away, I feel like Oprah you get a car and you get a car and you get a car, I wish they were cars.

6:28
But I also have a free video series.

6:30
And I mentioning that because I want to talk about something that you will learn in that video series, the free video series is on my website, thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com.

6:39
It's right there.

6:40
As soon as you log in, you see it on the homepage, you can download that. And what that series is, is some videos with some little bit of journaling assignments. And it's teaching you about my foundation for recovering from breast cancer, and then really just continuing to create the life you want to live.

7:04
And I call that the four pillars of breast cancer recovery.

7:09
And as I was going through my own process of healing and recovery from my first diagnosis in 2011. And then I started working in coaching with newly diagnosed breast cancer patients and then with women in the breast cancer as I became the breast cancer recovery coach during the podcast, opening programs, working with women who were finishing up treatment and recovering from treatment. And from that I could see there were these really key areas. And I took what I saw in those key areas that we work on, and just kind of put them into each of their own little pillars. And the reason I did that was just because everything can be so overwhelming when we're done with treatment, and trying to get back to life. And for me, these pillars, the four pillars of recovery, simplified a lot of things that we go through and helps kind of categorize some of the challenges. Some of the successes. Some of the things that are worth looking at, journaling about, doing some thought work on, getting some coaching on within each of those pillars within each of those areas.

8:18
The pillars are Release, Renew, Regroup, and Revive.

8:24
And you can learn all about them in the video series. If you haven't already heard me talk about them.

8:29
But today I want to touch on something that really would fall under the Regroup pillar.

8:35
Regroup is when we've come through breast cancer and we have that feeling of life is just not fitting right now. You know, life is like a jacket that's too tight, and something's not working. And you need to Regroup things we we lift this veil, right? I've talked about this before this veil of mortality, it lifts up off of eyes, we see our life we say, Okay, hold on a sec, like this is the real deal. Life is short, that's not just a cliché, it's a truth. And this can stay but this has to go. And this can stay but that has to go. And we go through the process which also touches on the other pillars of letting things go of releasing things. We go through the process of renewing ourselves, our thoughts, our physical body, and then we regroup our life. And a very important part of regrouping your life getting things to feel right is to look at what I call your champions to look in your life and ask yourself:

9:41
Who are my ride or dies?

9:43
Who are my champions?

9:45
Who are the people that when they are with me my life is better because they're in it?

9:51
And are there people in my life who are frenemies?

9:56
Are there people in my life who have toxic behaviors.?

10:00
Is there such a thing as toxic people? I'm going to talk about that in a minute.

10:03
But are there toxic people in my life? And if so, why are they there? You know, what's happening there? Are they there for some of the popular reasons? Well, I've known them forever. They've just always been there, and they've just always been like that. Are they there? Because, well, their family. You know, that's just the way it gene is. And we just put up with it. Are they there, because they're colleagues, and you have to work with these people. And you don't have the ability to remove yourself from engaging with them.

10:41
You know, I would say those are the three most popular reasons when I speak to someone, and they share with me about a person in their life, who is not only not adding to their life, but taking away draining, or just zapping the energy, just crushing their soul sometimes, and I know that sounds dramatic. But sometimes we keep people in our lives that are soul crushers. And we have to recognize that and then learn how to do something about it.

11:12
And so I want to talk a little bit about that today.

11:15
I've been thinking about this a lot, a lot. And that's because I come from a large family. I'm one of six kids, five girls. And we've always had a very close family, I was raised with the idea that belief, that's family, right? Blood is thicker than water, you always have your families back. And family is family, you don't turn away from that. And I always believed that. And even though we have a crazy dysfunctional, loud family with all kinds of issues, we've always just kind of rolled with it, right.

11:53
And none of those issues are horrendous or horrible or abusive, until a few years ago. And some behaviors did turn into what I would consider a violation of a healthy boundary.

12:09
So then, when I got diagnosed, one of the things that I do when I think about healing my body every day, what do I need to heal?

12:19
And I just I go through everything, and I go through nutrition, I go through exercise, I go through my thoughts, and I go through suppressed emotions, feelings, relationships.

12:30
And you know, I talk about healing. And I know, you know, I have cancer currently that I'm working on healing from. But when I say healing, that, you know, I think we really have to reconsider what we think of as healing, because we go through breast cancer treatment. And I think sometimes we're misguided in thinking that that treatment is healing. Right?

12:52
That that removal of the malignant cells, through chemo, through surgery, through radiation is healing.

13:00
And is that really healing?

13:02
I don't think so.

13:04
For me, that is taking care of the acute problem, the acute cellular imbalance, the result of that which may, which is most likely a tumor, and in many cases, just some malignant cells or even precancerous cells. But that's an indication that something is off, right? Something is off in your body. A cellular imbalance has been created as a result of that. There could be so many factors that influence that. But then when we're done with that treatment, in my opinion, we have to stop for a second I made this mistake, and after my my first diagnosis and treatment, and said, Okay, that's it done, healed, bam, back to normal.

13:45
And now 10 years later, and with everything I've learned, and with a second diagnosis, I know that is not the right approach.

13:54
And I know that that is the time. And that's the time that I bring you into my fold. Right. That's the time that I saw that we were underserved as survivors that we needed support. And that, that is the time to start really starting and trying to reconnect to your body in your life. That is the time to say, okay, body, we're in the safe zone here. Right? We've gone through this treatment, we've been told there's no cancer in the body right now.

14:22
But what happened? What do I need to look at here? How, why was there an opportunity for a cellular imbalance to be created in me? And now, you get a look at that, and focus on healing, healing your body, healing your life, and that's where the four pillars of breast cancer recovery come in.

14:42
And so I want to talk about normally you know, of course, if I talked about a series you'd start with one but hey, I feel like talking about the third pillar Regroup.

14:51
Because I have done so much work lately on this relationship in my family, and I really struggled with it because do not like feeling as if there's a disconnect in my family. I love my family dearly. I love the closeness of my family, I love the craziness of my family. And so to see a behavior, that is just so far overboard has been a really difficult thing to deal with.

15:21
Now, I know, and I hope you know that it is not for me to change anyone else, it's not for me to decide how someone else should behave, or someone else should act, it always comes back to me and saying, Okay, how am I going to handle the situation? What do I want to think about this? How do I want to feel about this? And what I want to feel is at peace, you know, I don't want to feel judgmental, I don't want to feel angry. But I also don't want to invite toxic behaviors into my life and that energy, right?

15:54
So I want to talk about toxic people. Are there toxic people? Or are there just toxic behaviors, and people who really need to do some work on themselves or get some support and get some help in getting clarity on themselves and their behaviors and the energy that they're putting out into the world?

16:16
So I looked up, I did a little bit of research on toxic people. And I found this definition on WebMD. And WebMD says that a toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and trauma.

16:36
And I think that's an important thing to remember.

16:39
To do this, they act in ways that don't present themselves in the best light and usually upset others along the way.

16:46
So why is this important to you as a breast cancer survivor, and as someone who needs to be looking at their life and looking at their body and asking what do I do to best support my health and my healing every single day?

17:01
Well, I'll tell you. So according to an article, the University of Minnesota negative emotions, which we just heard of toxic people causes us to have these negative emotions, right? They add negativity to our life. Negative emotions are not good for your health. This article says negative attitudes and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, which oftentimes when you were continually exposed to someone who we think of as a toxic person, or who is continually engaging in toxic behaviors, we feel helpless, we feel stuck, right?

17:37
This can create chronic stress, which upsets the body's hormone balance depletes the brain chemicals required for happiness.

17:45
How many times have you been around a person where you say, Oh, God, I'm exhausted. When I go around this person, I'm drained and I'm exhausted.

17:53
So it depletes the brain chemicals required for happiness and damages the immune system.

18:00
So why as a breast cancer survivor, is it important to Regroup your life by assessing who are your champions, and who are toxic people that need to be managed relationship needs to be changed, or they need to have your blessing and just go on with their own life?

18:18
Because it's so important for your own health and your own wellness.

18:22
So I mentioned three different scenarios where most of the time I see when people talk to me about toxic people in their lives. Those are the areas that I see them in. And I want to just mention a few things that are signs of toxic people I mentioned.

18:38
One is that you walk away feeling drained when you're around a toxic person, here they are, right depleting your brain of happiness, chemicals, how crazy is that? So you walk away, like, Oh, I'm exhausted, I'm drained from dealing with this person. That is a sign of a toxic person. Toxic people oftentimes do not take responsibility for their own feelings. So they're always a victim. They're always a victim. And the problem there is when you feel like you have to fix them. When you feel like something you did or you said, needs to be better, and you're constantly what I call in their model, you're in their brain in their thinking, they must think this of me, they must think that of me. That's a very manipulative behavior. When people are toxic, they don't take responsibility for their own emotions. And it's a constant drama. And that drama is what's draining right. It's the negativity and the drama.

19:45
But when it comes to you, and you have a person like that in your life, the problem the problem isn't the person. The problem is how we handle or do not handle the person. The problem is what we are telling ourselves, oh, I have to fix them. Oh, I have to help them, Oh, did I do something? Did I say something? Could I have said something different? Right?

20:11
We always have to remember that every human being has the potential and the capacity and the capability to be emotionally independent, to choose their own thoughts and to choose their own emotions. And so you have to be able to step back from these toxic people and not allow yourself to get into their model and try to fix them. That's where the drain comes in.

20:37
Toxic people are very critical. You know, nothing is ever good enough. And they're constantly judging, and they're constantly critical. And that is a huge negative energy. Have you ever I'm sure you have I know, I have, I don't know anybody who hasn't walked into a room where there's someone who you think of as a bully, or a toxic person or a negative person, and just the energy in the room that that person is in is tense, and heavy. And you can tell everyone is on eggshells around them.

21:07
And why is that? Because they're volatile, they don't take responsibility for their own emotions. And so we tell ourselves, when we're around toxic people like that, I have to talk differently, I have to behave differently, I have to act differently, or they will respond in a certain way.

21:26
We're still in someone else's model.

21:28
We're not responsible for their responses. We're responsible for our own conduct, our own thoughts, our own emotions, and the results we're creating in our life. And in that situation, where you have this person who isn't taking responsibility for themselves, or their emotions, and as a result of that, you feel like you have to be hyper vigilant about your own behavior, conduct words, all those things. That's where the work needs to come in. Alright, that's where the drain comes in again.

22:02
So let's talk about these three different primary categories that I talked about earlier, I'll name them again, and what you can actually do, how can you help yourself in this situation, where there are toxic people in your life, they're not serving your life, they do not make your life better for being in them. But at the same time, you have a ton of conditioned thoughts. Just be nice, don't be rude. And interesting that we would tell ourselves that the only way to handle a situation like that is by being rude, right? Or that protecting ourselves and respecting our healthy boundaries is somehow not nice. Or if the saying is, you know, just be nice. But that means go into a room, or repeatedly expose yourself to another humanbeing who violates healthy boundaries is disrespectful, is emotionally volatile, maybe even, you know, downright mean. And yet we tell ourselves these conditioned thoughts, which I think is so prominent, especially with women Be a good girl, you know, don't be a bitch, just be nice. And so we really have to dig into the thoughts we have about ourselves, and why we allow toxic behaviors.

23:15
Alright, so let's talk about the first one, somebody you've known forever.

23:19
I once worked with this woman. And she had, who she called a friend, who would come in very rarely, I'd say, a couple of times a year, maybe three, four times a year to have lunch with her. And every time she knew this woman was coming, she was so upset. She was so anxious. She was on pins and needles all day long.

23:40
And I would ask her, why do you go out to lunch with this person? When clearly you don't enjoy her company. She doesn't offer anything positive in your life. Why do you keep putting yourself in that position?

23:54
And she said, I've known her forever. We've been friends for 20 years.

23:59
And I would ask her, what do you consider a friend, because this woman was very condescending, very judgmental, very critical, very belittling. And every time this woman would come back from lunch, from having gone out this person, she felt like shit, she felt horrible. And so this is not uncommon.

24:19
So if you have a person like this in your life, and you're working on regrouping your life and you're looking at what works and what doesn't work, this is a perfect time for a thought dump. For taking a piece of paper and a pen or pencil, and sitting down for 10 minutes, and putting the name of that person up at the top of a piece of paper and writing every thought that comes into your mind.

24:44
We really have to look at where these ideas come from. When we are desiring to live a life of design. Right, an intentional life that brings us happiness and fulfillment that supports our our health, our healing, our wellness, and our happiness. We have to examine the way that we think about the things that need change. So when it comes to this kind of a person, I've known them forever.

25:14
This is a time to examine those thoughts. Where did the thoughts come from that tell you, you have to continue to allow this person in your life? And if you don't allow that person in your life any longer, what does that mean to you? What do you tell yourself about yourself, if you make that decision?

25:32
Is there a way that you can say, this person just doesn't serve me and my life anymore, and I give them love, and I give them blessings, but I'm not putting myself in that position again.

25:43
So a thought dump on this and examining what you think, and why you continue to expose yourself to that kind of person, if someone like that is in your life, and you know what, the better than before breast cancer workshop is, at the end of the month, if you do a model, and you want to come on that workshop, and talk to me about it, do it, because I would love love love to coach you through something like that.

26:07
Okay.

26:08
Number two person, their family.

26:12
What do you do? We use the term their family, to excuse a lot of behaviors that are just not healthy. And that just don't serve us. And there's so much conditioned thinking tied up in that. And as I began to share that story with you, earlier in this show, you know, for me, I really had to pull back, you have to pull back out of that situation where someone's family. And again, look at why you think disconnecting there is whatever mean, unkind, whatever, what, where's that thought coming from?

26:54
And ask yourself, is this behavior acceptable?

26:59
For me, I think that a very eye opening moment was when I tried to have a discussion with this person, and say, how can we find a constructive way to move forward in this relationship? And that person was having nothing to do with being constructive, absolutely nothing to do. And I sat there and I listened. And I thought to myself, I can truly see that this person is in a lot of pain, this person has a lot of work to do on themselves and is suffering. And this toxic behavior and words and energy and everything that is coming out and being directed at me is resulting from their story.

27:39
And I walked away thinking, I'm not going to ever do that again. You know, I'm not going to subject myself to that kind of verbal, emotional toxic abuse ever again. And yet, I didn't want to feel angry. And I recognize the goodness in this person as well. You know, you know, your family, and you know, the totality of the person. So, you know, there's a good side, and oftentimes they'll say, Oh, well, this is good about them. And so how much good do you have to have to justify the toxicity? Is there a trade off? Is there a balance? Is it okay?

28:20
You have to really look at those thoughts. And for me, it's not okay, ever, especially knowing that I'm just dealing with this really deep need to heal, right. And understanding that, no anger, no fighting, no bitterness, none of these emotions, serve my wellness. And so I was able to really look at this relationship and just say, I see the goodness in you. And I hope you get the help you need. I really do and I send you love. And if you get the help you need, I'm here. I'm here, definitely. But until then, I can't expose myself to this.

29:04
And I'm going to give you a little practice at the end of this. A little exercise that you can use for yourself, and when dealing with toxic people.

29:14
But I think that when it comes to that point of when it is family, and obviously you know, you've got to be careful because is it close family? Is it family used to want to have a relationship with Is it a spouse? Is it a child? And then how do you deal with that relationship?

29:30
Again, it comes back to your healthy boundaries.

29:34
And so if this person who has toxic behaviors is someone that you really and truly want in your life, and it's not just you know, a distant relative or someone that doesn't live in your home and you think this person lives here. I love this person. I want to fix this. Then there's a whole big ball of wax there right because you have to then establish your healthy boundaries and learn how to uphold those healthy boundaries, learn how to say this is the expectation of how I will be treated. And then open those lines of communication. And those can be some very difficult conversations to have with someone who is not really self aware, or someone who has a lot of issues or someone who needs help in developing, sometimes you really need to get professional help with that. But it's important to recognize when you see or know this is happening in your life. Because if it is happening, it isn't serving your health not to address it. Right.

30:34
A lot of times people are resistant to going out for professional help for counseling for therapy for relationship coaches, something like that. Because we tell ourselves it has this negative stigma, if we go to a counselor, an emotional place, like somebody's got to be wrong, or somebody has to be blamed. But I like to offer that when you look at a relationship that needs healing, and that you want healing to occur in that that conversation can be more of: Listen, I love you, I want you in my life. But what we're doing now isn't working, can we get some extra help some extra tools, a couple of extra hands on this problem, so that we can figure out a way to make it better?

31:15
You know, so we can approach it from that way, that not not the way it's broken, and look what you've done, and you better apologize. And there's all of this stuff that has to be taken care of. But I want this person in my life. I don't like the energy that's happening now. Let me see how we can make this better.

31:31
Right.

31:32
So a couple of different ways that we can approach that toxicity when it is family, but still remembering, always coming back to you have to own where you're at when it's dealing with toxic people, you have to know that you are worthy, you have to know that you are deserving of love and kindness and gentleness and compassion. And you have to be able to stand in that.

32:00
And in order to do that, sometimes you've got to work through your own thoughts of why are you allowing this behavior to continue? Where's the fear? Because I guarantee you there's a ton of fear, right? That we're always in fear, because we're in the fear of the way someone's going to speak or react or respond. Or maybe you're even fear that someone is going to leave. And then you have to ask yourself, if I'm miserable when they stay, why do I have fear if they leave? So many things to work through. But when it comes to dealing with toxic people, it's rolling back first with ourselves and saying, Okay, hold on, where do I stand with this? Why am I telling myself that this needs to be in my life? Or what are the steps I can take to start to change the way this is in my life?

32:49
Okay, now, what if that person is a colleague, someone at work?

32:55
I love that the book, The Four Agreements, I think I've said that on the show before, because one of the most important agreements is don't take anything personally.

33:08
So I said a moment ago, when it comes to toxic people, they have their own story, right? And as I read to you a moment ago, it's typically because something has happened is happening is going on with that person has gone on, right, and they haven't processed it and dealt with it. And so it comes out as toxic behaviors, instead of really looking at whatever it was that happened in their life that brought on out of this deep insecurity, they have the need to prove themselves, right. The narcissism, the condemnation, the judgment, that all comes from a place of pain in that other person. And it's important for us to stand back and realize that just like we can't fix someone else, we must remove ourselves from this idea that we can fix or change someone else.

33:57
And then we evaluate that relationship and energy and say, that is toxic. I can't fix it, I can't change you. But I can still send you love and move on.

34:10
Because you don't want to have that anger in you, the bitterness in you, and questioning yourself and your own worth and value because of someone else's story. So it's a very challenging practice. If you have to work with someone or you have to be exposed to someone who you have no control over, you're not in charge of this person. Or maybe you've even gone to HR to get help or you've gone to a supervisor to get help and this person's behavior is just unacceptable. Well, I mean, you do have a choice, you always have the choice to get another job, right? That sounds like a pretty big move. But in order to avoid that, there's coming back to the way that you think about this person. And I have found that it's so helpful to look at that person and just wonder what happened, Right? What happened to you and wish them well.

35:04
And think that's whatever happened must have been just devastating, right in order for someone to act this way. And so here's a couple of little tricks. This is something that we've I've worked with some of my members is, in a work environment, something that can be very helpful with that as a little mental, emotional, kind of a trigger, is to put a mirror, on your desk, or in your cube or wherever it is that you work this little mirror. And think of that mirror, kind of like a mirror you would see in in a Fung Shui house, right? If you have a back door and a front door that align with each other, you may have noticed this before, but over one over that back door, there's always going to be a little mirror. And that's because the idea, the energy is if you open the front door in the back door at the same time, the energy just goes right through your house. But if you have that little mirror, you get to bounce the energy back and keep the good energy and the love in the house.

36:03
So I love that mental picture of it. And that trick of having that mirror there so that if you do have to be around a person whose behaviors you feel are unacceptable. You remember, this is not about you. And you can have that little mirror there. Because that really in your mind, you can just see it as sending their energy right back to them.

36:25
It's like that saying, when we're kids, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you.

36:30
And your mirror just bounces it right back. And it reminds you this isn't about me. This isn't about me, in the the relationship and the issues I talked about in my family, it isn't about me. It really isn't. It is about that person and the way that person, the situation they're in, and the way that they think everyone else should be behaving. Right?

36:55
We have manuals for everyone, this one person should behave this way, this person should behave that way, this person should behave this way.

37:01
And again, that's we're putting ourselves in their model, right?

37:04
We're dictating how other people should be acting, feeling talking. And when it comes to toxic people, we have to pull back again and say, Whoa, where do I stand here? Where do I stand? Where are my thoughts? Where are my healthy boundaries? And how can I stick to this healthy boundary with a feeling of love. There is a meditation, it's called the metta meditation, you can find it on downloads, I'm sure you can find it on YouTube, you can probably download it on iTunes, whatever, whatever. And I actually have a free download on my website of a metta meditation.

37:44
But I know you, I know my ladies listening this podcast, and sometimes you just don't click that link and go to the download. And some people don't want to put the email in to get the download, I mean, go to a website, you got to put an email in to get a download out of it. It's just the way backends work, right.

38:01
So what I'm going to do is record that metta meditation, and that's going to be a bonus podcast that comes out the same day as this podcast, because I want you to be able to listen to it. It serves as a wonderful meditation, even a mantra, if you have toxic people in your life, in your doing this work on understanding your thoughts about why you keep these people around you, or what steps need to be taken to remove some of the toxicity from the relationship.

38:31
I think this meditation is incredibly powerful.

38:35
Because it helps you to move through this situation with less anger and judgment. We have to remember that whatever has happened to them, that's put them in the position they are thinking that things I think it is not about us. And then we have to step back and find a way to resolve these relationships without anger. Because anger doesn't serve us right, it does not serve our immune system, it does not serve our brain. And it is a big deal that I've had to do a lot of work on.

39:03
So Trust me, I know this.

39:06
The metta meditation, is a meditation where you are envisioning someone and sending love to them and wishing them well. And so I won't go into in detail here because you can just go right to the next podcast, I'm going to put that metta meditation, and you can listen to it there.

39:23
But hey, if you do want to stay updated and you're not on my email list, please go to my website, download the meta meditation from the show notes. You'll find at https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/147 and that way I can keep you updated on things that are happening and send out information to you and insights on the podcasts and just do the things I do to support my people.

39:49
So you can always do that too.

39:51
Alright, so in summary, when it comes to Regroup. This very valuable pillar of healing and recovery, something that's so important is to evaluate the group of people that are in your lives. And to understand why you keep people in your life, who may be undermining your health.

40:17
It requires a lot of work on your thoughts. And what you think about being a nice person being a mean person, all of that. And then sometimes it requires challenging emotional conversations. And so you've got to be brave enough to be able to enter into those from a place of compassion. And knowing, knowing what you need from the relationship that is critical, removing the blame, removing the demands from someone else, and just coming to the table, knowing what you need.

40:53
That is so important.

40:55
And then finally, in a situation where you don't have any choice for eight hours a day, or 10 hours a day or something like that, clearly, removing yourself from that situation by going somewhere else is an option. But if it isn't an option for you, practicing not taking things personally, using the metta meditation, and using some cues, like the mirror, or anything else that you can think of that's like this protective shield for you. And that takes that negative energy and sends it back to someone else.

41:28
You know, we sometimes we stay in relationships and jobs, and in so many things that we know are killing us. I cannot. I don't mean to sound dramatic, they're killing us. But how, how many times that I have come home from jobs or situations and say Oh, My God, this is slowly sucking the life out of me. And when you hear yourself, say things like that, about people and situations, please stop and listen.

41:55
Because maybe it is. Our stress, or anxiety, our emotions, the chemicals that happen in our bodies, when we are in the situation where we feel continually drained and exhausted. That's telling us something, and it's a critically important part of our health and our healing.

42:17
If you're listening to this show, you probably had cancer or you have it now. And so when you have a cellular imbalance that deep know that it doesn't come from just one cause, right?

42:30
We have to create the environment, the terrain in our body that allows that to happen. And who knows why that is. That's what I'm working on figuring out now. And some of the things I think I have figured out a lot of stuff I have a lot deeper to dig into. And I think this is just a really important part of it. And I know that it resonates with a lot of people because I coach a lot of women about relationships and the way they feel or the way that they're treated. And so it always comes back to you, my friend, knowing your worth knowing you deserve to be loved. And knowing what you need in your life in standing up for that from a place of compassion.

43:11
All right, if you need help with that, I really hope you come and join me in the Revived membership experience, because this is the kind of stuff we coach on. And we work through. Because this is the kind of stuff that when you move past it, it changes your life. It really, really transforms you. And that's great, it transforms you into a much happier place.

43:32
So check that out https://www.thebreastcancerrecoverycoach.com/revive, and come and work with me at the better than before breast cancer workshop at the end of July, July 30, 31st, and August 1. It happens at 8am Friday, Saturday and Sunday, one hour a day. And you have immediate access once you enroll in it, which again, you can do completely free. And you can enroll in it and get access right now to some of the trainings already had been there, which is more information on the four pillars of breast cancer recovery. And on a incredibly powerful tool that I use in coaching that I was taught by my own life coach. And this tool is called the model. And so there's some videos in the workshop page already on those that you can start on right now.

44:17
All right, I hope that helps somebody out there that you needed to hear this.

44:21
Know that I'm here for you. And come and join me and I will talk to you again next week.

44:27
Until then, please be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well.