Ever found yourself reaching for those potato chips, not out of hunger, but perhaps to fill an emotional void?
If you've ever branded yourself an "emotional eater" or often thought, "I just don't want to deal with this," this episode is tailor-made for you.
Dive deep into understanding why we often lean on instant gratifications to sidestep confronting our raw, uncomfortable emotions. We'll unpack the ways we dodge these feelings and the repercussions of such escapism.
Tune in to gain insights on heightening your emotional awareness and embarking on a transformative journey towards a more fulfilling life.
Resources:
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Join The Better Than Before Breast Cancer Workshop
Read the full transcript below:
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This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.
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Hello, and welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I am your host, Laura Lummer. And I am so happy you are joining me today. I'm so excited, I have a lot of really great exciting stuff going on. And at the time this recording comes out, I will be getting ready to do my first better than before breast cancer workshop. It starts on Friday, March 19, at 8am Pacific time, so you still have time to get in. And if you don't hear this show until Friday, March 19th. Know that each workshop is going to be recorded and stored on the workshop page. And so you'll be able to see that recording if you do want to jump in and join for the weekend for Saturday and Sundays live sessions. And during that workshop, you'll have a chance to ask questions of me, you'll have a chance to come on live and get coaching. And we're going to be focusing on three really big topics in breast cancer recovery. Really common struggles that I see I went through myself and that I work with other women on in those topics are fear, and practicing self compassion, getting over a lot of self image issues or not necessarily getting over but processing and dealing with them. And learning to love yourself and be gentle. And we'll also be talking about our body's relationship with food. And how we can view it a little differently to support ourselves and get rid of some of the fear and anxiety and drama that surrounds food when we're recovering from breast cancer and when we're just trying to support ourselves with good health and wellness. So I really hope you'll join me, I'm super excited to do this. And to see a bunch of brand new life faces that I've never coached before, it's going to be really exciting. You don't have to be on camera. If you're a shy person, you're thinking I'd like to see it but I don't want to be on camera. It is a webinar fashion. So only people who want to come on live and be on camera will we'll be doing that. So you can sit in the background and enjoy your a cup of morning coffee while we do the workshop. But it's going to be great. I'm very, very excited about it. And you can find all the details at the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash B as in boy T as in Tom B as in boy better than before. So check it out. And if you haven't visited my website at all lately, I have a new free video series that I'm also really excited about. It is called the four pillars of breast cancer recovery. And it goes into the framework that I use when I coach. It goes into the philosophy that I've developed through my own recovery through dealing with and living with breast cancer and helping and coaching other women through it as well. And it is for video series also has some little worksheets that go along with it to give you some exercises to start doing a little bit of self coaching. And you can find that right on the homepage of my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com. So check it out. It's really cool. I think you'll like it. Naturally. I'd love to hear from you. If you check it out, shoot me an email and let me know what you think about it. All right, so let's dig in to today's show. Now you may or may not know that after people complete re vivify my 10 week coaching program, they have an opportunity to move into the Empower membership. And in the Empower membership. We do a lot of coaching, we focus on a different area every month. And it's just a really powerful, awesome program. And this month, our focus has been buffering, which I'm going to tell you a little bit more about in a moment. But it's been such a powerful, awesome month. And I have seen and heard so many revelations, because when you're introduced to a new way of thinking about things in the way that you are when you learn about buffering, you start to really notice the why behind some of the things you do in your life. So let me first explain what buffering is. And then I want to talk about where we do it in our life. Where the power in buffering is why we do it. And we are some of the resistance comes up against Evaluating and observing, buffering and trying to eliminate it from our lives and then how you can actually do that. Okay? So buffering is a concept that I learned from my own life coach Brooke Castillo. And it is when you turn to something, you choose to do something that makes you feel good. Even if you're only feeling good for a moment, it's momentary satisfaction or gratification, you choose to turn to something that makes you feel good, as a way of avoiding something that is painful, challenging, difficult, difficult emotions coming up. So popular ways of buffering, our shopping, over shopping, emotionally eating or overeating, over drinking, overworking, productivity, exercising, talking on the phone, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, there are so many ways that we can buffer. And we tell ourselves in some of the ways that we buffer, we tell ourselves, these are totally legit, like this is a real thing. I come home from work, and had a stressful day, I want to have a glass of wine, or I want to have a martini, or I want to sit down and watch Netflix, I want to get on the computer and start looking for a new pair of shoes because I feel good when I buy a new pair of shoes. But what we're not doing is when we come home from work, and we're stressed, and we get that glass of Chardonnay to help reduce the stress, what we're not doing is looking at why we feel stressed how we handled the day, and what we could have been doing differently to manage our emotions. So we come home feeling better. Now, let me clarify. There, it's perfectly okay to have a glass of wine to go shopping to exercise all of those things. The difference is when you turn to them in avoidance of something difficult of feeling a difficult emotion, versus when you're just intentionally doing it. Versus when you just say a glass of wine sounds really nice right now. Right? So we're when we're buffering, we're using something else to bring relief, temporary enjoyment, versus, as a method of avoiding something else is stuffing that emotion. So I'll use an example from my own personal life that I shared with my Empower members. When I was married to my second husband, and we were the marriage was literally falling apart, we had pretty much done everything we could do, it was just not good. If you've ever been through something like that, you know how uncomfortable it is to be in the house to deal with difficult conversations. It's just tough. It's a tough spot to get through in life. And at the time, I wasn't aware of the concept of buffering. And I wasn't consciously I guess, totally consciously making this choice. But at the time, what I did is I took on a second job. And I justified that second job that part time job in addition to my full time job by Oh yeah, I'm going to use all this money to pay off extra debt. And I'm going to use this money to set aside for Christmas shopping. And anybody who may have said, Oh my God, you're already working full time job. And now a part time job. Sure, because you know, I'm getting extra money. Anyone would say that's totally legit. But the truth is, it was fun, where I was going to work. I enjoyed it. It was a place that I liked around people that were really fun to be around. And it kept me from having to deal with what I didn't want to deal with at home. Okay, makes sense. Same kind of thing when we're eating, eating out of boredom, eating over grief, sadness, stress. So when we not obviously because eating isn't always bad, right, you need to eat. But when you're eating, to avoid something that doesn't feel good. When you turn and pick up that cupcake or ice cream, and you get that sugar in you and you get that little burst of dopamine that momentarily makes you feel good. And then you don't have to think about or feel the emotions that come up. When you look at your body and you're not happy with it. You don't like it. You don't like what's happened to your body. You think about the fear. You know, a lot of women will say to me, I don't want to be in silence. Because when we're in silence, what do we hear, we hear our thoughts. We have to manage our thoughts, we have to deal with our thoughts. So we turn on the TV. So the TV is always going and it's a nice distraction in the background or we just sit and watch Netflix and or anything else in avoidance of something else. I mean, just keep repeating that. It's not that the act itself is a bad thing. It's that when we're identifying buffering is the avoidance of something else. So I want to kind of connect how this works with the four pillars since I just brought up the four pillars in that video series. So the four pillars of breast cancer recovery as I teach them and work with them are released Renu regroup and revive. And so when it comes to buffering, and when we're looking at releasing something I initially work with and coach on releasing, because it's so important to release painful emotions, and create space in our heart, our mind, our body, that energy of stored emotions of suppressed emotions. When we release those emotions, then we create space for the next pillar, which is renewal. And
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where buffering comes in when we're talking about release is that if you're feeling anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, loss, isolation, all of these things as a result of life of breast cancer of treatment, all the things that come up, but you don't sit with them, and experience them and allow that energy to release from your body, then where do you really have the space to move on to renew yourself. And let's say that you're working on renewal, let's say you're working on renewing your diet, you're working on renewing your lifestyle habits, going to bed a little earlier, getting a little more sleep, incorporating exercise, being more conscious of hydrating your body, all those things? Well, when we're trying to incorporate a new, healthy habit, a healthier lifestyle habit into our life. But we haven't let go of the thoughts that prevented us initially from adopting that healthy lifestyle, then I promise you, the change you try to make will not be sustainable. Because if you tell yourself, okay, I'm going to incorporate six more servings of vegetables and cut out sugar from my diet. But you haven't dealt with the thoughts you have that say, you're not worthy of treating yourself well, or you don't deserve certain things in life or you're not good enough anymore. Then when those emotions and those feelings start to come to the surface, you are going to turn to a sugary treat, you will bad side and it's never about the food. It's always about what we're thinking. And then we turn to the food because it feels bad. So we turn to the food to feel better. And that's the buffering. If you ever participated in my five day sugar challenge, then you will know and if you didn't, I'm going to fill you in right now, then you'll know that the five day sugar challenge is not about food. In the context of I don't give anyone a diet plan. I don't say okay, for five days, we're not eating sugar. It's all about what you're thinking about the food. And for each of those five days, we look at a different thought process, a different mindful approach to just becoming aware of what you're thinking when you make a food choice. And almost without fail, when someone makes a food choice that they say I don't want to choose this anymore, I want to be better to myself, but then they choose it anyway, it is because of the thoughts they have about themselves. It is their thoughts have come up about something that's painful, something that's difficult, something that's challenging, and they don't want to sit in that uncomfortable space, who does who likes to be uncomfortable, who likes to feel painful emotion, I mean, unless you're sadistic, nobody likes it. But if you're willing to stay there, rather than given to that urge and buffer with that food to give you that momentary relief, then you're actually dealing with the problem. And then the behaviors can change. Because as long as you buffer, you never release that energy in that pain that is stored inside of you. But when you sit with it, and you learn to face it, accept it, acknowledge it, that's when you can start to let it go. So that's how buffering really works into release. And there's, there's actually a lot of times where I will offer someone a coaching client work to do because they're struggling with something that's very painful. And they will buffer instead of doing the work, right? They'll find everything and every excuse of why they couldn't do this work. But that resistance comes up because your brain is offering it you know, you go to do something and you know immediately this is not going to feel good. This is going to feel uncomfortable. And I'll give you an example. One of the exercises is an exercise that we do in re vivify to help let go Have our pre cancer self, to really say goodbye to that person that we were before cancer in order to be able to get to know the person we are right now. And there have been so many times where one of my clients or one of my members, they just won't do it, they won't do that exercise, they won't put the pen to paper and do the actual exercise and, and follow the guidelines because it's difficult. And so we'll turn to something else. And now, there, we can use laundry, you know, we can use kids and we can say, Hey, I was productive, I got this thing done in my house, right? I did this craft with my kids. And that seems like a totally legitimate excuse. But if you know in your heart of hearts, that you did that thing, so you didn't have to do the other thing, then you're buffering. So when it comes to the pillar of renew, same kind of thing I kind of mentioned it, you know, with release, if you renewing is building a healthier lifestyle, it's doing things to make your body and mind feel better. And when it comes to renewing, and we have to look at the thoughts we have behind the choices we've always made not to support ourselves in certain ways, then we'll buffer and we'll move away from them, we'll turn away from that. And we'll say, Oh, I didn't do that journaling exercise, because I had to get into work early that day. Work is a great buffer great. Like I said a minute ago, I used it myself. So then we look at regroup the pillar of regroup, regroup is a little more of an external focus, it's having gone through releasing emotions, it's having renewed your own life, and then looking at external factors around you that aren't in alignment really, with what you want to create. And that's tough, because that can involve difficult conversations. So let's say you have to have a difficult conversation with your spouse about, hey, you know, I've decided that I've always wanted to travel. And we've never made the effort to put money into travel or time into travel, because maybe your spouse has other goals or just isn't interested. And you have to have that conversation with them that says, I need to focus on this now. It says, I need you to be on board with me, so that we can travel more. And if that's not okay with you, I need you to know I love you. But I'm going to travel without you anyway, I'm going to do this Ouch. That can sound like a really tough conversation to have. And that's just one example. There can be many things in your life that you really, really want to do. But having the conversation with somebody about making it happen, is challenging for you. And that might be having a conversation with a boss about, you know, redoing or rethinking your work schedule, or your work responsibilities, anything of that nature, just asking for what you want. But knowing that doing that is going to be uncomfortable, and bring up self doubt, it's going to bring up fear. And so instead of that, sometimes you just work more, right, we just work more, and say, Yeah, I'll get to that thing in a minute. But I've got this big project I have to do so until this project is done, I'm not going to get to that thing. And so we buffer. And most definitely buffering plays a part when it comes to revive to reviving your life. Think about it. If you want to go back to school, if you want to be a volunteer somewhere, if you want to start a business, if you want to anything, anything that's going to cause a reallocation of the time in your life. And the energy that you have to give so often will be fearful of that. And I know from my own experience from just starting a business as a life coach for breast cancer survivors, so much self doubt went into that and still does when I have new things that I have to create or new ways that I have to approach people, I have to work through my own thoughts that caused me to question myself or question the value of what I have to offer. And so instead of doing that, I might go and do something that feels a lot better. Like I might say, You know what, first I have to record a couple of podcasts and then I'll get over there to that thing. So I want to stay ahead of schedule. So do you see what I'm saying? It's any time that difficult emotions are coming up, and we unconsciously turn to something else. We really interrupt that cycle of our lives we interrupt, releasing what needs to be released, we interrupt renewing and supporting ourselves. We interrupt creating better relationships. And we might even get on the phone to talk to somebody about how crappy the relationship is. And that's a buffer because then somebody gives us reassurance. Heck yeah, you're right. I mean, very rarely do we have a girlfriend and we're going to call and say you would not believe what he said. And your girlfriend's gonna say, Well, I think he was justified. No, that's doesn't happen. She's gonna reassure you that you're right. And then you're going to feel better. And then you're gonna say, see, so there's no need for me to have that conversation because nothing will change anyway. And so you continue to perpetuate that dynamic of being stuck in a relationship, that isn't everything you want it to be. And instead of facing the difficult part of the conversations and the work on it, we buffer, right and you're not alone. If you do that, you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And also in revive and just making our life better at everything. Everything we want to be putting ourselves out there taking the risks, taking the leaps. It's scary.
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And self doubt is a powerful thing. And ice cream can make it better, right? Because ice cream never tells you you're not good enough. Ice cream is like, oh, yeah, this is good. Let me just be right here and be comfortable. This is good, right? And so that is buffering. So you know, why resistance comes up? Your brain offers you resistance about feeling something uncomfortable? So we turn to something that makes us feel good, we're buffering. But there's another side to that as well. And that is, Who will I be? If I give up this thing that I buffer with? How will my life be different? And here comes fear. And let me give you an example. So I mentioned the sugar challenge a few minutes ago, one time we were doing the sugar challenge. And someone who was in the challenge said she was uncomfortable with it because she had a habit, or a routine, let's say routine, in Friday night was kind of a date night and her husband would come home with a specific dessert that they both loved. And they would enjoy their Friday night and always have this dessert. Now this woman she wanted to reduce sugar in her life. But she didn't know, what will we do on Friday nights? And how would this change our fun date night that we enjoy so much together? If I don't have the pie. So on the one hand, she really didn't want it. But on the other hand, the experience that came along with it she loved and didn't want to change. So that fear does come up of what will there be instead? What will my life be? What if I do make these healthy lifestyle changes? Who will I become? Will I still be a good partner for my spouse? Will my spouse still like me? What if I become so healthy and so outgoing, that I don't fit into my current life anymore? And fear pops up? And so then we buffer against that thought? So we don't have to face it? And then we still don't make the change? What if you were to give up wine? Or cut way back? What would you do? If you went out to dinner? And you didn't order a glass of wine? What would it be like? What would that experience be like? Would it be weird? Would you be thinking that's just strange people will think I'm strange. And yet, you might be saying to yourself, I really don't want alcohol in my life, or at least I want to cut it way back because I know it doesn't support me. I know it's a huge risk factor for breast cancer. But isn't it going to be weird? And I know and I think I shared in another podcast, I went through those thoughts myself, especially after being diagnosed with metastatic disease and thinking, ooh, you know, where is alcohol gonna fit into this now because of the goals I have for my health, but also the enjoyment I get out of having a glass of wine with friends or a craft cocktail, where will I find a balance? And so here's the thing, you only figure that out by getting curious in that space by facing that discomfort and trying it. Right, because when you try it, then you get to see what's actually coming up. And you might find that whatever you're buffering against, if you actually allow it to happen, it may be uncomfortable in the moment, it may be uncomfortable to start a new habit around it to take on new actions and behaviors. But then once you do, it may be even better than before.
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Let's take the example of buffering with food. So if you eat emotionally, or you're having an emotional day, and so you turn to food, well, it's really only making you feel good for a little while. Because if you're overeating, you're probably gaining weight. If you're eating a lot of sugar, you're probably not feeling great. And so after that momentary hit of dopamine where you feel like oh, this is so delicious. I love this. There's all the shame and all the guilt and all the self judgment that comes along with it along with extra weight that makes To feel uncomfortable, that puts your health at risk. And at the end of the day, you have a net negative effect from your buffering, right? You kind of undermined yourself by buffering was something that you said would make things better. But if you became aware of that buffering, and you started to get curious about what is it that I don't want to feel right now. And what's the worst thing that could happen to me if I just sat here, and I let this urge Pass, which it will or just always pass, and I decided to sit here for 10 minutes, when I feel that urge and just notice what I'm actually feeling rather than get into it, you may suddenly start releasing some of this emotion, start becoming very aware of it. And by doing so, not buffering so much with food. So when you let go, that buffering, who will you become? Well, you may become someone who feels more comfortable in their clothes, or feels like you're supporting your health better and lowering your risks of recurrence and breast cancer. And even when it comes to the wine or alcohol in your life, and you think what would I do if I didn't come home and have a martini? Oh, my goodness, I love doing that. And loving it is one thing and intentionally doing is one thing. But doing it as an avoidance technique is the other thing. So if you decided not to use it as a buffering technique, and maybe you found out wow, I actually sleep more soundly and have fewer hot flashes. And I'm able to get up earlier, and go for a walk in the mornings or feel very clear headed when I wake up, because I'm not having alcohol. And one thing that I found too, when I cut way back on the amount of times I would have alcohol is started to lose weight. And for me, I realized that I would buffer out of boredom. You know, in the evenings, I like to do different things. And my husband likes to watch TV. And so a lot of times I'll sit with him to watch TV. But while I'm watching, I'm also reading a book, or I'm writing something on my laptop, I like to stay busy. And if I decide not to and I just sit, then I would be bored. And then he'd say, Hey, can I make you a cocktail? And I'd say sure, because once you have a drink, I mean, for me, I don't feel like doing anything. And so then I would buffer this feeling of wanting to get up and go do something other than watching television, have a cocktail, and then go okay, now I don't feel like doing anything. So it wasn't really serving me. Right, it was avoiding me feeling bored. But it did also have a net negative effect. So once I realized what it was I was buffering against, then I could really look at that situation and say, okay, you know, what are all the pieces here, I enjoy doing really active things, I'd rather go get another session on my exercise bike or go to a yoga class in the evening. Not that, well, I can go to yoga classes, now they finally reopened. But I also like to spend time with my husband. And so then I had to make it intentional. And I had to kind of look at my schedule and say, Okay, I'm cool with spending this much time sitting there with him just so that we can be sitting next to each other and he can have the thing he enjoys. And I can have the time with him. And on the other hours or on the other days, I was he watches TV in the same room like the dining room, family room areas connected. So I could work until a certain time still kind of being in the same room. So I make comments to him, he makes comments to me, but I'm still doing something that I really enjoy doing and really want to be doing a little later into the evening, and not spending all the time sitting and watching TV. So it's just an intentional shift in my own schedule. And when I would do my thing, and then when I would give up my thing, but be fully present and not bored. I didn't need alcohol to sit there and feel like my mind wasn't distracted by something else. I created that intentional space for the time that I would sit with my husband. And because I knew that's what I had planned. And I looked at it from a different perspective, I no longer felt the need to buffer. So know that as you start thinking about this and start becoming more aware of the areas that you buffer in, and the things that you buffer with. Don't be surprised if resistance comes up in you. Don't be surprised if fear of change comes up with you. If fear of letting go of your buffer comes up with you. But remember, you can always say to yourself, let me just be curious in this space. I don't necessarily have to frighten myself and scare the daylights out of my brain by saying I'm going to change everything and I'm gonna give this up. But you can say to your brain, let's get curious. Let's stay in this space brain and just see what happens. Let's see how it feels. And what's the word First thing that could happen if I feel all the fields, or if I start noticing that I want to feel more of the fields, but I want to stay in my emotions so that I can experience the ones that are meaningful. And so I can let go of the ones that don't serve me. And I can let go of doing things in my life that produce a net negative effect, while brain is over here saying no, no, no, that's going to make you feel good. All right. So I would love to hear about your thoughts on buffering. And I'd love to hear your questions on buffering. So if you're in the breast cancer recovery group, post about them, I'd love to hear and if you're not in that group, come and join us. It's a free group on Facebook. And there's just a lot of survivors in that group. I think there's close to 700 women there. So come and post your questions about that because I established that group to be there as a support system. So you could ask questions like that and we can help each other do the things that lead us to living a more fulfilling and joyful life. And if you hear this podcast before March 19 20, or 21st, you can go to my website and join the better than before breast cancer workshop and you can ask me the questions live. All right. I will be back next week. Until then, be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well. And I will talk to you soon.
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Courage to the test laid all your doubts your mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures given all you know you've been waiting on
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