#128 How Self-Care Leads to Happiness and Connection

When's the last time you overextended yourself, driven by concerns of what others might think or by a yearning for the pre-cancer "you"?

Neglecting self-care often leads to fatigue, irritability, and even strains in our relationships.

In this episode, I delve into the essence of genuine self-care, emphasizing the need for candidness with ourselves and those we cherish. Discover how embracing vulnerability can not only benefit your well-being but also deepen the connections with those around you. It's time to offer yourself the grace you deserve.

Resources:

Better Than Before Breast Cancer Workshop

Do you have superwoman syndrome?

Self Care- 4 Ways to Nourish Your Body and Soul

Read the full transcript below:

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This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical or Aveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer.

0:38
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. My name is Laura Lummer. And I am your host, and thank you so much for being here today. I have a couple of announcements to make. And I'm going to jump right into this show. But first, I wanted to let you know that I'm really excited to have a new video series out it's a free video series, you can get it on my website, just go to the breast cancer recovery coach.com. And you'll see it right there on the homepage right up at the top where it says grab the free video series. So I made this video series to introduce you to the four pillars of breast cancer recovery that I use in my coaching, release, renew, regroup and revive and what those actually mean. And in each of the videos, there's a little exercise for you to do to kind of help get in touch with those areas of recovery, and those areas of your life. So I hope you enjoy it. And I hope you go and grab it and you download it and let me know what you think about it. You can always find me on Facebook at Laura Lummer Or in the breast cancer recovery group. All right. And then the second thing is I think I mentioned last week, my new workshop, the better than before breast cancer workshop is going to take place March 19 through the 21st. It's one hour a day for three days. And I am super excited about it. We're going to be talking about four pillars of breast cancer recovery, we're going to be talking about managing your thoughts. And we're going to focus on three specific areas of coaching and support, which are managing fear, big thing that we go through after breast cancer, we're going to look at self compassion, treating yourself with love and gentleness and coaching people on that another really big area that's difficult for us as survivors as women, as women survivors. And we're going to be looking at your thoughts around your relationship with food and your body. So I'm really excited. These are three topics that are really popular that a lot of women struggle with. And I'm really excited to be offering this workshop. So you can sign up grab a seat at the workshop, again, on my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash b, T B. So B isn't boy t is and Tom B is in boy better than before. All right. That is all the housekeeping. So I want to acknowledge that this podcast episode is going to be coming out on a Saturday, where typically the podcast comes out the show comes out on Thursdays. And the show The reason that it's late is actually kind of what inspired the topic for this show. So I took an RV trip last week, I took an RV trip out to see my son who lives in Colorado in Grand Junction, Colorado. And the reason I took that trip is that last October, I actually had plane tickets to go with my granddaughter to go and see my son he and his girlfriend bought a new home. I'm super excited to check it out, see where he was living. He just recently had moved to Colorado. And the week we were supposed to leave is when I got diagnosed with metastatic cancer. And my oncologist was having nothing to do with me leaving town as I had a lot of way more pressing issues. And I needed to start treatment right away. So fast forward, you know, COVID is still all over, I didn't really want to take the risk of being in an airport and exposing myself. So we rented this RV. And we drove out to Grand Junction and we had an amazing time and I'm so happy that we did it. But I did not realize how much an 11 and a half hour drive in an RV takes out of a person. I grossly underestimated the bouncing factors of bouncing around on a road in an RV and how much pain and fatigue that would cause in so when we got back from the trip, I was exhausted. I had a cold I was just not feeling great, which is why wasn't up to recording a podcast and getting it out on time. And so I want to roll back just a minute and talk about even when we were out in Colorado there were

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was a day it was the last day that we were there we went home the next day. And we went to this really cool amusement park. So it was about an hour and a half drive from my son's house. And I can't remember the name of it for whatever reason, and I think it was in Glenwood, Colorado. But anyway, we got there, and we took this gondola ride, which was gorgeous, was an amazing ride. So the gondolas take you up to the top of the mountain, and then there's this little amusement park up at the top of the mountain. And we were having a great time, it was absolutely beautiful. And one of the things that we did up there was a cave tour. Now this cave was amazing. But there were also 120 steps that you took down into the cave to look at the different parts of it, and then back up out of the cave, with a mask on at 7500 foot altitude, which I live at sea level. So let me tell you, I was gasping for air at the top of those steps, I was really tired. And I was not feeling good as far as my pain level from bounced around in the RV to get there as well. So after we got out of the cave, I just said, You know what, I need to go back to the RV and take a little nap. And at that point, for me, it was really an option, right it was Go lay down or you're going to fall down. And those your options right now. And one of the things that I've learned over the course of from my first diagnosis and going through chemotherapy and from you know, going through radiation just a couple of months ago and being on chemo now. And all the things that I've learned in between from coaching and coaching myself and coaching others is that it's okay to be transparent about the way you feel. So if we had rolled back the time, and it was I was diagnosed in 2011. So if it was 2012, I probably would have been feeling like, oh, I don't want them to worry about me, I've got to push through, I've got to keep pushing, I can't go lay down, I don't want to ruin the day for everyone. And I wouldn't be taking on all of the responsibility for the way everybody else felt. Which is silly, because I don't have any control over how other people feel. And one of the things that I've learned is that it's so important that I take care of myself, that self care is a priority. And that self care is something that isn't selfish, but it's just necessary. Running yourself into the ground does not serve healing, does not serve connecting to your loved ones, in any way, shape, or form.

7:44
So it really got me to thinking about how oftentimes we don't take care of ourselves, because we're so concerned about what other people think, or what we think other people expect of us. Or here's the other kicker, how we compare ourselves to who we used to be right before treatment before breast cancer to who or how we used to be. So for instance, I used to be able to do this and run a marathon, right? I could have done this all day long, five years ago, what's not five years ago anymore, it's now and now I cannot.

8:25
And it's okay, because I'm still here. And I was still in Colorado, and I was still with my husband and my granddaughter and my son and his beautiful girlfriend and her daughter and I was there having the experience. And I don't have to have that experience in a certain way, just because I used to be able to.

8:46
So I know how challenging self care is for a lot of women. And I know how much judgment we pile on to ourselves after breast cancer, because of this comparison to our previous physical body. So the diagnosis and the treatment was already hard on us. And then we make it even harder by judging and comparing our physical self to a previous physical self. And then by piling on what we think other people think of us and the expectations they have of us, and we don't take care of ourselves. So we run ourselves into the ground, we exhaust ourselves

9:28
and that's never okay. And that's never what our loved ones want to see from us. So I did go back to the RV and I did tell my family Hey, listen, I need to go lay down. You guys keep having fun. It's totally cool. I'm in no hurry, no rush. And if you're still up here on the rides with after I've nap for 30 minutes, I'll come back up. But you know what my family wanted to be with me and I think this is another big mistake we make. We think that if we give into the needs of our body then we cause other people to worry about

10:00
To us, we ruin things for everybody else. But that's not the case. When we're transparent about what we're feeling and what our needs are, we're actually giving the people who love us an opportunity to support us. We're giving them our vulnerability, we're opening up ourselves and saying, I trust you to know what's happening with me. So I'm going to share it. Because I know you can deal with it. I know you can handle it. And then they get the choice to say, oh, okay, cool. Well, you know what, yeah, we are gonna stay here for a little while, but we'll be back down. Or, oh, you know, what we just want to be with you or kind of done here anyway. So we're just gonna come be with you, because that's what the whole thing is about being together, right. So I did say what I needed. And I did give them the opportunity to do what they wanted to, which was they went to the gift shop, and they came back down, and we went home and hung out. And we had a lovely evening together. But I want to talk about two of the major reasons that I see that we do this to ourselves that we don't take care of ourselves, or we don't acknowledge our physical limits, and then honor them, why we do things actually, that undermine our wellness and our own self care. My particular favorite because I'm 100% guilty of it, as I've just alluded to a couple of minutes ago, is the same. I don't want them to worry about me.

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But the thing is that just like I said earlier, we have no control over how anyone else thinks or feels. But more than that, when we pretend that we have more to give physically and emotionally.

11:42
Everyone around us knows we're lying. They know it, think about it, you can see it, when you've seen someone who's clearly exhausted, or emotionally at their limit stressed out, you can see in their movements, you can see in their behaviors, right. They're stressed, you're not fooling anyone. And what we're doing is by not being honest about what's happening, and yet they can see the signs and indications that something's wrong, is that we're actually creating a distance between us and our loved ones. We're kind of saying to them, yeah, something's going on with me, but I'm not going to share it with you. And then, because we're pushing ourselves too hard. And we're not allowing ourselves to be honest, even with ourselves that we can't take this any longer, what happens, we start to get cranky, because we don't feel good, or we're overwhelmed. And then we're not even fun to be around. And we slip into emotional immaturity, right? We start saying things like, you made me mad, or you're irritating me, when the truth is you pushed yourself so far beyond your capacity of dealing with things that you're no longer even capable of managing your own emotions.

13:00
And like I said, again, a minute ago, the thing is that the people who love you, they just want to be with you. They want to support you and spend time with you, just like you do for them. And you would never want someone you love to be pushing themselves beyond the point of exhaustion and physical pain, right? You would never want to see that. But you have to allow them in. And you have to allow yourself to be the vulnerable one, to be honest with yourself, and to be vulnerable with the people around you. You can't be afraid to say, Hey, I'm feeling tired today, or tonight, I'm not up to this, let's just pick up some way and have a picnic in the park or in the living room. Rather than hike the trail. You know, we survivors, we have to be the ones to break through that protective barrier, that space that we create when we pick up our warrior shield, rather than choose to treat ourselves with love, and gentleness.

14:02
And I want you to just think for a second about that imagery, the warrior shield, putting up a shield, keeping something away, keeping other people at a distance. And think about it from your perspective. I think this often brings us more clarity, because we can justify why we do it right? Well, they have so much going on. I don't want them to worry. Well, they have so much going on. I don't want them to be a burden. So I want you to flip that script and think about the people you love the most putting up that shield. What would it mean to you to feel like you're being kept out to view feel like you're being kept at a distance and that someone isn't feeling safe to be open and honest with you about how they're they're feeling. And what people do when we keep them at a distance is they fill that space with their own stories. So when we say well

15:00
We don't want to worry people. And we use that as a reason to avoid being honest and being vulnerable, we actually cause more worry, because they can tell their own story about what's happening, and about what they think we're hiding. And that's always going to be worse than what's really happening. Because that's how the human brain works. We go worst case scenario, we don't look at mom walking along looking really stiff, or seeming a little cranky and say to ourselves, oh, it's all good. She's fine. No worries, we look at and say, something's wrong. And she just keeps saying, I'm fine, I'm fine. But I know she's not fine. It's going to be really bad. Right? So we're saying we don't want to make people worry. And we're actually causing people to worry even more.

15:49
So that protective barrier, that that thought error that we buy into saying, we don't want to be honest with people, because we don't want to worry people, it ain't just isn't true. And it be doesn't do anything. It doesn't serve anybody. It doesn't help people connect more. It doesn't help people to be there for each other to offer their support to feel invited in, you know, to feel like they get to be a part of your life. And it certainly doesn't help you to feel connected, supported and loved, which is super important, when you're taking care of yourself, and when you're supporting your healing and your wellness.

16:33
Now, the second major reason we push ourselves too hard, I think, especially when we're comparing our pre cancer selves to our post cancer cells is that we're attached to the story that we have to do it all, that we have to be all things to all people. And it's no wonder that we think that we've been conditioned as women. Long before there was commercial and positive mind. The Anjali thing is Anjali commercial. There was a slow game, I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and I don't know something something and still never let you forget you're a man, right? Geez, I mean, this is what we've been told we're supposed to be as women, right? You do everything and still look hot and sexy and my dinner on the table, holy cow. This kind of conditioned thinking and the way that our world has changed where women have taken on so much more responsibility in the workforce, and overall, has really collided in creating this belief that we call the Superwoman syndrome. And that's not just to saying that's actually a real thing, you can look up Superwoman syndrome, and I know because I looked it up, and I found this definition according to scripts.org. Superwoman syndrome is a term first coined in 1984. Superwoman syndrome occurs when a woman neglects herself, because she is seeking to quote unquote, do it all to perfection and stretching herself too thin. Now, one of the doctors at Scripps Coastal Medical Center in Encinitas. Her name is Jennifer Dong said that the idea of fulfilling all of your roles and responsibilities to perfection will lead to a lifetime of happiness and balance is not realistic, nor should it be. And that instead of feeling fulfilled, you can actually find yourself feeling stressed, anxious and chronically fatigued, unquote. Now, that is not Superwoman in my in my mind. And it's not a syndrome that we want to have or aspire to, or brag about, right? What did she say it was, you neglect yourself and stretch yourself too thin. There's no way that either one of those things are ever going to lead to happiness, right? It's not, it's just not going to happen. So it's time to really stop neglecting yourself and to start celebrating yourself. Treating yourself with love, and gentleness, and realizing that if you are acting based on fear of what other people might think of you, or based on frustration, because you're comparing yourself now to where you used to be, it's really time to stop to change the way you think about that to really work on the ideas and thoughts that are behind those actions that you're taking.

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Harvard health publishing has an article called self care for ways to nourish your body and soul. And in it, I want to read to you this quote, because I thought it was really cool. It says, it is important to us to be able to take care of others, we must pay attention to our own well being. And yet there's a pervasive cultural pressure to keep pushing ourselves to ignore the physical needs of our bodies and the emotional needs of our soul which invariably leads to chronic stress.

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burnout and depression. But if we make self care a goal, and we try to address all of these factors regularly, then we will feel and function better. The better we feel and function, the more we can do for the people and the things we care about. And that's a win win. And quote, I love that because it's just so true. And we tell ourselves so much that, why we don't want to be honest and vulnerable with other people. When we tell ourselves, it's selfish to put ourselves first. But without putting self care as a priority in your life, you're never going to be able to be that person that you want to be for those people around you. And, again, we're setting the example, especially if it's for children, or grandchildren, or people who look to us as role models, when you notice and you think about pushing yourself to the point of burnout, or pushing yourself to the point of being in pain and being exhausted. That's the example that you're setting for people who are watching you. And I know you would never want that for people around you. So we really have to think about that and think, would I want my daughter to do this to herself and feel this way? What do I want my granddaughter to what I want my best friend, my niece, my mom, my sister, would I want anybody to feel this way? And I know you won't. So really important thing here is ask yourself, why do you do it to yourself, and then begin to give yourself permission, and patience, and grace, and acknowledge, it's okay, to admit that you have come across a physical or emotional limitation is okay to say, I need some time for myself, or I need some downtime, I need some time to recuperate. And that doesn't mean that you're a victim, or you're this weak person, or people will see you as weak, it takes a lot of strength to be that person. And you know it. Because if the common thing is for people to say self care is selfish, and for them to push themselves to the point of, you know, Harvard medical journal writing about the lack of self care, then you know, that it takes a lot more strength to go against the current into acknowledge your needs, and to address your needs. So I have no intention of having a late podcast every week. But I also realized that the world didn't come to an end, because this week, I needed a little extra time to take care of myself, and my body and my mentality and to, to be honest, had I tried to push and make sure I got a show out on Thursday, it probably would have been really crappy, because I didn't have the mental capacity to really think through what was meaningful. And I would rather have a show come out two days late, and be authentic and meaningful, then to head on know for something or make something up just to have something come out on time. And sometimes I think that when it comes to self care, we have to really be honest with ourselves, we look at things and we say here's a deadline, or maybe if it's even a commitment, I made a commitment. But how valuable will that commitment be? Or how quality will that work be? If you are exhausted or feeling burned out stressed out and overwhelmed. It's just not going to be everything you want it to be. And I realize there are some things that come with deadlines that need to be met. But sometimes for the ones that don't, for sometimes the ones that aren't time sensitive, but we tell ourselves the story that the world will implode if it doesn't happen, we just have to recognize the truth behind that. And be willing to be honest with ourselves and others about what our needs are and why we might need some extra time. So I hope that this helps you, I don't know feel a little more comfortable giving yourself a little bit of grace, if that's something that you need in your life now. And I know I feel much better for having given myself that little bit of grace. That being said, I will be back next week, next Thursday. And I hope between now and then that you go to my website and you sign up to do the workshop with me. You know, if you have you ever wondered what it's like to be coached? Or you've ever felt like, Am I alone in this? Or are there other women going through this or feeling stuck or wondering how you can fix what you're feeling or if you're in a situation that you don't really like? I think you will love this workshop you'll get a tremendous amount of value out of it. And I would love to meet you there. So go to my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com forward slash V T B and join us we're going to

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Have a great time and I will talk to you again next week. Until then, be good to yourself. Take good care of yourself and expect others to be good to you as well.

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Use your courage to the test laid all your doubts.

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Mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures