#124 Are You Standing in the Way of Your Own Sunshine?

Ever caught yourself musing, "Why does it feel like they're complicating things?" Or even more introspectively, "Why am I being my own biggest obstacle?"

It's a common human conundrum: our thoughts, ingrained beliefs, lurking fears, and bouts of self-doubt often amplify life's challenges. More often than not, we become our own roadblocks, sometimes obliviously so.

In this episode, I'll delve deep into my personal epiphanies around tackling challenges. We'll explore the self-imposed resistances that hinder our progress and discuss how, by acknowledging and addressing these barriers, we can better pave the way to the fulfilling life we desire.

Read the full transcript below:

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This is Laura Lummer, the breast cancer recovery coach. I'm a healthy lifestyle coach, a clinical Ayurveda specialist, a personal trainer, and I'm also a breast cancer survivor. In this podcast, we talk about healthy thinking and mindfulness practices, eating well, moving your body for health and longevity. And we'll also hear from other breast cancer survivors who have reengaged with life, and have incredible stories to share. This podcast is your go to resource for getting back to life after breast cancer. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the breast cancer recovery coach podcast. I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm so happy that you're joining me here today. Because I'm really excited about today's show. And this whole week i There's so much great energy going on right now. And if you are returning listener, repeat listener, you probably know that the beginning of February, I started the minimalist game in the breast cancer recovery group, which is my free Facebook group. And the minimalist game is the practice of giving away selling or throwing away an item each day that corresponds with the date of the month. So first of the month to give away one thing second of the month, two things and on and on. And it's been so much fun, it's been fun for me back actually got rid of a pair of jeans that I really, really love. But it's been fun for me. And the energy in my Empower group and power membership has been amazing. I mean, my God, people are throwing away bags full of stuff. Just it's amazing. And I love it. Because when we're letting go of things that don't serve us, I, I don't look at it any more as just getting rid of junk. Because first of all, not everything is junk, right, I got rid of a pair of jeans that I absolutely love because they don't fit anymore. But I don't see them as junk. And hopefully someone else will enjoy that donation, some things has sentimental value, and some things can be really valuable to someone else. So it's not the getting rid of junk that's so valuable. But it's the creation of something new, the creation of space, the space in your life in your home, in your environment to allow the energy of life and thoughts and freedom to just flow more smoothly in your home, in your mind, in your life. And so I'm really into this idea and theme of flowing. It's been a very major theme in the past few months in my life. And in fact, I want to share something with you that that was really a powerful realization for me. So I was doing my own work, my own self coaching work. And I was really looking at where I put up blocks to things that I want, or that I say I want in my own life. And I don't mean necessarily what I want in terms of a car or stuff. But my desires in terms of the way I want to live my life. And I realized that I often say, and you've probably heard it on the podcast before we can do hard things, if I don't think it's even on my website, I'm gonna have to look for that line and change it. And it was in that moment when that realization came to me that I use that phrase, we can do hard things that I realized that thought in itself is a thought error. But the truth isn't that we can do hard things. But the truth is, we can make anything harder on ourselves if we choose to. So stay with me here for a minute. There's so much resistance to our lives that comes from inside of us. Because we choose to think things are hard or unpleasant or too time consuming or beyond our reach or whatever your block is to letting your life just flow. And I want to give you a perfect example of this. I am living with being treated for and healing from stage four metastatic breast cancer. And it's so much easier than it was to be treated for and heal from stage to localize breast cancer. Because the first time I decided it was going to be hard. I decided it would suck and that I would be miserable. And then I would be forever changed. This time. I decided it wasn't going to be hard. I decided I was going to take my medication in a ceremonial way, visualizing it healing me, rather than watching the needle get stuck into my arm and thinking about how horrible it was and how awful it was going to be and how am I I didn't want to be there doing that. So it was hard. And I got through it. And people said, You're a warrior, you're a fighter, but it sucked. And it sucked for a long time for years before I started to figure it out. This time, I decided I was not going to move towards fear or anger, I decided I was going to live like a healthy person who had healed from metastatic breast cancer. And I asked all the people around me to approach me with the same attitude and energy. And he know what life is not only not hard right now. But every day, I find myself stepping into it more fully. And it's not because I learned how to do hard things. I don't have a system for doing hard things. It's because I decided this is not going to be a hard thing. The way we decide to think about life when we choose to live a deliberate life. That is a game changer. It's a total game changer. So I will share with you a story to kind of illustrate this, this happened recently. And I'll tell you the story. And I want you to really think about these two different perspectives. So I was talking with an acquaintance of mine. And I was sharing with her my feelings and my excitement about travel and a trip that I am planning. And she said to me, oh, yeah, the bucket list. Kind of just like that, right? And I thought, all right, that's kind of weird. But I could tell her energy, her response, everything was, oh, you're checking off your bucket list, because you're gonna die. You're getting ready to die. And I realized that and I said, yeah, the bucket lift, because I want to live the fullest life. I'm not doing this, because I'm getting ready to die. I'm doing this because I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I want to live the dream. And so it's this different perspective. It's a different way of thinking about things. And I'm sure if you think about the way she perceived my desire to travel more, versus the way I perceive my desire to travel more, feel that difference in emotions that come up for you, just in changing that, you know, from the dream and the bucket list and the impossible goals to checking off everything before you die. I mean, she brings up a lot of different emotions is the difference between hopelessness, and expansiveness, right. So this really stood out to me again, the other day, I was in a workshop with two business women, both life coaches, and both very successful at what they do. And I shared a goal of mine with one of them. And I said to her, I'm going to make this happen by the end of the year. And she said to me, Laura, you need to stop thinking like that. You don't need to make anything happen. You just have to get in alignment with what you want in life, take action towards creating that. And then it has no choice but to happen. It will just begin to happen.

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And I thought that was so beautiful, right? Isn't that a beautiful thought? So Ralph Waldo Emerson said, most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine. And I read that the other day, and I started thinking about it in terms of two families of emotions, right, we've got the shadow family, and we've got the sunshine family. And in the shadow family, are all the things that make you feel dark and heavy and burdened and isolated, and basically all the emotions that don't feel so good. And in the sunshine family, are all these emotions that leave you feeling light hearted and free spirited and curious and flexible and open to the possibilities. And the head of the shadow family is fear. riding shotgun with fear is self doubt. And the head of the sunshine family is love. And riding shotgun with love is self compassion. So when you choose to ride with the shadow family, because it is a choice, you get caught up in what other people think of you because your hair is short, or your guts bigger than your breasts even if you have breasts at all. You tell yourself you're not quick enough, you're not witty enough, you're not capable enough. You're just not enough. You're not enough for what you think you want or what you believe you want it in life. You're no longer enough. But when you choose to ride with the sunshine, family of emotions, you can give yourself a break. You got love and self compassion. You can be aware of the fact that you're not perfect, but you don't shame yourself for it. You're aware that there are situations in life, you might like to change the way you're writing sunshine, so the light is shining right on your junk. And you can say, I way more than I want to, I make less money than I'd like to. I'm around more negative people than I want to be. And then you can say, Yeah, that's true. But I'm working on changing that. And there's no shame in it. And there's no beating yourself up about it. There's self compassion. And when you do that, you just went from doing hard things and making things harder on you, to allowing life to flow as you take action toward the life you want to lead. And you allow it to happen. Think about all the things that you have been conditioned to believe throughout your life. The things you were told are hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. You have to work hard. Money is hard to come by what are all the things, it's hard to lose weight. Think of the resistance that comes up in your life as a result of the things you believe. So I constantly see posts on Facebook, in breast cancer groups, not necessarily mine, but other groups that I am in and see posts from women, and they're going into treatment, or they're about to begin their long term, you know, hormonal therapy, they finish their adjuvant treatment, and the post things like, Oh, I'm going to start this treatment, what should I expect? I've heard, it's horrible. I've heard as painful. I've heard, I'm gonna have hot flashes. I've heard horrible things are gonna happen to me. And so of course, they get a lot of responses of horrible things that have happened to other women. And then they get upset, and they get scared. But why did these women choose to ride there with the shadows? Why ask how awful it will be? Rather than asking who has had success with this? What things have people done? To feel good while going through this? How can I support my healing? While I'm going through this? And I get it, I get why. There's no judgment there. Because I was there. I asked those things. And I made cancer treatment and recovery, so much harder than me than it had to be. And now, you might be saying to yourself, yeah, well, Laura, it does hurt. And sometimes I am exhausted. And sometimes I am in pain. And you're right. And that's true. And that happens. And I know because it happens to me. But now when I feel too tired to think straight or make sense of anything, I take a nap. And on days when my back is achy and painful. I do restorative yoga, rather than do a spin class. And I don't tell myself, this sucks. I'm not good enough. This isn't what I want it to be. I don't want to feel this way. I'm never going to be normal. Because I've got self compassion writing Chaka now, right? And the truth is that I am in pain. But the question is, what do I need to do today to support the healing of my body? And when the answer is rest, then I allow myself that, I don't resist it. I don't make myself feel bad about it. So I choose not to make it hard on me. And I give my body what it needs with grace, because I want my body to know how much I love it. And trust me that's new, right? That is new. Thank God, my body is forgiving. Because if it were an actual person outside of me, a person that I'd been in a relationship with for 57 years, it probably be saying things like, oh, yeah, now you're gonna be nice to me, huh? How many years? Would you ignore me and call me names? Tell me I wasn't good enough. Or you worked out so hard. I could barely move just because you wanted me to look a certain way. Right? Yeah. It's like, what would my body say? If it were a person, from all the things I've put it through and said to it, holy cow or thought about it? Luckily for me, and luckily for you, that's not the situation in our bodies start a new relationship with us every single day. And all I want my body to know today is I love it so much. I love it so much. So how do you know when you are standing in the way of your own sunshine, when you are the block to that flow of life and you're making things hard on yourself? I want to give you two examples. And then I'm going to give you a little exercise to help with that. So as an example, let's say you're trying to get back to your life after treatment and all you want to do is feel normal, whatever that means to you. Let's say it means you want to feel happy, light hearted, energetic, excited to set goals and take action towards them. But you've feel fatigued, achy, lack and self confidence, because you don't like the way you look right now. And you ruminate on these things, you think about them all the time. And that makes you feel upset when you do that. You worry about having a cancer recurrence. So you don't buy a new car. You don't plan a vacation. You don't start the degree you want it. Because you're afraid you're not going to live long enough to justify it. You don't learn how to crochet or quilt because you may not be around to finish it. All those thoughts make you feel things like hopeless, scared, desperate, fearful, awful, right? They feel awful. And what did they result in? Well, what are you not doing? When you're thinking things like that? And you're feeling the feelings that those thoughts create? And when you're feeling hopeless, desperate and awful? Are you living your life fully? When you feel hopeless, desperate, awful and scared? No, you're creating a situation that is exactly the opposite of what you say you want. You are standing in the way of your own sunshine. You're saying I want this great life. But you're telling yourself things that stop you from creating it and allowing it to happen. Another example, I want to have a closer relationship with my significant other. But every time they tell me I'm sexy, or I'm beautiful, I think I crazy. Fat, my boobs are scarred or missing. And bald, or my hair is ugly or whatever awful thing you tell yourself about yourself? And do any of those thoughts make you feel good? Then they make you feel sexy, cuddly, beautiful, desirable? Absolutely not? And do they result in you moving closer to your person physically, emotionally? Or otherwise? Do those thoughts result in you being fully open to that flow of love and desire from the person you say you want to be so close to? Or do they block you from allowing what you say you want in your life.

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And even on the flip side of that, if there's someone in your life that you don't want there, I saw this post when I posted about people joining us in the breast cancer recovery group for the 30 day minimalist challenge this woman posted to toxic people count. And yes, getting toxic people out of your life. So in this example, on the flip side of it, he's there someone in your life that is blocking the flow of life? And if so why are you making that harder on yourself? What are the beliefs and thoughts you're telling yourself that keep this frenemy in your life, or whoever it might be, that blocks the flow of I don't know, let's say that this person wants you to go out to lunch with them and you're obligated or tell yourself, you're obligated to lunch twice a month. And maybe that's stopping you from going to lunch twice a month with some amazing friend who will be supportive and wonderful and bring all kinds of great stuff into your life. You see where that blocks the flow also. So when you think the obligatory thoughts that you've been conditioned to think that keep people in your life who block the flow of life and make it heavy and dark and awful. You're not allowing the potential of what could be amazing. And definitely is not going to make you feel good, right? All right. So here's your exercise. When you notice what you're thinking, and it causes you to feel something that is resulting in you taking actions that are creating the opposite of what you say you want in your life, or they're resulting in you not doing anything at all, to change the result you're not happy with in your life. Here's some questions to ask yourself, and these are going with my examples. Okay? So ask yourself, How would a person who's close to their loved one feel? And how do you have to think differently to start feeling that way? What actions does that person take when they're close to someone? Ask yourself how would a person who lives the life I want to live at differently than how I'm acting right now? And how would I feel if I started to act that way? So I'm gonna share something with you. I was at my oncologist office this week. And I actually am very proud to say that I graduated from having weekly appointments to getting to have bi weekly appointments. But what really made my day is that my oncologist said to me You You know, you look great, and you have so much energy. And it's not just great energy, but you have so much energy, when you come into this office, you give us all energy. And that meant so much to me. Because I made a decision to live like a person who has perfect health and who has healed from metastatic breast cancer. And here I am sitting in the office with the one person in this world who truly understands the extent of the disease that I'm healing from. And even he sees me as someone who is well, that is the power of allowing life to flow. So from now on, you're not ever going to hear me say, we can do hard things. Because I'm only going to be asking myself, why am I choosing to tell myself that this is hard? In what thoughts? am I choosing to believe, that are blocking my life from becoming what I want it to be? Yeah, that's so much better, don't you think? I think so. So, if you want help with that, and girl, it's okay to ask for help with that. It's not easy. And you know, these things that I'm sharing with you, it's fascinating, because I've had a couple of members say to me recently, like, I see the change in you. And since this diagnosis, and I feel the change in me, because honestly, you know, working on myself, coaching myself, right, doing self coaching, working with my own life coach, and just really digging into looking at the way I think about the way I want life to be, is so revealing. And it doesn't, it didn't just happen overnight, it can happen overnight. Because if you decide you don't want to make it hard on yourself, you can start thinking differently. But as you can see from what I've shared with you here, you know, I didn't always think this way. And I still catch myself in moments where I think I'm making this hard on myself, why am I making this hard on myself. And every single time it comes back to a belief I'm choosing to cling to or thought I'm choosing to cling to. So if you want help with this, if you have questions, if you have comments come and join the breast cancer recovery group and ask them it's a free group. And by the way, when this show airs, it's only going to be February fourth, so you can still join the breast cancer recovery group and get in on the 30 day minimalist challenge because you can go back and you can be retroactive and throw away, let's say it would be 789 the 10 items that we've already thrown away this month and just jump right in. So come and find that community, because it's an awesome place to be and it's really a community of supporting other breast cancer survivors, to live a more fulfilling life right? To be positive to embrace life and to not have to make things so freakin hard. All right, so I hope you come and find us there. And I will talk to you again next week. And until then, Please be good to yourself and expect other people to be good to you as well.

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Use your courage to the test laid all your doubts. Your mind is clearer than before your heart is full and wanting more your futures Give it all you know hasn't you been waiting on