Transcript

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You're listening to better than before breast cancer with the breast cancer recovery coach, I'm your host, Laura Lummer. I'm a certified life coach, and I'm a breast cancer thriver. In this podcast, I will give you the skills on the insides and the tools to move past the emotional and physical trauma of a breast cancer diagnosis if you're looking for a way to create a life that's even better than before breast cancer, you've come to the right place. Let's get started. Hello there, my beautiful friends, and welcome to episode 416

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of better than before breast cancer. I'm really excited to be here today, because we're going to talk about something that is really important to discuss. It comes up over and over again. I've seen, like, this amazing thread of it this past week, I've probably coached no fewer than four clients on this exact same thing. It comes up over and over again. And it can just it can be subtle. It can be something that just creates a tremendous amount of unnecessary pain and frustration and and even physical discomfort. Because when we're in emotional discomfort, inevitably we're going to be in physical discomfort. So when our focus is healing when our focus is creating the healthiest life and the healthiest body possible, we've got to pay attention to what impacts our emotional and mental well being. And you know, I think people, when we talk about mental and emotional wellness, a lot of times, people think about mental illness, right? It's got to cross this barrier. It's like, here's my normal stress and BS that I go through in life, and the normal sleepless nights or whatever it is that you deal with when there's a lot going on in life, and then here's mental illness, right? And I think we've got to just really kind of blur those barriers. Of course, if someone has mental illness, they should be getting help with it, but I think that we have to look at the fact that there's a lot of things that impact our emotional well being that we kind of dismiss as being normal and just typical, like we have to go through this. I'm going to give you some examples to get clear on this, because that's why I said could be a really fuzzy area. So I'm gonna try to put it in a context that's easy to understand. So when I was trained at the Life Coach School, there is a tool that we used in the Life Coach School, and that tool is called the manual. So the manual, just like most manuals, right? What do you do with a manual? It gives you instructions on how to do something. So this manual would be the fact that over the course of our lives, we write an invisible rule book for how life should go, for how we think other people should behave, for what we assign meaning to what we do, how we do it, and what other people do, we don't even realize we're doing that right. But every time we think something like, oh well, a really good friend shows up on time for lunch, or, if my kid loves me, they'll just take out the trash when I ask, right? And when we add that kind of a line to the manual, and why did we add it? I don't know, because when we were kids, our parents said, you know, you don't respect me, you don't love me, you don't take out the trash, you don't listen to me. God knows I'm guilty of having said some of that stuff when I was getting if you had any respect for me, and my kids would say, but I do respect you, because my manual wasn't the same as their manual, and the things that I assigned my emotions to in my manual made no sense to them, right? Because it wasn't how they thought. So this is the problem with manuals. No one else has a copy. No one else has the copy of our manual. So they didn't sign off on the rule book, they didn't read the rules. And they're developing their own rules as they go through life, and they have their perceptions and they have their beliefs, and so this is what we call generational trauma, right? If I'm telling my kid you don't love me, you don't respect me, I asked you to take out the trash, and you didn't do it, then my kid gets this, Oh, shoot. Taking out the trash means I love them, or I, you know, did this, and this means I caused someone else to feel this way, right? And so here's the next step in the manual. When people don't follow our manuals, which they won't, they won't 100% of the time. I mean, they won't do it 100% of the time. They'll do it sometimes, maybe, but if someone doesn't perceive something else as important, or they don't understand the value of it, they're not going to do it. So then we in our manual, as we write the rule, and we say, if someone loves me, they'll do this. And then. Somebody doesn't do that because, again, they didn't read the rule book. Then we say, if they don't do it, I'll be hurt, I'll be sad, I'll feel rejected, I will be resentful. And it's not because of what they did or didn't do, but it's because of what we think of their actions, what we tell ourselves their actions mean. Isn't that fascinating? So really think about that for a sec. It isn't that the kid didn't take out the trash when you asked. It's what you decided. It means when someone doesn't take out the trash when you ask. Okay, so this has come up repeated. It comes up all the time like this is such an important concept. Honestly, if you start thinking about your manuals in life, if you start looking at the invisible rule book you have written and the emotional pain you've assigned to your rule book, it will change your life, because you get to decide not to attach those emotions to it. So I have a adorable client. I love her. She's just the coolest lady. And she shared a story with me this past week, and she shared a story that she's very sensitive to toxicity, to chemical fragrances, right? And she's working very hard to lower her toxic burden, and she has asked people not to wear perfume around her, right? Her people in her household don't wear perfume around her, but some of the people aren't listening, and they wear the perfume anyway. And it's upsetting to her, because in her rule book, when you ask someone to do something that's important to you because it supports your ability to heal and they don't do it, then she doesn't perceive that as a loving act, right? So if she gets in the car with someone who's wearing perfume and makes her feel sick, and it increases her toxic burden when she's working really hard to minimize so when this happens, her thoughts go to basically, I've asked you 100 times to do this, and you don't do this, so you don't care about me, right? And then that's painful and hurtful, and it saddens her. So when this and this is just one example, right? There's a million examples of people do these things, and we tell ourselves they don't love me. If they loved me, they do something else, right? But here's what I'm going to offer you, and here's what I often offer my clients, and here's what I offer myself in these situations, if you have asked someone or expressed what your needs are, and that person doesn't do the things that you've asked, they don't comply with your Manual, right? Instead of us just getting so wound up, angry, hurt, resentful, bitter, which are all emotions that affect our health and our well being and our happiness, right? They steal our joy. So instead of asking ourselves those questions, I want to offer you a question. Ask ourselves, why am I not doing what I need right now. Why am I not protecting myself? Right? So in the example of someone wearing a chemical fragrance that makes you feel sick, and you say, Please don't wear that when you're around me, and then they wear anyway when they're around you, then you can say, You know what? I'm not going to let you get in my car with that on. I'm not going to take you somewhere, right? We have to set a boundary, and so this is how we take care of ourselves. We can ask for what we need, and I'm going to go into that in a minute. Doesn't mean that we just excuse everybody, hoping they'll do the right thing. We can ask for what we need, but ultimately, we must stand up for what we need. We must find our own voice. I've talked about this so many times, and it's such an important concept, and it's so difficult to do, because just like our manual assigns meaning and emotions to things other people do, it also assigns meaning and emotions to what we do, right? We've got lines and rules in our manual for ourselves that say, if I say this, I'm not a good person, right? If I tell my kid, I'm not going to give her a ride to school if she wears perfume, I'm a bad mom, right? If I do this thing and this person feels that way, or thinks this thing, right? The whole story, we start to imagine the whole scenario. If I did this, they'll think that. If I do this, they'll act like that. So this is all that Netflix original horror series that's going on in our mind all the time, and it's so far out of our control. What other people do, what other people think, what other people feel. But. If we could calm down to say, What am I doing for me? How am I taking care of myself? How am I loving myself from a very compassionate way? So I want to get clear on that setting a boundary around what we need doesn't mean we hope someone else will do the right thing. It doesn't mean that we present other people with ultimatums. Right? In the example I gave, where I say, Oh, hey, if you're gonna wear perfume, I'm not gonna give you a ride. It's not an ultimatum. It's not do this or that. It's I just wanna let you know that this is what happens when I'm exposed to this thing. So in this case, a boundary, a healthy boundary, might sound like, Honey, I love you. You're the best, but I'm not going to give you a ride if you wear perfume, because it makes me physically sick and I'm trying to heal. Right? There's no judgment in that against the person. There's just loving yourself, which, by the way, when I share this oftentimes with my clients, when I work primarily with women, right? I have some male clients that are like family members, but I work in my breast cancer group with women, and when we talk about things like creating healthy boundaries, for some reason, our mind seems to be very conditioned to seeing that as selfishness, right? And so when we talk about healthy boundaries, I see it's very common, and I've been through this myself where we put that back on us and look at ourselves as selfish. But what we're really doing is we're changing that generational trauma by teaching the children we love our sons and our daughters, this is what someone who cares about themselves does? They take care of themselves, they use their voice and they let you know in a very loving way what they need. They're not going to judge you. They're not going to scream at you. They're not if I could go back and undo so many things that I said throughout my life to my children, I would undo those and say, I know it's because you don't love me, but I love me, and so if you're going to do those things, this is what I'm not going to do, because I'm not going to put myself in that position, right? I care about myself too much. You know, recently, I watched the movie and read the book, it ends with us, and what I loved so much about that is that the character in this story who's coming who was raised in a family with an abusive relationship, and then she has also found herself now in an abusive relationship, and she decides to change that. But the beauty of the whole thing is she says, I'm changing it for her, because she has a child, but I'm changing it from my daughter. I'm breaking this generational trauma and what we're working on emotional wellness when we're working on releasing habits and behaviors and things that we've done forever that haven't served us, we're not showing our people that we love, that we're selfish. We're showing them how to care for themselves in a loving and respectful way. We're setting the example to say you can be strong, you can be loving, you can take care of yourself. And it's not selfish. It's taking responsibility for your own health, right? We must be responsible for this very hard thing of living a healthy life. It is not easy, right? It is. It takes intention, attention, time, resources. And so when we have these stories of, you know, the simplest thing, like, I want to make healthy meals for myself, but my kids don't want healthy meals, and so I'm just not eating healthy meals. We've got to look at the subtleness of our brain, kind of tricking us here, and saying, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm saying that by me not taking care of my health, I think I'm making it easier on other people, right? But in fact, what we're doing is saying like we're not stepping into this courageous spot of saying, This is what I need from me, and you get to do whatever you want to do, but this is what I need from me, and this is what I'm going to do. It's not easy, right? It's difficult to do that because you've got to work through all the thoughts in your manual and all the emotions in your manual that you've assigned. But there was a lesson I did a couple years ago in my better than before breast cancer membership, and it's called the three C's. And the 3c mean that when we find ourselves in this situation where we're not caring for ourselves, or where other people are violating the rules in the manual, the first thing we have to do is clean up our thoughts. And what I mean about cleaning up our thoughts is that we say, Wait, what's my story? Here is my story about they're causing me to feel this way. What are my actual needs right now? How am I taking care of myself? Am I stepping up and using my voice, or am I. Expecting someone else to do it. For me, we have to think through all of those things and get really clear, not only on our own story, but our expectations of other people, really clear on what that expectation is, and is it an expectation that's actually controlling someone else, right, controlling someone else's behavior, or is it an expectation that's coming from our own self compassion and our own needs as a human being? And then the second C is to be really curious, is to think, well, maybe there's another reason why they did or didn't do this thing right, that they aren't disrespecting me, that it isn't that they don't love me, that there's something else going on in their mind in their manual, that they don't understand the importance of what I need here. And we can be really curious and think about that, and maybe there's another story than the story we've assigned in the manual that causes us pain, and then that third C is compassion. So when we clean up our thoughts and we get really curious about what potentially other people's behaviors could mean other than what we've assigned to it, then then we can approach that from compassion, and we can have a compassionate conversation about, hey, this is what I need to take care of myself, and I'm going to stand up for that. I'm going to have my own back, but I want to understand where it's coming from, and I want you to help I want to help you understand why I need this, right? So when we clean up our thoughts, we get curious, and we find a place of compassion, we eliminate this big, other C word that everyone tries to avoid conflict, right? There's no conflict when there's compassion and curiosity, because it isn't about being right. When we're defending our manual, then we're telling someone else, my manual is the correct rule book and yours is not. So you need to come on over to my manual, because I'm right. But when we get into curiosity and we can say, wow, my manual said, if you do this, it means you feel this way about me and this other person, oh, my gosh. Well, wow, that's not what my manual says at all. Right? My manual says I just don't like doing that, right? So being curious can be super, super helpful when it comes to improving our relationships and our connections, but also for compassionately having our own back. So I'll tell you, there's some beautiful research, some bodies of research that back up this, this concept. And in cognitive behavioral therapy, there's this idea that our thoughts, not just events, but our thoughts, shape our feelings, and that's also a tool that I use in my own training from life coach schools, right thoughts create feelings. The circumstance is the facts of what people did. Someone didn't take out the trash. Our thought is what we think about that, and our feelings comes from that thought. So if my thought is they don't love me, then my feeling is going to be hurt. If my thought is they don't really understand how important that is to me, then my feeling might be something else. And I'm going to approach the conversation differently. So when someone breaks a rule in our manual, and we make that mean something painful, like he doesn't help with the laundry, he must not love me, but that's a thought and not a fact, because there's lots of other things that this person might do that show that they absolutely do love you, and you just inherently know that this person absolutely loves you. So the more we become aware of these automatic thoughts, the more we choose how to respond instead of just react. And there's so much power in that we get to choose peace for ourselves. We get to choose peace over conflict, right? We get to choose compassionate conversation over controversy and butting heads. So there's even more research from this world of emotional boundaries and assertive communication. Big difference, let's point out between assertive communication and aggressive communication. Assertive communication is uncomfortable, right? It may be uncomfortable because you might have to be vulnerable, and you might have to approach something in a different way than you've ever approached it before, because it's important and meaningful to you, and so you're going to step outside of your comfort zone and you're going to be assertive. But when we do that, studies have shown that people who practice clear, calm, boundary setting have lower levels of stress, better immune health and higher self esteem. And that's because our nervous system, our nervous system, feels safer. So it goes back to what I said, when we take that time to work through, getting curious, getting clear, approaching things from compassion, then we feel a little more empowered. And you know, at that point, when you do that, you're not at the mercy of other people's behavior. You. Right, because you've got your own back. So if you assign this feeling of hurt and betrayal to someone else's behavior, and then you start to look at that goal, hold on. Maybe that's just not what that means. Maybe that's not an important aspect. I'll share a story with you that comes to mind, just as I'm saying this, when my husband and I got married, my youngest son was, oh my gosh. He must have been like 13 or 14. I don't remember exactly, but in that area, and like any 1314, year old boy, or like most 1314, year old boys, he was absolute slum, right? My husband, OCD, everything has a place. There's a place there's a place for everything. You put things in their place. You never have to look for them, right? Very organized person. My son would come home, and he hated wearing shoes. So if I if he remembered to wear shoes when he would go to school, he'd come home and the first thing you do is kick them off, and he'd leave them wherever they landed. It drove my husband berserk, and he would say to me, he has no respect for me, right? He's leaving these shoes. He has no respect for me. And what I would help him see is like that kid doesn't even realize he's leaving his shoes. It means nothing to him. It isn't important to him. It has no significance to him. And you have a story of what it means because of a lot of childhood trauma and a lot of things that have led you to have the behaviors you have and the needs you have around you. And so you assign this belief that if everyone doesn't pick up everything and put it back in their own place, it means they don't respect you, but he's got a whole different life experience and a whole different way of thinking, and not even a completely formed brain yet, right? So I think that's maybe a good example of this. Is like our manual doesn't match someone else's manuals. So what makes this conversation so powerful when we can have these conversations, is that when we're healing, when we're just trying to build a peaceful life, to get clarity on our life, and we need every ounce of our energy to establish that peace and to create the habits and the way, the lifestyle that establishes that peace, and we get stuck in frustration over What someone else should have done. It drains you so fast, faster than I can. It's it's so draining, but we got to remember, we are actually doing that to ourselves by assigning our belief to someone else's behavior. So removing that peace and deciding I'm in charge of my feelings. I'm in charge of my peace. No one else's behavior can steal my peace if I don't allow it to happen. So I'm gonna give you a little something to think about this, because it's a lot to think about. It's super powerful, and I've worked with my clients on this and myself on this for years, right? There's a lot to think about. And even when you think you've gotten past some piece of it, something else will come up in your life, like, oh, gosh, here now, I got to deal with this one, right? So think about this. Get out a journal when you're list error. Think about this later, when you have an opportunity to to write something down and ask yourself, where you expect other people in your life to follow your manual. And then ask yourself, like, what take a few minutes? Like, 1015, minutes, write down all the rules. I think my kids should do the laundry. I think my husband should help cook. I think my spouse should whatever, whatever, everything that comes to mind. I think my mom should do this. I think my mom shouldn't do that. Right? Our neighbors, our friends, our bosses, our coworkers. We have so many rules, so many and don't look at them with judgment. Don't look at them with fascination, like set your timer for 15 minutes and see how many rules actually exist in your mind and in your manual. It's absolutely fascinating. I even think my dog should do this. I don't think my dog should do that, right? Where, where are your rules? Who do you think should be doing what in your life? And then when you see them, and you look at them, you're like, wow, okay, I have a lot of rules here. Now you can ask yourself, go back to each one and say, what emotion do I attach to that rule? Right? If my spouse doesn't do this thing, what emotion do I attach to it? Disappointment, betrayal, resentment, anger, right? If my kid doesn't do this thing, if my boss doesn't do this thing, you attach an emotion to it, I promise you. And if you can become aware of the emotion you attach. Then you get to ask yourself couple of things. One is, Hmm, why did I decide that that could be an interesting exercise, right? Why did I decide that if my kid doesn't take out the trash, it means they have no respect for me? And I decide that will make me angry. Why did Why do. Did I choose that right? And then you can ask yourself also, what healthy boundary could I set here, in a kind and loving way, to take care of myself, because your peace matters and your health matters, and you're allowed to stop waiting for other people to get it right right, and you start to get it right for you. You decide what you need, and you get to create that life for you. And that's a pretty cool thing, and very empowering, and it takes a lot of work and intention and attention, but first we have to start like, this is a great exercise to start with what's in your rule book, right? There's a lot of times that I'm having conversations with my my clients, and I'll say, when you gonna burn that manual? When you gonna let go of that, right? And stop trying to make other people do what you think makes you happy, and when you decide to do what makes you happy, there's a lot wrapped up in there, right? But I will tell you that in the years that I have been coaching breast cancer survivors in the I don't even know how many conversations about this very topic, finding your voice, loving yourself and thinking through what a healthy boundary means to you, and how it can be loving and how it can be compassionate, and how it's not selfish, and how when we take back the power

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over our own emotion, it is life changing, right? It's amazing, amazing, the power when someone else's behavior doesn't have to mean you feel a certain way. All right, my friends, well, I will tell you what. This is something we work a lot on in in the better than before, breast cancer membership. And also, I think a good program that you can find on my website is becoming you. Two point up that talks about this whereas, like, here's you now. How are you benefiting from that? And where are you uncomfortable with that? It's an eight week program that really digs into the perceived benefits we have by not standing up for ourselves or not taking charge and creating the life we want, because somewhere in our mind, we think we benefit from it, even if that benefit means the benefit to me is I don't have to deal with the difficult conversations, right? So we tell ourselves, it's easier this way, but it's not easier, because we suffer emotionally tremendously when we don't stand up for ourselves and we don't honor our own healthy boundaries. So if you need support with that, go to my website, the breast cancer recovery coach.com and join the better than before breast cancer membership, where you will find everything I've ever created, my workshops, my programs, I have, all my standalone programs, and all of our coaching sessions, everything, everything, everything, is in this amazing membership, and it supports you in every aspect of your life, from your metabolic health to your mindset. And besides that, your mindset has to be in the right place if you want to be able to support your metabolic health from a compassionate perspective, it's so important. All right, my friend, you do not have to keep carrying the weight of everyone else's behavior. Wouldn't that be great? You know how we we use language and say, You come with a lot of baggage. Let's drop the baggage. Let's just leave the baggage. And you know how, when you start to travel a lot, you realize that you over pack, and then you learn, you know what? I only need, really these essentials, and I'm going to put them in my backpack, and it's going to be a lot easier to go out and enjoy things. Let's look at from an emotional aspect. Do you really need all of that? Can you leave some of it behind? Can you just take what you need so that it serves the purpose of creating a joyful life for yourself. All right, my friends, until next time, be kind to yourself. Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. Be the priority in your life, and keep creating a life that feels joyful and better than before. Breast cancer, and I'll talk to you soon.

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You've put your courage to the test, laid all your doubts to rest. Your mind is clearer than before, your heart is full and wanting more. Your future's at the door.